ETaming Nightmare Moon

• MLP: FiM
• Romance
• Drama

Luna still struggles with the frustrations that made her become Nightmare Moon in the first place. Applejack believes Nightmare Moon is the key to helping her.

• Applejack
• Celestia
• Luna
• OC
• Nightmare Moon

Leafdoggy · 52k words  ·  121  3 · 1.9k views

Summary:
Luna decides, with the help of her marefriend Applejack, to fix the problems she has with her sister in regards of Nightmare Moon, her past, and a lot else. To do so, she decides to change into Nightmare Moon again, with the difference that she is in control this time, driving Celestia mad and while she is already at it, wants to make Applejack a princess.

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I know what most of you think, and so did I, why number x story of Luna + one of the main 6 in a romance story, the theme is worn out already. But, I must say, this story surprised me with its quality and ideas though. So it is not just another Luna + X story. Though, it must be said, there is not much romance in it in the first place, it feels more like Slice of Life, showing that Luna and Applejack care for each other and how they go along then really romantic stuff. Feels like watching an old pair doing their daily chores together, they love each other, but it is more subliminal. Of course, there are one or two romantic scenes still, but not enough to justifie the romance tag in my small opinion.

Anyway, what really was good was the start. It was entertaining, with an interesting concept for this approach of a Luna vs Celestia story which also should have romance. The fast pacing and the good writing style entertained as well as was able to raise interest. Not an easy task I would say with this main idea for the story. Also, the selection of characters, as well show chars as Oc's, was made carefully, only focusing on well thought out chars who stay for the whole story more or less, cause the reader to feel a bit with them and care for them. Even a few side chars really get a personality and some screentime.

Another very good thing was that nearly everything is connected in this story, many little details make a whole picture and work together quite well. Even over a few chapters in some occasions. Sadly, that is also one of the weakspots of this story, since the content is very predictable after a while. As example, char 1 goes to the library in a scene and the plot needs them to meet char 2, so you already know they will meet and by 'happenstance' char 2 accidently walks into the library soon after. This would not be so much of a problem normally, but the amount of 'happenstances' is dragging the story down. Really, that always the right char is in the right place to move the plot forward was a problem after a while. Here is room for improvement.

Another problem is the change of pacing and focus in the middle part. Was the start focused on Luna and Celestia, which entertains, the middle part is more or less filler to say it bluntly. Yes, there is story, and yes the writing itself is good, but, the change to a much slower pacing, focusing on a side plot and also slapstick comedy and fanservice really harms this stories quality. It simple don't fit if Celestia mocks about Trixie for no reason, or if the real life references like The Necronomicolt are mentioned. Sure, we get it, but it simple don't fit. It was a bolt move to change the focus on Applejack and Luna's interest in making her a princess in the first place, givin that the main conflict between Celestia and Luna was the main part of the start and the hook for the reader.

Furthermore, a bit more creativity in the middle section would also have been good, I mean, as exeample, guess who is commin into play when the story needs someone Applejack don't like, right, Flim and Flam, for a story written 2019, there are more original options. And this goes for some event, you know the cliche for the char in question? You already know what happens next. Seriously, old gags and old cliches from the show are not up to date in such a story anymore.

Also it should be mentioned that there are scenes were the author was simple lazy, Twilight could fix a problem but is needed later elsewhere? No problem, she goes into her super secret library which is soundproof for no reason and stays there all day so she don't accidently fix the whole problem. Of course, no one knows she has those, and she moves there in a very important moment by happenstance.

Luckely, the story gets better after this weak middlepart again. Towards the end, the pacing speeds up again and the story focused back on Luna and Celestia, with a little bit Appljack too. It brings back the tension, and also focuses on the strength of this story again: Good chars, good writing style and some emotions you can understand and rely to.

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I like to add, that this story, while having its flaws and problems, still managed to entertain me. I was very eager to read on at the start and towards the end again, this author managed to hook interest and also knows how to write dialogs and actions during or besides them, just the focus and pacing should be worked on a bit more in the future.

So what I try to say here is that the story leaves a better feeling/impression than the blunt facts about it can transmit. I can cleary see its strentgh and weakspots, but there is something between the lines that makes this better as a whole.

*

Rating:

Entertainment Factor : 6.5/10 Start and end are good, middlepart is filler.

Characters : 8/10 They are well written, or in show cases, picked. They raise emotions and have personality, also move the plot forward.

Romance : 2/10 Sadly, it feels just like Slice of Life with some standart romance bits.

Construction of the story/ Build up 9.5/10 Like I mentioned, everything is connected, while it drags the entertainment a bit, it really feels whole on the other claw.

26/40 6.5/10

Thanks for the review! ^w^ I really appreciate it, especially the critical parts. It's always incredibly helpful to have someone break down exactly what they thought held something back, and you broke it down really well. Lots of good points to keep in mind in the future.

I'm glad you enjoyed the read, also! Honestly, saying that it's still enjoyable despite the flaws is a really nice compliment to get. I know how badly a story's flaws can weigh it down. And I'm glad the end was enjoyable! That's probably the part I was most anxious about. Endings are hard.

Thanks again!

7130170
Your welcome! 🐉

And I can assure you the ending was good in my opinion, the faster pace like at the start of the story, the hint of a sequel with Celestia's mirror talk, and how it affected Luna and Applejack, as well as the emotions to it, a job well done!