TDoes this count as... A Crossover?

• MLP: FiM
• Adventure
• Drama
• Mystery

It's the story of two fictional villains (or are they) coming together to kick plot, chew bubble gum and perhaps find love. It is such a shame they are out of gum.

• Alt. Universe
• Daring Do
• Mane-iac
• Power Ponies
• Ahuizotl
• Moondancer

Robipony · 15k words  ·  33  3 · 851 views

"Does This Count As... A Crossover?" By Robipony is (at the moment) a four-chapter story following the recently paroled Mane-iac, otherwise known as Mable Mane. And Ahuizotl, who both arrived to the power pony universe, and subsequently lost his powers, by magical means.

Thoughts Just After Reading:
The story, at first, was really, really swell. Really laying the foundation and capturing that strange mystic of an Indiana Jones film, giving us the mystic's of magic, the possible destruction the artifact can cause if in the wrong hands, an ever ticking timebomb as the hero rushes forward to stop it and... Did I mention it's from the perspective of the villain? I loved that.

The second chapter places us firmly in the power pony universe, and once again, we get the perspective of the Villian Mane-iac as she's let out of prison for good behavior. Now, I won't get too far into this one, but for me as I read, it quite honestly brought me back to the days of watching batman or any DC comic's show. And to reiterate, I loved it.

But unfortunately, from chapter three on... the story really starts to take a dip. And on chapter four... it ends right as the villains agree to work together. Complete tag and all. It's like the author just... gave up.

Grammar: 6/10
The story's quality really starts to take a serious dive in the second half of the story.

Character development: 7/10
Constantly throughout the story, the author had me questioning whether or not the Mane-iac was truly reformed or not. Sure, her motives are explained thoroughly in chapter four, but throughout the story it really made me wonder how she'd achieve her goals. Which, is really nice to see when you're going for a comic vibe.

Stories Morality: 0/10
Despite the "Complete" tag at the bottom of the story, I'm fairly confident to say the story feels... Almost abandoned near the start of its arc. It feels like it wanted to be something more than what it was, that it ended off right at a crucial point for both of the main characters, and because of that, I cannot decern any morality or personal message that the story aims to tell. And for that, dreadfully, I have to give it a zero out of ten.

13/30 = 4.33/10 Would seriously avoid reading until it's actually completed.

My note to the author:
I also understand that in writing, passions for certain topics might falter, or fade completely. And, as I read, it became fairly obvious through lack of polish, that your passion for this work, was fading as your frustration for the fic grew. And that happens to us all as writers. Sometimes the best thing one can do for a story, is to leave it for a while and work on something else for a bit. So when you do come back, you're able to have a fresh perspective. Because to push through the frustration, easily paints it onto the very page you're writing, and readers can tell.

7098207 Thank you for the review.

Admittedly, it was early in my fimfiction writing days as a story for a contest. The rules was that the story had to be complete for the contest, which is one of the reasons why it ended like such. That and it was at a time when I wasn't sure that anyone actually liked any of my stories and so I said I would mark it incomplete once more and write more chapters if I received 25 or more likes. As you can see 22 is the max so far.

Out of curiosity if I was to fix up the grammar and expanded upon the story, do you think its score might increase?

7098380
Yea, probably. Honestly, it had a pretty good build-up, it just ended a right as things were picking up speed.