TThe Hero Club

• MLP: FiM
• Drama
• Mystery
• Slice of Life

After being charged with assault, young Gusty Breeze is released into the care of an estranged aunt. The last thing she wants is to get in trouble again. Unfortunately for her, circumstances have other plans.

• Alt. Universe
• OC

Mind Jack · 46k words  ·  34  2 · 699 views

Summary

The Hero Club is a nice story containing three young fillies. Each of them having destructive capabilities, yet they all have their own reasons for doing so. They are unlikely friends however, having similar pasts they are able to sympathise with each other. They face problems and together try to solve them.

The story is well written with a few errors such as: Grammar, the ability of one of the characters (Boomer), cliches met but not taken advantage of. However, despite those errors there is nothing that I can see that is wrong with it.

I have read Azure's review and what I've found is that the style of writing this story is in fits the writing style of a award winning author Gath Nix. The style does not get good perception of some readers however, that is dependent on the readers.

With the tags the story fits them perfectly. However, I would add the comedy tag for the amount of comedy it contains wither it is intentional or not. The jokes it has catches me off guard completely with dark underlying themes.

Ratings

Characters:

9.5/10

The characters are consistently realistic with their dialogue, actions and relationships. And it seems that the protagonist is related to the mane six indirectly. However, it would be unfair of me to give it a perfect score because there is one scene where there is a temporary break. (It'll be described in the feedback)

Descriptions:

9/10

The descriptions are consistently real and hits the mark of the descriptions needed in a story. However, this has a strong break in the second chapter yet it continues in the third chapter.

Engagement:

10/10

The story also is engaging with real causes and character abilities although some I do not understand. (it was in the summary) It also has the ability to get readers interested and wanting more, while providing proof that Mind Jack did their research on touchy subjects to get them right.

Feedback

Please remember these are just suggestions based on experience and knowledge of story writing. Thank you.

I Don't see the need in putting the chapter title below the title page for the chapters because the chapter titles are already presented above.

With most the errors I think the best way to find and fix them is to read the story out load to yourself. It may take some time but it is a effective way to find errors in grammar and structure.

😐😑😤😧😩

Wow! Thank you! I'm glad you enjoyed it so much. ^^

The chapter title thing is actually a holdover from another site, since I don't just post it here.

What was the scene from the second chapter that you didn't like?

6928863
Erm... Is everything okay? Not sure what the emojis mean here.

Oh, and to correct one thing. I was designing this story for about 4 years before I posted it. Long before Flutter Brutter came out. So while I can't confirm or deny whether Gusty's related to Fluttershy right now, it wasn't my original intent. ^^,

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You have my notes like you asked you can see where I got that fact from.