Hello, hello! This's the second of the two 'test reviews' I made for this group.

TLuna Angels

• MLP: FiM
• Dark
• Adventure

Deemed by society as outcasts, misfits, losers, no good punks. Apart they are nothing together they are Luna Angels

• Narcotics
• Sex
• Violence
• Death
• Profanity
• Anthro
• Alt. Universe
• Big Mac
• OC
• Other

anarchywolf18 · 12k words  ·  19  3 · 880 views

It's an unfinished story, so I'll just go through Chapter 1.

A quick summary...

Badass Big Mac (that's Badass with a capital B) rides his motorcycle to a gas station where he meets three members of the titular 'Luna Angels'. They tell him where they're going, ask to meet up, then ride off, leaving him refueling his bike.

Review

How do you begin a story?

There's a few ways you could try to do it; you might try to get the reader's interest by setting up a cool hook, or maybe introduce the main character, or the story's setting, if it's unique enough. Usually, though, it's a good idea to present something interesting in the beginning.

The problem I have with the story, is that it doesn't make much of an effort to link to draw anyone's attention. Sure, we get to see a totally different image of Mac in the beginning, and this could be interesting -- but the story doesn't really try to link the two personalities of Big Mac together. They seem so different from each other that they might as well be two different people. There's very little hint of his old personality in the story, and so my first reaction was not, 'What happened to Big Mac?', but instead just accepting that this is AU Big Mac, and wondering what would happen next. This would be fine, but, well, what actually happens in the chapter?

The chapter as a whole is pretty slow-moving, and if you read through it again nothing interesting is really happening. Sure, Mac meets the Luna Angels, but there's nothing interesting about them, they're just another group. What's so special about them, other than that they're a bunch of war vets? What makes their group different and attract Mac's attention?

I mentioned exploring the setting earlier, but this story doesn't do much of that either. The only environment we're exposed to is a featureless desert in some unknown location. I don't think that's the most interesting of places.

Writing as a whole looks pretty solid, with few grammatical errors. Though, there are bits that read pretty awkwardly, especially when you string a couple of short sentences together:

The ride was exactly the way he preferred it. With not another soul to be seen. And the desert land untouched by corporate pricks, who constantly tried to spoil the land he loved with their developments.

And you do have a tendency to overuse this specific sentence structure...

His buckskin jacket, seasoned by the sun, wind and rain. His jeans, a faded pallor, their color lost to the desert. His build, imposing. His face, hard and weathered from a life of drifting.

...which reads a little weirdly after a while.

Also, I noticed you really like to use very short paragraphs, like one- or two-sentence paragraphs. I'd understand if it were an action scene or something, but this scene seems pretty calm. The short paragraphs really break up the flow of reading sometimes.

Scores, and some suggestions

Grammar and Other Mechanical Aspects
Your grasp of writing is pretty solid! But, you might want to work on your sentence structures and paragraphing, they do come across as slightly awkward at times.

8/10

Characterisation and Dialogue
Well... what can I say? Your ability to describe characters through appearance is great. Dialogue is pretty smooth, and feels natural.

Though, I really don't see the point of using Mac instead of, say, an OC here, seeing as his personality is totally different without anything so much as a hint at the reason. Also... I notice your characters are bordering on cliche, though that might be just because it's the first chapter. Most of the characters you introduced are like, overwhelmingly masculine. Do keep an eye on it!

7/10

Generating Interest
So, like I said, a couple of missed opportunities here and there lead to a pretty uninteresting introduction to the story. I don't really have any urge to continue the story, which is really not what you want from a first chapter!

Try to focus on what question you want the readers to be thinking about, questions like 'What happened to Mac?' or 'What happened to Equestria?' or, maybe more relevant, 'Who are the Luna Angels?'. Figure out the questions, and write the introduction such that the readers are as curious as possible to get the answers to these questions.

4.5/10

In summary...

Your writing is solid! You have a knack for descriptions, and you seem more or less comfortable in your use of language! The storytelling aspects I highlighted really hinder the story though, so despite your great use of language your story gets an overall score of 6/10.

Or something like that, because to be honest I haven't really figured out this whole scoring thing yet.

Anything you disagree with? Or anything you find just doesn't make sense at all that you want me to explain more? Please leave a comment on this thread!

6959435
Thank you for the review. The second chapter will tell what happens to Big Mac, it will also have some action scenes. This was the first time I wrote a first chapter where no one got shot or impaled I will make up for this in the second chapter.