EThe Gorgony in the Everfree

• MLP: FiM
• Adventure
• Comedy
• Drama

What if Fluttershy was a Gorgony before she became one of the Elements of Harmony?

• Alt. Universe
• Fluttershy
• Zecora
• Nightmare Moon
• Main 6
• Diamond Dogs

Robipony · 20k words  ·  196  13 · 5.3k views

Summary:

This story is the written version of the first two episodes of MLP season 1, only with the focus is on Fluttershy and not Twilight, also Fluttershy is a Gorgony, means a mix of pony and Medusa as far as I see it. The starts and the ending differs due to this circumstance, and the middle part of the story is fluffed up a bit with taking into consideration how things would have went with Fluttershy could turn people to stone and her mane has its own personalities.

First of all, the adaptation of Flutters be a gorgony works well and is executed in a fitting way mostly. Starting with the different beginning that Flutters life in the Everfree forest, and has trouble with interacting with ponies and also feels herself as a monster is a good starts and made a solid background. The part is short enough to entertain and raise curiousity, while also deliver all the necassary infos.

When we reach the middle part, the author was quite good at implement the scenes from the actuall episodes into his story. For example, the moment Flutters and Twilight meet is almost exactly like in the show, of course Flutters is a gorgony and all, but with some clever writing and build up, it works out. I must say, very well done, same goes for the other scenes from the episode, like the welcome party for Twilight. Yes, there are minor differences, and that is only logical, but the main idea and course of action is the same.

But we also must see the problem with this, while reading, I was entertained and a bit curious till the half of the story, but as soon as I reached the part where this story and the episodes became quite the same for a while by content, it got very boring. I mean, with the focus on Fluttershy, you see a different 'episode' than the original one. While Twilight does her chores and preperations with Spike, Fluttershy has her own goals and 'to do's' we read about, so the overall event is the same but you see different places and actions most of the time. Still like I said there is the point when all the main 6 act together and that really quick becomes boring due to the fact we all know what happens, means curiousity gone.

Anyway, also must be mentioned that the author tried to fluff this up with some additional scenes or altered once. It was a good idea, and indeed helps a little bit. So A for effort.

*

So the author asked me:
While the story did end up being featured here on FiMFiction, I really couldn't understand why (after all it is a retelling of the first two episodes of the show) and I am hoping for some insight on it.

My answer:
This is a Fluttershy focused story, many people like her a lot so this draws attention. Furthermore, you have an interesting concept and an original too, making her a gorgony, that raise more curiousity and attract more potential readers. Third, your writing is good, the flow is good and the additional or altered scenes are fitting while entertaining.
Only real downside is the predictebility of the plot, but I think fans of Fluttershy mostly don't care and only want to read more about her kindness and struggles.

So -> Right character, for the right audience, with a well enough writing skill -> featured.

*

Rating:

Idea: 7/10 (The idea of Fluttershy be a gorgony is worth more points but the generel plot is mostly the first two episodes so not much creative work)

Entertainment: 6.5/10 (First half 9/10 second half of the story 4/10

Writing Style and skill: 9/10 (Like I said this flows well and how the scenes are written to give credit to Fluttershy be a gorgony while stick to the original story was well done.)

7.5 of 10

6990753 7.5 out of 10 is pretty good. Thank you for the review.

6990896
Your welcome, I hope your question has been answered enough.

6990912 Sorry for performing necromancy on this thread. I just recently had a few ideas flow through my head and I wanted to ask you another question.

Still like I said there is the point when all the main 6 act together and that really quick becomes boring due to the fact we all know what happens, means curiosity gone.

Do you think the story could improve and become more interesting if one or both of the following changes were to occur:

• The mane 6 are split up and only a few of the ponies make it to the castle.
• There was a different ending, maybe Nightmare Moon wins, or maybe Nightmare Moon is defeated and Luna returns but something happens to Celestia, resulting in perhaps Luna having to take over (perhaps it could be linked to that... one ending scene, that I am glad you didn't mention in your review ).

Just curious. I hope you are having a good day.

7121047
Quite a while since I read your story. I think the problem was more the similarity of the middle part of your story to the actuall episode, I would start there to make some additions to fluff the content up. The end was already fluffed up, if I remember right, like with Fluttershy and this creature. Also if you change the ending, I would say why not, it gives you the opportunity to devlop your alternative universe more, bring more fresh ideas and entertainment while keeping a connection to the original show.