EFamiliar

• MLP: FiM
• Slice of Life

Spike finds Twilight awake in the middle of the night, unable to sleep, worrying about her upcoming elevation to ruler of Equestria. As usual, he knows what to say to put her mind at ease.

• Twilight
• Spike

The Cloptimist · 2.1k words  ·  72  3 · 2k views

Summary

Spike wakes to find Twilight sleeping on her scrolls and books again. However, she's awake and wants to ask Spike something personal.

The main problem with the story is that there are too many long sentences. I understand the wanted effect however, they seem to long. It affects the grammar of the story and it feels like if I were to read it out loud I would run out of breath. Besides this glaring error, the story is extremely engaging while leaving the readers emotionally satisfied. Even with it's short size.

Ratings

Characters:

8/10

The characters are no the main focus of the story however, the story presents them in a realistic way. With their descriptions and actions being realistic and engaging.

Structure:

6/10

I can gather the intended message and view while being engaging. However, the sentences are too long and follow grammar errors within it. (Check the feedback for a suggestion)

Emotions:

10/10

The story is able to engage and entrap the readers with it's emotional imagery, that everyone can relate to. Best of all that gave this story it's mark was it's ending and how it left readers emotionally satisfied.

Feedback

Please remember these are just suggestions based on experience and knowledge of story writing. Thank you.

With elongated sentences I think it would be better to use this system: 1-and, 1-commas if not using numbered items, if one of these are there full stop 'however'.

Thanks for the review!

6938562
Your welcome.