Tags: MLP: FiM, MLP: Movie, Comedy, OC, Other, Main 6

Word Count: 2,131

Okay, the story starts with Pinkie making a balloon figure, for some reason. It switches to Twilight, she's nervous, which is understandable, given the fact that the last friendship festival didn't go well. Celestia shows up, gives Twilight a pep talk.

Twilight's Spidey Sense goes off —that was a joke— and an airship invades. "Soldiers" exit from the ship, and stand at attention.  A fox-man, named Timothy exits next, —this guy seriously gives me Grubber-crossed-with-Capper vibes— basically being the hype-man for his employer.

The princesses are debating whether or not the new arrivals or bad. Eventually, Timothy introduces the bad guy, Wraith-Mask. Wraith-Mask walks out from the ship, like Tempest Shadow. Then comes the reveal!

He's only there to participate in the activities.

The story ends with Timothy dragging Twilight away to party with her.

The show's characters in this are accurate and believable.

For a Comedy, I was expecting more humour. The funniest part of this story is the "villain's" reveal.

Okay, the plot. Basically, a bad guy, complete with a crew, appears to invade Canterlot. But, he only invades to join in on the festivities, that's the only reason.

I want to say that I liked the original characters, but I really didn't. Sorry.

Timothy seems like the kind of animal-person you'd most likely punch out, like Grubber. I just don't like characters like them. He's like in your face, yelling in your ear. Wouldn't you want to hurt someone like that?

I liked Wraith-Mask. He has a good entrance, mirroring Tempest Shadow's in the movie, but he has a ridiculous outfit. I know he's supposed to be a dancer, but maybe it just isn't my cup of tea.

The style was good, but some parts were chaotic and could use some order.

I feel like there could've been more the author could've done, by expanding the story.

If I were to have a main character count range for OCs, it would be in between 3-5. Just gives a story life.

I know how it is writing comedy, not easy. Good humour isn't rocket science, and it definitely isn't something you can just write off the top of your skull. There are a couple of things that you could have added to the humour, there could've been a funny reaction from someone in the crowd to Wraith's outfit, Pinkie could've let someone else make a balloon figure, just to name a few.

I despise adverbs, so much. They just ruin the immersion of the story, your eyes just skim over them, and you're like, "Oh." If you're not sure what I'm talking about, adverbs are words that describe how an action looks. Me? I prefer to describe the action myself.

This story was good, I just wish it were longer. Could've built off of it and made it into a larger story.

I give this story a 7/10 for Characters,

9/10 for Character Accuracy,

6.5/10 for Humor,

9/10 for Style,

And, a 6.5/10 for the Plot.

Total Score: 38/50

Final Score: 8/10

I apologize if I seemed ticked off in this review, I wrote this before I went to sleep. The writing is good, just gotta work on your characters and humour more. And try to balance showing and telling. -D

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6923622
Thanks for the review. I'm never sure how to approach 'expand on things' requests to one shots, since if I did that, it wouldn't be a one shot. I can only assume this ends up being a compliment in wanting more.

6923628
I see. Well, I am used to writing longer stories, so that's where that came from.

Yes, it was a compliment. Shame it's a one shot though.