EPlease, Starlight, Come Back

• MLP: FiM
• Random
• Sad
• Slice of Life

Double Diamond finds Starlight in the mountains

• Alt. Universe
• Starlight Glimmer
• Double Diamond

TheHardie-Boy · 2.5k words  ·  64  4 · 1.8k views

"Please, Starlight, Come Back." Is a short one-shot story following Double Diamond. A white Earthpony in Starlights old village faced with the heavy burden of leadership after Starlight was run out of town. And wanting nothing more than for her to return and lead them instead.

Thoughts just after reading:
The story's concept of Double Diamond's concerns, fears and struggles of being thrust directly into the leadership of Starlights old village is fascinating, to say the least. There is a lot a writer can do to express the hardships a small northern village on a patch of barren soil can face. Especially one that has recently been "liberated" (for lack of a better term) from a cult-like influence. Of which the story does touches upon such concerns, like how the down is scrambling to repair the village, stockpile supplies for winter, and generally reorganize their social hierarchy. Along with portraying frequent thoughts from Double Diamond, that he just wishes Starlight would return.

But, unfortunately, this story fails to really give each subject the time it truly deserves, and thus hinders the overall story. Let's get into is a little, shall we?

Grammar: 4/10
There are frequent points in the story where sentences failed to flow smoothly, this was mostly due to the author adding periods halfway through sentences, where a mear transitional word, like "as" or "while", would suffice. On top of that, there were frequent misspelling's which made me assume the story didn't have an editor.

Stories Morality: 0/10
During the plot of this short story, and after an hour of contemplation, I still cannot gage or understand the moral of the story if it has one. And perhaps that is to my own fault. Which is possible. But, to me, it did not leave enough of an impression to be seen.

Plot Progression: 2/10
The story itself felt, unfocused if that's the word. Didn't really expand on the desperation of the town's plight, giving the reader context as to why Double Diamond wasn't a good fit for leadership. And by failing to do this, left us wondering why he actually sought to convince her to return. This left a plot, built without a foundation. And, ultimately that left a story with more to be desired.

TL;DR 6/30 or 2/10 would not recommend.

My advice to the author:
I understand this story was meant to be short and to be a one-shot none the less. But please, feel free to expand upon some of the situations listed above. Sure, it may make the story a bit longer, but, it can only aim to help the reader see the desperation that the townsfolk in the village are in. And show the inexperienced leader Double Diamond is.

My second piece of advice is to please recruit an editor. This story suffers from frequent grammar and sentence flow issues that we as writers are susceptible to miss.

I hope this helps.