TFlatline

• Equestria Girls
• Sad
• Tragedy

I shall fear no evil...

• Death
• Scootaloo
• Cheerilee
• OC
• CMCs
• Rumble

The Blue EM2 · 6.2k words  ·  22  6 · 1.2k views

Flatline
Writer: The Blue EM2
Genre: Sad, Tragedy - Rated Teen
Read: Completed at 6227 words, 5 chapters
Rating: 5/10
Recommendation: Skip unless you want to see Christianity applied to MLP.

Scootaloo dies and goes to Heaven. Yes, really. One day she passes out, wakes up in a hospital and finds that she has three hours to live. Then she lives for three hours and proceeds to die, goes to Heaven, meets the Abrahamic God and is sent back due to a clerical error.

Rarely ever have I found self-professed religious fiction of any religion that I’ve genuinely enjoyed. Offhand I can name two authors who can do it well; CS Lewis, Haruko Ichikawa. Although The Blue EM2’s heart is in the right place, his execution is severely lacking here. Little he writes for this really feels like it has the appropriate amount of gravitas for what it is; Scootaloo’s death feels sudden, Heaven seems mundane almost, and her return to life is regarded by the other characters as ‘nice but not particularly miraculous.’

For writing like this, a significant level of catharsis is required. Filler and mediocre grammar are no substitutes for that. The story devotes an entire chapter to slice of life setting up Scootaloo’s illness and reintroducing canon characters. None of that is necessary; if you’re going into a story expecting a dying crusader, having her be totally fine for a whole day is somewhat frustrating. Also, the level of detail given to what she’s doing here is also somewhat arbitrary and I’m tempted to bring up Chekov’s Gun here: stuff like her getting water in her ear or picking out a purple hoodie isn’t relevant and the level of detail devoted to stuff like this which isn’t followed up is distracting. Instead use that effort to show the reader more about Heaven and her loved ones’ reactions to her untimely death.

Another issue here is the dialogue. Scootaloo and her friend’s are supposed to be twelve. Keep that in mind. They text with perfect punctuation. Scootaloo quotes a few Bible verses. Even her friends having a conniption over her dying has them speaking with an oddly mature level of diction. For one character, this would be fine; it gives an opportunity to explain traits and give them a unique voice, like was done in The Blue EM2’s retelling of Cheerilee’s Garden [link]. However, if everyone does it, it makes reading dialogue and conversation clunky and slightly contrived.

My next criticism would be the trains. I don’t particularly like trains. However, it's clear that the author loves them. He loves them so much that he names them whenever they come up. Does this add anything? No. Do I know what a “BR Standard Class 5 4-6-0” is or why Heaven uses them? Also, no. Again, it's a matter of Chekov’s Gun. Extra detail has to mean something. Jargon is the opposite of that - I know what a steam train looks like, why not tell me what colour it is rather than what brand it is? One of those things means something, the other probably doesn’t to a layman.

Plot: 3/5. Solid.
Characters: 3/5. God Himself does not impress here.
Style: 2/5. Clunky and either too vague or too verbose.
Execution: 2/5. The idea can work but it lacks the majesty required for the concepts it discusses.
Overall Rating: 10/20 = 5/10

To The Blue EM2: Honestly, my first recommendation to you would be to see how The Bible itself handles similar events to this. Genesis, Revelation and Ezekiel are highly descriptive and really put over a very human perception of how Heaven might appear. Don’t be afraid to be “over the top” with this sort of story - I’d rather read something fantastical than something so mundane that it can almost be boring at points. Furthermore, look how kids actually talk - I’ve never met one to idly quote verses or a group of them to text with perfect grammar. I’d also advise for you too tone it down with the trains or describe the actual machines in more detail - it's clear that you’re passionate about them and that you know your stuff and that they do have a role in your stories, but the same isn’t true for the audience; I had no idea who Richard Trevithick until I read this fic, for instance.

As always, if you enjoyed this review, feel free to check out my other writing here.