EOh Pony! I shrunk my sister!

• MLP: FiM
• Comedy
• Slice of Life

When Sweetie Belle's magical practicing gets a bit out of hoof, Rarity is shocked to find herself tiny, but she's not about to let this stop her from being fabalous!

• Twilight
• Rarity
• Sweetie Belle

Nailah · 1.9k words  ·  47  2 · 2.1k views

Her performance usually improves after she throws up. The numbers support it. What does this have to do with this story? Absolutely nothing.

Today we’re tackling a story by our very own reviewer Nailah! Everyone go give her headpats! For real, she’s an awesome reviewer! Go give her stories! Anyways, today we’re tackling Oh Pony! I Shrunk My Sister!, a short, heartwarming tale about familial relations and a spell gone awry. Let’s hit it. 

The premise of the story is quite simple: Rarity is scrambling to meet a deadline when Sweetie Bell accidentally shrinks her. The story’s only about 1,500 words long, so not much else happens, but it makes up for it with its light hearted tone and characterizations.

Let’s dissect this a little bit. I think one of the biggest criticisms I have with this, and it’s one I have a lot, is that it’s too short and moves a bit too quickly. I think there’s a lot of potential with the way the author has set up the story, but not many avenues are really explored.

For example, the point of Opal is brought up, but isn’t really capitalized upon. There are so many options that the author can take to just tease out the story and make it even better than it already is.

The movement of the story itself also feels a little fast-paced. It moves from scene to scene very rapidly and it doesn’t feel like there’s much filler in between. Which is good for a comedy story, but again, the potential truly is there. I’m greedy! Give me more!

The three characters here are Sweetie Belle, Rarity, and to an extent Twilight, though she doesn’t play a major role. I think the author does a nice job with the characteristics here, choosing to hone in on the sisterly bond Rarity and Sweetie Belle show, hinting at canon events to do so. 

I think Rarity’s concerns about making it to the fashion show are very in character for her, but again as a plot device, it doesn’t seem to be as prominent as I thought it’d end up being. Sweetie Belle is also well developed, maintaining a childlike innocence expected from her. I only wish she had some more reaction to her actions, because as it strands it feels like she simply just goes along with what happens. The characterization is still very strong in the story though!

*cracks knuckles*

Grammar in this story was… actually not that bad. There were a few recurring mistakes I noted. I can actually make two points with one line here:

“Um...I don't know how sister.” replied Sweetie Belle, hunkering her head down, her flank up in the air, her tail whooshing a bit behind her, she gently poked her sister with a forehoof.

First, if a line of dialogue is connected to a tag line like ‘replied Sweetie Belle,’ there should be a comma to signify a connection, as a period would make the second half of the sentence a fragment rather than a complete sentence. Secondly, there are a few times where the sentences feel a bit long and are almost weighted down by extra words. I would recommend that the sentences here actually be separated and given room to breathe, to make it a bit easier to read overall. 

Overall? I think Oh Pony! is a cute, light-hearted story that serves its purpose pretty well. There are a few grammar things that irked me, but my overarching critique is that I really, really wished this was longer. Because again there are a lot of paths the story could walk down, but it doesn’t seem to take any of them. But I leave this up to Nailah to figure out. Still, don’t let this critique turn you off: it’s still a pretty solid story!

On deck we’ve got a longer work, My Faithful Student, by JohnDarkblaze15 (wow that is a long name). See you then! Deuces! 

If you like fluffy, cute stories about ponies, then I’d wholeheartedly recommend this to you.

Pretty good! I can agree with it earning featured status, and congrats on making it! I didn’t really delve into the grammar too much since I don’t think that’s what you want from me, but if you need me to clarify anything hit me up.

I do have my reading notes for your fic, if you would like to see them let me know.

Plot: 6
Characterization: 7
Grammar: 6

Average: 6.33