ETopsy Turvy Tourism

• MLP: FiM
• Comedy
• Random

Diamond Tiara goes on a tour of the Big Apple alongside a clueless tourist, a happy-go-lucky gargoyle and a disgruntled retired dark lord. Just another day in the life of a Ponyville pony.

• Diamond Tiara
• Grogar

Greatazuredragon · 9.9k words  ·  32  0 · 550 views

Summary: Diamond Tiara goes on a guided touristic tour through Manehattan, and one of the other attendees is Grogar, yes, THE grogar!

Well, overall spoken the storyline is quite thought through and build up solid. It starts with Diamond and her dad have a conversation if she really can go on this trip and then moves to the scene when Grogar arrives at the tour starting point and then goes along with them during the tour and end with a nice surprising ending.

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So, with being said that the author had made his homework on how to write a story, let's see if it fulfils its purpose of entertain the reader.

In my opinion the start would need a bit work to do so and could be a bit shortened. The story is tagged as random and comedy, so while it is realistic, it goes to far in Slice of Life territory. Father and daughter discussing if it is to dangerous and all that. I mean it is a good background for the story, but that could have been handled in a few sentences or with more comedy and humour. It is not badly written in general, but misses the purpose of the story.

This changes when we come to the middle section of the story. Here we have far more 'random' events, which entertain too and some of them are indeed funny. Like when it is revealed that Grogar has a son-in-law now, which his daughter asked him to go on this trip with to spend quality family time. You can assume that this is absurd, so random, and also funny as you see them interacting. I mean an ancient evil dark lord whatever and, well, his son in law, who is actually a nice guy. It also help that it is written from Diamond's point of view and with ponies around who can also react to this. It entertains.

And last but not least, the ending chapter shows some deeper insights on Grogars character and, to my very personal liking, when they visit a museum, his thoughts on 'heroes and villains' of his time. It is good to see that some author made a use of this opportunity.

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To sum it up: We have here an entertaining story with a well thought out background which could use a bit of work on the pacing and the start, but gets better as your read along till the point it really is great. (A rare case where the phrase 'read on it gets better' really is true!) Not that the start is bad at all, just there is room to improve. 

*

Rating: Entertainment factor: 7.5/10 It starts more Slice of Life centered but soon changes to entertaining.
Story idea: 9.5/10 Really good work on that!
Writing Style: 7.0/10 A bit of purple unicorn syndrome if you ask me, but overall fine.

8/10

7231819
I agree that the first chapter is the weaker of the three, but glad to hear it is still ok despite it's flaws.
I also admit that Purple Unicorn Syndrome is a serious flaw of mine, if I don't look for it I tend to overdetail stuff...
Thanks for the review, will try and keep your suggestions in mind for the future.
Glad you enjoyed the story.