• Member Since 3rd Jul, 2015
  • offline last seen Yesterday

Greatazuredragon


Hobbyist writer, I also write non MLP stories at http://www.fanfiction.net/~Greatazuredragon

E

As her father dragged her to Manehattan for a business trip, Diamond Tiara was more than ready to do whatever it took to avoid a very long and boring stay at a hotel room while Filthy Rich finished his deals. As such, when she found out about a tour of the Big Apple and all its sights and wonders, she grabbed the idea with both hooves as a far better way of spending the day, after all, anything was better than being bored out of her mind as she stayed stuck in a room with nothing to do!

Of course, considering that her companions for said tour ended up being a grumpy retired dark lord, his extremely cheerful gargoyle son-in-law, and an utterly clueless saddle arabian tourist, she soon realized that a bit of boredom once in a while may not be that bad when all is said and done.



My attempt at the Season 10 Bingo Writing Contest, so let’s see if I can turn five randomly generated prompts into a story, shall we?

For those who are curious, those prompts were: Grogar; Diamond Tiara; Scorpan; Manehattan; and Saddle Arabia.

Proofreader: The relentless TranquilClaws!

Chapters (3)
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Comments ( 29 )

Scoffing in amusement at her father’s needless over worrying, Diamond Tiara walked into the building and towards where the tour group was supposed to gather, head held high and confident in the knowledge that she could easily deal with whatever it was that Manehattan could throw her way. After all, what was the worst that could happen?

You have lived in Ponyville far to long to taunt fate like that :trixieshiftright:

“Let’s make something perfectly clear, your sorry excuse for a sculpture!” Grogar, the Tyrant of Tambelom, the Dark Warlock, the Father of Monsters, a villain straight from a foal’s storybook, growled at the still cheerfully smiling gargoyle held tight on his grasp. “My darling daughter may have, for reasons that elude me, decided to marry you! But that does not mean you may refer to me in such a familiar way!”

Grogar has a daughter, that's so sweet :raritystarry:

“Can’t we just get along? We’re family after all! And besides, Stheno asked us to spend some quality time together as she dealt with her little business venture!”

... I get the distinct impression that said "business venture" is the same thing that Filthy is in Manehattan for :moustache:

10107954

You have lived in Ponyville far to long to taunt fate like that

Indeed. :eeyup:

Grogar has a daughter, that's so sweet

:heart:

... I get the distinct impression that said "business venture" is the same thing that Filthy is in Manehattan for

:trollestia:
Glad you enjoyed the intro. :twilightsmile:

Well now, that's a start and a half, I wonder how they got clear to the center of the city without anyone noticing?

Stheno eh? Good name.

10108353
I plan to tackle that at the start of the next chapter. It will be fun. :pinkiecrazy:
Glad you liked the chapter.
10108521
:heart:

10108782
Your many sarees are beautiful just like the Legend of Zelda story.

Ok. This is very promising

Hmmm... no, I just can't come up with something right say right now......weird, maybe I'm just tired :trixieshiftleft:

10144359
lol. :derpytongue2:
And here I am making the finishing touches for the final part of this story. :rainbowkiss:

Ri2

Okay, this was fun. Don't suppose we can get a follow-up about them visiting town?

10144498
Glad to hear you liked it.
And if enough people want it I would have no problem with writting a sequel with their visit to ponyvile. :raritywink:

“This is truly wondrous news! Hello, little one, I’m Stheno!” the gorgon happily stated as she continued to treat Diamond like a stuffed animal as she spun and twirled her around, hugging her all the while. “I cannot say how happy I am to hear you gave my grouch of a father a chance! Why, this is a case for celebration!”

Well she does live in Ponyville, befriending former villains is a bit of a trend there :moustache:

“Oh, please, minions and former enemies don’t count! And besides, that only happened because Gusty simply has no idea when to back down and refused your refusal of his friendship!” Stheno promptly replied with a quite final nod of her head, a teasing smile on her features. “And then proceeded to drag his friends along for the ride, this is the first time you decided to make a friend!”

Pretty sure former enemies counts as friends... even if Grogar refuses to acknowledge that :trollestia:

“Lady Stheno, what a pleasant surprise seeing you again so soon!” he greeted the gorgon as he started to trot towards the group, apparently unconcerned by Diamond’s fate. “And I see you have met my dear princess! Diamond, meet lady Stheno, the newest partner and business associate of Rich's Barnyard Bargains! Lady Stheno, meet my daughter, Diamond Tiara.”

Called it :ajsmug:

“Rich, you will not believe this, but my husband and father where on the same tour as your Diamond! And she actually made friends with my father during it!” Stheno cheerfully proclaimed as she proceed to hug her disgruntled looking father.

Stheno, darling, you have clearly never met a pony from Ponyville, because not only will he believe you, he might even have expected/planned it :moustache:

“Why, you must come visit us in Ponyvile so that I may properly thank you for this! We would gladly welcome you all into our home!” Filthy Rich happily proclaimed, as if the idea couldn’t possibly go wrong in a million different ways that Diamond could think from the top of her head.

It's gonna be hilarious :pinkiecrazy:

“Can we daddy? Please?” Stheno pleaded to her father, showing a very masterful use of the puppy-eye technique in the filly’s honest opinion.

She's had plenty of practice, and with all those eyes he never stood a chance :trollestia:

Grogar grumbled under his breath as he attempted to break eye contact with his pleading daughter, only for her to slither in such a way that no matter how he moved his head she remained right in front of him. “Oh, fine, why the heck not!”

See, truly an experienced manipulator :pinkiecrazy:

"and found the idea of making a gorgon, a monster that turns others into statues, marrying a gargoyle, basically a living statue, to be too amusing to pass"
Oh, hah! I hadn't noticed before you pointed it out, but nice one. :)

10145090
Yeah, depending on how well this is received I may write a sequel about the ponyvile visit.

Seriously, her father worried too much! Were they Ponyvile ponies or not? What did the Big Apple have that could hold a candle to Ponyvile, the Weirdness Central of Equestria itself? The place where a bucking crystal-tree-palace-thingy springing out of the ground after an attack by a magic stealing centaur didn’t get more than a cursory look by the inhabitants? The place where a monster attack of a huge bear-bee chimera wasn’t deemed important enough to even delay a weeding? She was a grown filly and knew how to take care of herself!

This is by far the most hilarious collection of typos I have ever seen.

Yes, at Pony-vile (the most vile of places), we celebrate the pulling of weeds.

Ponyville has two L's and a wedding has two D's but only one E.

And now I have this image stuck in my head:
"You may now pull the weed." Said Mayor Mare as she watched Diamond Tiara struggle to get the aforementioned plant out of the ground. At last, she pulled it out. "I now pronounce you farmer and weed."

As she stood in the very nicely furnished sitting room of the tour agency as her fellow tour goers slowly trickled in, Diamond had to admit that, as far as first impressions went, Big Apple’s Tours seemed to live up to its hype. The snacks offered as they waited were top-notch, the decoration was both tasteful and richly done, the seats were extremely comfy, and the staff was incredibly professional.

Your use of "as" was a bit too much for the sentence structure's integrity to pass my safety inspection. It is with heavy heart that I proclaim this grammatical housing unsafe for use. As a bonus for choosing TC Inspections, here is a new house for you free of charge.

"As she stood in the very nicely furnished sitting room of the tour agency waiting for her fellow tour goers to slowly trickle in, Diamond had to admit that, as far as first impressions went, Big Apple's Tours seemed to live up to it's hype."

10153527
Lol, confound these pesky similar words! :trollestia:
Thanks for the help, Claws, will fix the errors you pointed.
Edit: And right on time, today, the 29, is the last day corrections can be made to the stories. :yay:

Tuning out the odd stallion, Diamond attempted to see what had caused this sudden change, as each and every instinct she had developed during years as a Ponyvile pony told her in no uncertain terms that seeking cover as soon as possible might be a good idea.

Change "Ponyvile" to "Ponyville".
Also "during years" and "Ponyville pony" both say the same thing, so you can cut one out to make the sentence less repetitive. If you cut out "during years" the rest of the sentence won't be affected negatively, so that is what I would do. I would also replace "pony" with "resident" because it avoids the repetition of "pony" in "Ponyville pony". Generally, it is a good idea to use a wider variety of words because it keeps the sentence fresh and interesting to read.

Fun fact: The word "as" appears in this chapter 39 times.

And as she watched the growing chaos from her very comfortable seat, Diamond Tiara decided that maybe coming to this tour hadn’t been such a great idea, after all.

Hahahaha! What a great way to end a chapter. I loved reading this and look forward to seeing where it will go next.

“Oh, dear Faust… there are two of them…” Grogar hissed under his breath as his crimson eyes kept going from Scorpan to Joyous, an odd mix of incredulity and fury on his features.

“Lady and gentlebeings

Yes goddess Faust and speciesneutral announcements!:rainbowlaugh:

“Some say one’s worth can be measured by one’s opponents. If so, then I’m proud to claim Queen Majesty as one of my greatest foes!”

So touching! :pinkiecrazy:

no idea when to back down and refused your refusal of his friendship

HIllarious! :rainbowlaugh:

10262048
Glad to hear you enjoyed this little tale. :twilightsmile:

Your review in the My litte Reviews & Feedback group:twilightsmile:

Tazu's Proofreading Service

Her eyes immediately locked themselves first into the main entryway and its large double doors, the quickest and easiest way out of the room. But the warlock standing smack in the middle of said entrance made it a no go. There was a service door at the faraway corner of the room too, behind the table containing the various appetizers and snacks she had been savoring but moments ago. Doable, but still a doubtful proposition due to the distance involved and the lack of cover leading that way. And finally there were the many windows all around the back wall, they were far too small for a grown pony, but that wouldn’t be a problem for her. Reaching them unnoticed could be a problem though.

Replace "into" with "onto". Add a comma after "finally".

“Who are you calling harmless, your talking pile of rocks!” Grogar roared as he forcefully grabbed the gargoyle once again and shoved him straight against the wall with a resounding thump.

Replace "your" with "you're".

The Tyrant of Tambelon’s crimson eyes shone like two pits from the depths of Tartarus itself and darkness seeped out of his horns as he glared at the still smiling gargoyle, before he growled his answer straight at the still smiling being’s face. “Whatever I did to be cursed with you in my life, I didn’t enjoy it nearly enough at the time for it to have been worth it!”

I see the "still smiling" statement was made redundant so that I could safely remove one of them. As for the paragraph itself, I've elected to rearrange some of the details to maintain the piece's flow:

The Tyrant of Tambelon's crimson eyes, shining like two pits from the depths of Tartarus itself, glared at the gargoyle, as darkness seeped out of his horns and a growl made itself known to the still smiling gargoyle's face. “Whatever I did to be cursed with you in my life, I didn’t enjoy it nearly enough at the time for it to have been worth it!”

Tadaa!

As the two continued their bickering, Diamond considered making good on her escape as they were distracted, but in the end decided to remain seated for basically two reasons: The first was that she noticed that, for some reason, the dreaded warlock hadn’t attacked yet, or even made any aggressive moves towards the panicking herd for that matter, despite being more than close enough to be able to do so with ease. The second, was that said panicking herd was acting with all the self-preservation and foresight of somepony who had never seen a monster attack in their lives, mindlessly running and stomping every which way while screaming at the top of their lungs and really not paying attention to where they were going. Really, not even the Flower Trio back home was this bad! And since she had no desire to be trampled by the panicky mass, the pink-coated filly decided that remaining on her seat for the moment was perfectly fine, thank you very much!

Red portion is changed. Underlined is added. Crossed-out needs to be deleted for having no purpose besides taking up space.

As if Grogar's words had been the edict of a god, the majority of ponies in the room proceeded to follow the second option of his demand with such speed that Diamond had to grudgingly admit it was quite impressive, what with how the room went from packed to capacity to nearly empty in a little more time than it took for Pinkie to set up a party.

Red needs to be added.

Now if only the oblivious saddle arabian by her side hadn’t decided to try to be helpful as she jumped after the others and allowed her to make a break for it, instead of catching her mid-jump and proceeding to slowly lower her towards the ground with a happy smile on his muzzle…

This sentence honestly feels like a master-level sudoku puzzle. So, the gist is that the oblivious saddle arabian catches Diamond mid-air as she tries to make a break for the door following other panicked ponies, then lowers her to the ground with a happy smile on his muzzle. Add on the difficulty of an "if only..." statement and this becomes super complicated to put together:

Now if only the oblivious happily smiling saddle arabian by her side hadn't decided to catch her mid-jump and slowly lower her to the ground in an attempt to be helpful, she might have been making a break for it with the other ponies.

I solved the puzzle!

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