TThe Waiting Room

• MLP: FiM
• Slice of Life

What lies beyond death, in the realm of Limbo?

• Death
• Alt. Universe
• OC
• Bat Pony

TikiBat · 2.6k words  ·  12  1 · 339 views

The Waiting Room by Cosmic Eclipse is a story that seeks to inspire insightful thoughts in the reader’s mind by introducing the division between life and death, which is something I am certainly a fan of. But before I continue looking through this short tale, I must stress that my reviews cover the contents quite thoroughly – beware of spoilers ahead!

Summary

What lies beyond death, in the realm of Limbo? Actually, it’s just a waiting room with souls awaiting their turn to transcend back into the realities, though the queue numbers described are at least nine digits long…

Of course, when the queue numbers are so ridiculously lengthy, those waiting in line have so much time to regale their tales of joy, sorrow and regret. Here, we shall peer into these vibrant personalities, these kind spirits, these wise minds…

Content/Plot Analysis

Before I begin, I would like to point out that this story focuses on various characters chatting about their life experiences and reflections while they wait in line for their turn to transcend back into the realities, which paves the way for the author to insert many interesting insights into the story. It is especially so when one of the main characters in the story was one that had lived for thousands of years meant that it was more than convincing to me that he must have accumulated such wisdom to share with those that transit through Limbo. This story describes one specific instance during which this main character, Mystic Ember, shares his thoughts with other called Sine Wave who just transcended into Limbo, and let’s talk about some of the observations I have of this conversation.

Firstly, after being asked of her main, objective goal in life, Sine Wave replied that, throughout her life, she strived to spread joy to others, and she did so by inventing video games and arcade games to help bring happiness to the other ponies that popped in. Here, I would like to comment that the author did do justice to help explain the circumstance and the reasoning of why Sine Wave had decided to embark on this specific, “strange” life goal. The style of the writing here is insightful, yet casual, which is ideal for such a conversation, to inspire friendly discussion between the two.

However, there was an aspect of this topic in which I felt that was somewhat unexplored throughout the conversation and that was the reasoning to why Sine Wave decided to continue on her journey despite being fully aware that her creations were even addictive to some. This is especially since Sine Wave herself did bring up this matter, though it was not touched on by the story’s content further on. I would have thought that the author could explore this, perhaps introducing it into with an aid of a question proffered by Mystic, for this would provide a greater insight to how the character weighed the benefits and costs of her actions and creations. In fact, considering the technical, economic decision of her actions would be eye-opening into peering into her personality and character. In any case, I felt that this would not only provide a greater degree of exploration into the slice of life, but also develop the character in question.

Next, the conversation shifted to the subject on how they should have slowed their life down; to decrease the tempo of their life to enjoy it to the fullest and the regret that they faced for not doing so. I found that this part of the story was simply used as a transition to allow the author to surface the next point, though I posit that the author had a missed opportunity here to develop this more fruitfully. Granted, I understand that both Mystic and Sine did agree with each other’s view on this matter, but I think that the author could have helped shape up this observation more constructively, perhaps on emphasising on what they lost and why they must have regretted their decision in the past, or even how they would actively change themselves for the future based on this lesson learnt. I question whether doing so would influence the overall meaning of the story or the concentration of ideas, but as usual, a balance must be struck for this elaboration to be effective.

Either way, another character, Eclipse, jumped into this reality of Limbo, interrupting the conversation between the two. Here, the author depicts how the group of three extended their greetings of salutations and how they gave their introductions to each other as a way to showcase the character’s life, almost undeniably hinting their backstories and their futures. I understand that the author wanted to bring in some lore of the previous stories of his series into this, but I have to wonder whether the points and the message brought up by the story was diluted by this interlude. Perhaps the author could have made this aspect of the story more succinct to allow the morals and the insights to stand out better.

Ultimately, the story ends on a rather uplifting note; a redemptive action of kindness, I dare say. It is a heart-warming end that did touch me as it was actually unexpected to me that Mystic would exchange his queue number with Sine although he was already waiting for centuries. However, his justification proved to be sound and logical, testament to his wisdom and values after living for such a period of time.

Before I end this section of my review, I felt that this story was filled with insights and experiences which I certainly enjoyed. However, on the other hoof, I felt that these observations could have been brought out with greater emotions, especially during instances of recollection and reflection during the story. I believe that the author could consider inserting a few excerpts of emotive writing, even if subtle, and integrate it into the conversation to help spice up the atmosphere in the story that would drive a connection between the reader and the characters, and especially with the insights proposed in the story. This would also add a level of authenticity in the experiences faced by the characters throughout their (long) lives for reader to empathise with to; this is particularly salient when the story is told from a first-person perspective.

Flow

Notwithstanding with the above, I felt that the flow of ideas was, by and large, cogent. The conversation, while at times seems to be fast-tracked through moments of discussion, was logical and coherent.

Instead, I would like to talk about the ending of the story, the final points of the story when Sine stepped into the door, awaiting a new beginning in the afterlife. Overall, the ending was uplifting, as the story decided to go up towards an optimistic note at the end by emphasising the aspect of how this was a new beginning rather than the end of one’s old life. Even so, I felt that the ending could have been more impactful as I felt it was slightly rushed. I think that some suspense would have worked well here to emphasise on the transit through the realities and the uncertainties that lay beyond the unknowns, and a more experiential build-up of the scene here would enhance the ending even more.

Language

Language errors are rare, though –

The stallion looked off into the distance, pausing for a few long minutes, “You know, I do sometimes,” he looked back toward me, “it sounds absurd but you forget about how much you enjoy indulging in the simple pleasantries of life sometimes. It’s easy to take that for granted when you’ve lived as long as I have.”

“But I insist,“ he replied with a laugh, “you most likely have a husband and family that are awaiting you beyond the veil, you best not keep them waiting any longer.”

I notice that the author doesn’t capitalise the first letter of the first word that starts off the second portion of the dialogue, which is more of a formatting, technical error if you ask me. I would, however, recommend capitalising it for better formatting.

In addition, I felt that the addition of commas into some sentences would help improve the readability, to help demarcate the ideas portrayed in the sentence, for instance –

As I stepped through the door(,) I didn’t know what to expect, all I could see beyond was a dark starry void and a pair of glowing eyes at the end.

“Do not worry, consider this a goodbye. I know we’ve just only met(,) but we shared our stories and to me that forms a connection, even if only a small one. Perhaps I am strange(,) but I would be remiss if I didn’t say a proper farewell to a pony that’s shared their story with me.”

Stance

This is an enjoyable read, but I wished that the story could tie in the emotive aspect into the reflective nature of the conversation for the reader to connect with the characters’ experiences and observations. To improve, the author should consider developing the story with such a balance; please check my comments above for more detail. And as always, I am here to discuss about your story with you.

Content/Plot: 6.5/10
Flow/Communication: 6.5/10
Language/Readability: 7.8/10
Overall: 6.9/10

I appreciate the review a lot! You raise some very valid points in this, and I definitely think I'm going to take some of them to heart and rework a few of the sections. Some background context for this story: I wrote it in a time when I just felt like I needed a palette cleanser, and was initially pretty disappointed with it. I grew to like it in the end, and while it has it's flaws, I'm happy with it.

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I'm glad you found the review helpful! And indeed, it is true; you will, at different junctures of time, have different opinions of your own piece of writing. Sometimes, publishing it and stepping back for a while does help to allow your mind to mull it over and consider the story to the fullest.

Keep writing!