TCrystal Apocalypse: Redux

• Equestria Girls
• Dark
• Adventure
• Thriller

The world has ended, and left a deadly wasteland behind. Sugarcoat and Sonata attempt to survive it and defeat an army of deranged raiders.

• Violence
• Gore
• Death
• Human
• Alt. Universe
• OC
• Other
• Dazzlings
• Rarity (EqG)
• Shadowbolts (EqG)

leeroy_gIBZ · 12k words  ·  11  7 · 415 views

Summary

The world has ended in the Equestria Girls universe and it has the Mad Max elements of an apocalypse. Which I have found to become the norm with apocalypses with the world lacking in water and plant, wildlife.

The story has a great concept and I enjoy the direction it is heading. However, there are two major problems that I feel really push this story disappointingly away. (I will state these in my feedback.)

General nitpicks (General Positives and negatives):
The Characters are generally Realistic with their actions and speech. However, there are some moments where they do some questionable actions. The Descriptions are nicely done. However, some of them have a problematic stiffness within the second chapter.
The "[Paper Girl link]" is just out of place and awkward, it seems like a mostly potential selfish reference yet it is only shown in Chapter 1. There is great a comedic section in the story (Jokes & puns from characters). However, it's intensity is too sporadic to really latch onto and enjoy.
The Emotions are nicely displayed. However, there is nothing too noticeable between chapter 2 and 3. There are also well placed dark themes that cleanly fade, amazingly well for the odd pacing.

Ratings

Endings:

9/10

The chapters end in amazing spots that make the reader want to continue. Nice creating a ball of mystery that readers gravitate to find out.

Structure:

6/10

There are little awkward structural errors in the paragraphs. The structure is nicely used with short sentences. However, it does get slightly repetitive within the second Chapter.

Lore:

7/10

There is some nicely placed in-depth lore. However, there is a strange feeling that it's tied too, two other stories. Much more then what would be seen in connected universe stories.

Feedback

Please remember these are just suggestions based on experience and knowledge of story writing. Thank you.
Some of the placement of Italics are overused. This doesn't really give them the importance and urgency that Italics normal have.

Most of the problematic issues within the general nitpicks are spawning from these problems.
The word "And" is extremely overused within the story. Which also makes it the lead cause of some other errors within it. A general rule of thumb (that I use for "And"): only one conjunction per describing sentence.
The themes that would be naturally given via the concept, are too forced. This story TRIES to show you the differences, while it should be given passively through small noticeable descriptions, not emphasise and go into depth. Granted Chapter 3 does this really well, however, it's replaced with harsh foreshadowing.

This error is one of the main problems that is created from the two problems above.
The sentences are too long and drain the story of it's pacing as scenes that should be intense and short turn stiff because of how long they are. Some of the scentences lead up to nothing as there is no proper use of Chekhov's gun.

Thank you for your review and feedback.