TAftermath

• MLP: FiM
• Sad
• Slice of Life

Aftermath: something that results or follows from an event, especially one of a disastrous or unfortunate nature.

• Crossover
• Alt. Universe
• OC
• Other

Nerdz · 26k words  ·  15  1 · 1.1k views

Summary

This story presents the future of Equestria (presumably from Seasons 6 or 7) in which the villains have had children, who take part of a collage that, I presume was made by Twilight. Much like the title suggests this is the aftermath of the first story where the protagonist are finding themselves and trying to solve problems or questions they have about their family.

With the tags everything follows it however, I cannot understand where the crossover is. The only change I would include is Slice of Life as the readers are given a description of how they live and how normal society is.

I know this isn't normally my style however, I've had to make some changes. Hope you still enjoy.

.
I'll start with the cons (Most of these can be fixed with the feedback):

1. This story seems to need the touch of an editor or proofreader with the amount of grammatical errors. I've found myself auto-correcting it naturally which a story shouldn't allow to happen.
2. The story (the second chapter exactly) appears to be overdoing a country accent by putting it into speech, I understand how in some cases that's a good thing however, I, myself found it heavily distracting.
3. This story appears to be confused on what needs to be shown to the readers and what needs to be told. As a writer myself I am aware of how hard it is to keep these on the proper terms however, it is easy to tell through reading.
4. The second Chapter has a heavy motif of flashbacks that are exposition heavy, this isn't a bad thing. However, they do need to be manged better.
5. The second Chapter is also exposition heavy in general some of the ways the exposition is sett up makes sense however, they are lacklustre and confusing.

.
Okay now that, that is out of the way the pros:

1. Nerdz has obviously done some research on certain subjects that most people would not know. This proves how much they care for the story.
2. This story contains nice amount of descriptions although they may become confusing at some points it is cumulatively all right.
3. The first chapter seamlessly cuts to flashback-ish scenes however, it does lose this touch in the second chapter.
4. The endings of both chapters are emotionally touching and sweet.

.
Now some interesting facts about the story:

• Reading the story I've noticed a similar structure to Shakespearean tragedy plays
• This story also has a unique character development plot
• The story also almost got a laugh out of me by surprising my dark humour in the second chapter
• The story includes an interesting description on Nerdz concept on changelings eating habits
• There is an realistic link to the story of the original show.
• The show also adds a nice touch of a motif in the second chapter that is used in a more pleasant manner at the ending.

Ratings

Emotions:

9.5/10

This story hit me where it hurts it did miss sometimes however, the emotion from the character oozed out at the words and jumped at making me indecisive on the score. finishing with the current score that is an in-between of the two choices I had.

Structure:

3/10

This story seems to need the touch of an editor or proofreader with the amount of grammatical errors. I've found myself auto-correcting it naturally which a story should allow to happen. However, this is not consistent through the story gaining it the mark it received.

Characters:

10/10

Even through I had trouble deciphering who was who the characters in this story was realistic in multiple ways such as their; emotions to certain situations, their reactions to elements and how they would move in the context of their body. There was a moment where it broke from that however, it brought me back by giving me humour in how realistic the characters are.

Feedback

Please remember these are just suggestions based on experience and knowledge of story writing. Thank you.

Try using Bold instead of Italics in the flashback as emphases, it was confusing to find what was being emphased reading it.

There needs to a smother cut between the chapters I found myself Heavily questions what connection the second chapter has on the first.

I know this is a squeal however, every story should introduce the characters, their connection to one another and environments even if they were already introduced, flashbacks are included to this, so readers can understand who is who. You can get lazy on these facts however, you cannot completely negate them, which you appear to have done.

When cutting to a new scene or event do not start with an action, rather start with a description. If linked describe the change of the certain elements and state those that are consistent.