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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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- MLP: FiM
- Transformers
- Dark
- Sad
- Sci-Fi
The Transformer Unicron has come and is about to devour Equestria, will Equestria survive?Okay, I’ve been a long time Transformers fan, since the Armada days actually. What, don’t look at me like that, it was my introduction to the series. If it helps any, I still prefer Prime and Beast Wars over anything else. But enough of my rambling. Actually, I may have to do a bit more here in a sec, but… Agh.
Okay, now… this story… It really sorta set off alarm bells as soon as I looked at it. I mean, gore, death, suicide/self harm all on the same story, with a title like that? Yeah… That kinda makes me wary.
Anyways, time for that aforementioned rambling I did warn you about. Unicron. In basic, he’s Transformers version of the Devil or Marvel Comics’ Galactus. Right down to his preferred diet.
“It defies all logic, Bill. Dark Energon? Then you go on record saying that you believe in magical horses with horns on their heads.”
“What?”
“Do you deny previously reporting that Megatron helped defeat a unicorn?”
“Oh? That's what you...? Unicron! The ultimate evil! Permission to strike this from the record.” - Agent William Fowler and his boss on a common spelling mishap.
Now, to quote TF Wiki on the subject…
Yeah, so very bad news. I think you get the picture. He's been ignoring Galactus's C&D letters since 1985.
Now, Hasbro's played with the formula over the years, such as making him transcend a physical body as we know it, but it all broils down to the same basic character in the end. Wants to destroy his archenemy Primus and all of his creations. The Devil of TF lore.
Now, this fic fails in so many areas in the realm of brief logic it boggles the mind. I’m sorry, but first off… The ponies have one massive source equal to the Matrix of Leadership, -Unicron’s worst nightmare in TF canon- AKA the power of Friendship. And never once do they think to use this? Granted, maybe they’re not told of what Unicron is weak to, but Rainbow Lasers should be thought of at first glance. Also, Unicron never thinks to eat the sun, aka the thing that gives Celestia her power. Wouldn’t exactly bother him, given this guy eats planets. Might give him indigestion but… (Seriously, someone detonated a moon in his face in his first appearance in TF fiction and it didn’t even bother him.)
Actually, on that note, Unicron devours a planet as soon as he comes across it normally. What do you think he does here? Eats Equus at once? No, because there has to be a plot he doesn’t do that and instead just… waits. He eats Luna’s moon, but nothing else. He could create emissaries, seriously he can do this. He doesn’t do that either.
Also, it’d be interesting for neither Unicron nor the ponies to know what to make of the other. Do we get that? Mimes buzzer Sorry, nope again!
Personally, I kind of think it'd be more amusing to have him show up in their system, both sides quite unaware of what each other is about... maybe have the ponies send out some friendly greetings before getting munched or others become Unicron’s Horsemen. But that’s just me. I’m not a writer… Oh wait, YES I AM! Common sense dictates if there’s a way to create good drama, take it!
Also, the ponies are very horribly represented here. Yes, you have a world-eating monster facing you but you also have… Oh, I don’t know, a god yourself? Oh, yes, the King of Chaos. Yes, Discord’s a story breaker powerwise but he’d be the first I’d send out against Unicron. Hell, make him into a Horseman! My god…
Also, Sombra is alive and well for some reason, and in love with Twilight. Yes, our Sombra. Not the Mirror version, not Shattered Glass, but our Crystal-Loving egomaniac.
Also, Celestia talks about ponies and suicide. Now, this immediately drove the fic down major points for me. Suicide, for obvious reasons, is not something you put in a fic for cheap drama, or feels or anything. No, it needs to be handled with a lot of delicacy. Sadly, I don’t think that many authors actually grasp that. Let me put it this way. If you saw someone writing about suicide as a cheap gimmick, and you knew someone who actually killed themselves, how would you feel? That’s how mad this ploy makes me every time I see it pulled in a fic.
Okay, three ways the ponies could win. One, have Discord pull a Q. Two, gather up everyone they can find, even past villains and fight back. Hey, it’s their world as well! Doubt they’d want to get eaten. It’s what the Autobots and Decepticons do when Unicron comes to call. Or three, whip out the Elements and Rainbow Laser old Unicron to oblivion.
All in all, the final tally?
1/10.
Would not recommend to anyone with good taste.
6857231
Wow harsh much
So your saying that my story is garbage that there's nothing good with it. You could have written the good points about it as well well as the bad that's the whole point of a review. Smh at you seeing there are others that like this story. And seriously really you would say drunk is the only time you would read this story that's just plain stupid. The whole point is whether Equestria would live through this time of despair, suicide is one thing I get that I had a friend that did it and it hurts, but in reality think about it if you're stuck on Earth about to be eaten by Unicron and there's no escape what would you do. Would you rather be eaten or rather die by an easier mean, fear is the one that drives this thought and that's what happens in this story and the whole point on putting a suicide tag. Suicide is sad and I'm sorry if you didn't like it but it happens because people have no one to talk to and believe there's nothing left to live in the world and seeing how you don't get that this story is of very few where the world actually ends. And firstly did you even read the story, I'm guessing not because Unicron's did create an emissary and you plainly ignore it. Secondly Discord could snap his fingers but Unicron is the god of chaos and so reality breaking powers don't work and discord knows that chaos against chaos creates more chaos which I already addressed in the story. Thirdly you said past villains and fighting back, did you not read the story that's what there doing right now everyone is looking past the past and uniting under one to stand against Unicron's but also fully ignored. Fourthly you also never thought that Primus and elements aren't the same thing, only Unicron is affected by the essence of Primus and he's the god of creation so friendship isn't always gonna help. All in all I'm saying this review is absolutely revolting in how it portrays the story and you should write a better review in a nicer way by putting what's good what's bad and not be biased on things that you think don't happen but actually do. Also read the story properly!
6857855
Okay... that response is uh... something. Bit of a word jumble actually. That's not exactly inspiring confidence in your abilities to me. Okay, I'm going to be outright frank with you.
Get. An. Editor.
Seriously, the freaking logical flaws in this story are ghastly. You're a Transformers fan right? Of course you are, otherwise you wouldn't have written this piece. Then you should very well know Unicron's character. Your entire premise was doomed from the start as soon as you made Unicron sit around and wait for the ponies to hold a press conference. No, just no. Unicron, as soon as he stumbles upon his next meal... He doesn't give anyone time to fight back. He just chows down.
Uh yeah... Man, last I checked the point of a story review was to break down, critique, and analyze a piece of work regardless of how good or bad it actually is.
Okay, sorry for your loss... But it isn't an excuse. Not in the slightest.
… Your story is about a god the size of a planet about to destroy Equus, I fail to see the suicide connection here. Unless someone pulls a Prime and sacrifices themselves to save the planet, I don't see the connection. And actually...
Unicron's not a god of chaos in the traditional sense. More like a manipulator, and a destroyer. I'd actually call him a death god if I was being pedantic. Also, I notice you fail to respond to the massive OOCness of how Sombra is in love with Twilight for... some reason and how I point out how off this is.
Honestly, if you take critique this badly, I'd have recommended you turned the ratings off, or not ask for feedback. But that's just my honest opinion. You gotta accept as soon as you ask for this story to be reviewed, people aren't going to necessarily see things how you want them to. Namely, praise every aspect of this fic. Because trust me, people aren't. That's the cold hard truth. Now look, I've been given feedback on my stories quite often, sometimes nasty, sometimes not. But you don't generally see me making a big show of it and ranting at the reviewer. No, I accept their feedback, move on, and try to address it.
6857855
Hey there, fellow author. I typically lurk in this group and only recently joined so I can finally get notifications. I often came here to take a gander at reviews since I myself do reviews (you can check them out on my blog). However, given that my activity on FiMFiction is sporadic due to real life issues, I seldom have time to read many. I see that you're not taking this review well, so I want to try and help you out. See, I know how much it can hurt to see your story get lambasted. Here's the thing however: it isn't the end of the world. Critics aren't here to bully you into submission or make you stop wanting to write. Their job is to give criticism; to help you improve. Now granted, some take the idea of reviewing as a means of being an "angry reviewer" in the vein of someone like Doug Walker. Those people like to play it up for laughs rather than actually being insightful. In Brick's case, his anger wasn't intended to make you feel bad. I would know this as I've been reviewing an array of entertainment mediums for nearly a decade now.
A critic's job isn't to be a sycophant to the author. Sure, some critics are fans of certain authors and directors, but most set aside their love and admiration for them to give them feedback on what does and doesn't work. In Brick's case, he criticized your butchering of Transformers lore and for having bad grammar and punctuation. The reason he didn't mention what worked is because of what I suspect to be one major reason. Simply put: whatever did worked was overshadowed by what didn't a thousand fold. Issues like this can often make what worked actually worse because it creates a logic loop of sorts.
See, when you have something that works; something that shines in a story that's lackluster, the critic will latch onto it as something of a pick-me-up since they aren't enjoying the story, film, video game, or even the song.
However, as the work they're writing or recording a review for goes on, that "shine" begins to fade as they realize that what works is a part of whatever it is they're reviewing. It becomes guilty by association. But since they like it, they often block it out as they don't want to get angry towards something they like. It's irrational anger and I'll admit: I'm guilty of that as I have a pretty nasty temper.
Brick likely did have something he liked, but he blocked it out as his disdain for the story (which I can understand as a story that does a disservice to something one loves can create a lot of rage; see M. Night Shyamalan's The Last Airbender for proof. I didn't hate it, but I'm also unfamiliar with the television show).
This is something that I'm guilty of, but I recommend you taking a brief moment to take a gander at things from this angle. Confirmation bias is a very dangerous thing in the realm of creating content. If you don't take criticism into consideration, you're doomed to never improve at your craft and you'll gain a massive ego.
I was guilty of this.
I'm not proud of it by any means, but my work over time began to suffer because I brushed aside the concerns of some friends because I thought I was hot shit and the best at writing absurdist comedy. This couldn't have been farther from the truth. As such, I began to decline in my quality because I paid less and less attention to what I was writing and what kind of nonsense I was putting out on FiMFiction. I didn't know why, but whenever I was told that I was egotistical and brushing off criticism from friends, I got angry because I figured that it was just "haters" or people just "didn't get it" because they had no sense of humor. You can't ignore criticism just because you have people that like it. Now yeah, there can be critics that are haters of your work. That's a given whenever you produce content for any media platform. However, not everyone is a "hater" who criticizes your work. You need to remember that. It's vital in the world of creating content.
I used to use metaphors like this when I reviewed, but I've more or less moved on from it. This isn't uncommon in the realm of being a critic or reviewer however. I'll admit that I think it's stupid given the mindset I use when I review things (that's right Brick, I'll criticize you too) and I think that most reviewers should refrain from such metaphors since it can seem like unnecessary shade throwing. That said, he didn't mean it in a malicious way. It wasn't an attack towards you, but towards the story. While the sting of someone disliking your story can be painful, you have to remember that the attack towards the story isn't an attack towards you. Had it been an attack towards you, it would've read along the lines of, "I would only read something from this author if I was drunk." If that were the case, I would agree with you that that was unnecessarily aggressive and insulting.
Something I often see from people who dislike critics is that they'll say something along the lines of, "If you think you can do better, why don't you do so?" This is a very childish argument and while it can be applied to some critics who are unnecessarily aggressive. While you yourself don't do it, you seem to believe that you yourself can write a better review. Now granted, maybe you can, but you seem to miss the point of reviewing something. In my eyes, reviewing something means reviewing it objectively. In that you have to set aside how you personally felt about it and that you must review it based on how it is as a representation of whatever entertainment medium it's a part of.
I personally love the Roland Emmerich film 2012. It's an awesome visual effects fest filled with a lot of destruction, chaos, and insanity. To me, it's the mother of all disaster movies and I adore it. The Peter Berg film Battleship is also a lot of fun. The Michael Bay film Transformers: Age of Extinction is incredibly nonsensical, but fun. If I were to review those three from an objective point of view however, I'd be extremely harsh towards them. They aren't, by any stretch of the imagination, good films. They all suffer from terrible plots, flat, generic characters, and a lack of any semblance of substance to back up their overabundance of style. This is why so many major blockbuster films with budgets that reach nine figures are often widely regarded as being really bad.
Reviewing something is more than just being both nice and mean. It's about taking something that consumes the time of the critic and how it entertains them and how it also presents a cohesive narrative with character arcs and a balance of style and substance. To give three counters to the three films I mentioned above: the John Wick films bring to the table brilliant choreographed action with a unique, well built world that allows for a surprisingly strong story to be crafted. It's more than just your typical "retired assassin comes out for one final job" story, it's a personal revenge story for a man who wants to live a quiet life and is brought back to a world of assassins and killers. Two other films are Mad Max: Fury Road and Sicario. The former tell its story through the chaotic action it brings to the table, while the latter uses its action to paint a horrifyingly bleak picture of the real world that I cannot stress enough has given me nightmares ever since I saw it.
Your comment on being biased is something that I do agree with: every critic should set aside biases when reviewing things. Whether or not you like or dislike someone should never affect the score of whatever it is you're reviewing. However, from what I can tell: Brick didn't do that. Sure, he loves Transformers, but if you don't handle the characters of that property well in your story, it's a given that you'll get criticized for that. I wrote a story featuring John Wick and I definitely didn't handle his character as well as I could (I wrote him as being a bit more coldblooded than I should have). I was criticized, felt a bit bad since I had a feeling I did just that (though I also wrote the story when I had a bad throat infection so... not the best move on my part), but I moved on and vowed to fix such issues in the future when writing stories with established characters.
Now as for your comment on reading the story properly: I don't recommend ever saying that. That's a personal attack towards the critic. It makes you look childish. Be civil with your critics. Be kind; show respect. Acknowledge that you'll improve upon what they said and thank them. If it's not constructive criticism and something more along the lines of, "lol u suk", then I recommend ignoring them. Don't give attention to people like that. Just let them be; they'll get bored after a while.
Now, I'll admit: I haven't read your story. I'm not a Transformers fan beyond what I've seen in the Michael Bay films (I haven't seen Bumblebee yet). My advice to you however is to simmer down a bit and take into account what Brick's said. I don't believe he means any harm. While he does seem peeved at the story, it seems to have poorly represented something he's a die hard fan of. I can understand that anger. While I personally believe he could've definitely been more levelheaded with his review and worded some things in a more diplomatic manner, his passion clearly got the better of him.
My final words to you, Deathstroke, are this: keep writing, keep improving, and know that most critics aren't out to mock or anger you. They want to help you improve as both an author and as a content creator. I should know, my critics helped me improve as an author.
6858073
See now this I can agree too, I too have realised that it does have flaws in the story, there’s no perfect story and I guess I got a bit carried away too. My main reason for my anger is the 1/10, I’m Asian and that Maths really triggers me. The only reason you would give a 1/10 is if it’s unreadable like with only a few sentences that makes sense which is definitely not what’s in the story.
Also when people see a really bad review (being 1 star and drunk to read it), people would usually not even bother reading it or even come close to touching it when in all honesty could be good to their liking.
But all in all thanks for making me realise a better way of understanding and I’ll continue writing.
6857981
I’d like to apologize for lashing out at you and how you reviewed it but sometimes you have to not exaggerate as much as it would seem to be. People aren’t as nice on the internet (I haven’t sworn or insulted you personally) as they use to be so
6858470
Thank you for the apology. Vertigo was absolutely right on quite a few points. Namely, any good points this story had... well, needless to say, they were hugely overshadowed by the massive amount of things this story did get wrong. I like to put myself as harsh, but ultimately fair in the end and while I'm not sure if I was that here I was giving my honest opinions on everything. And trust me, there are so many ways this could be much worse. But that said, Vert was also right in that you poorly handling the Transformers franchise and Unicron in particular really set me off.
If I was to review this as a popcorn flick if you will, then I might have a different opinion as in some ways this is entertaining like a good action flick, Maybe not Fast and the Furious level, but something certainly higher than say... Micheal Bay's films. But I was looking at the story objectively, from a writing standpoint. Not an entertainment standpoint. So I had to rate it the way I did.
My advice from here, aside from all that I've said is to just keep going and keep learning. The only way forwards is up.
6858477
I would like to remind you of the group standarts for Reviews as we talked about in your apply for the job:
So stuff like :
is not appropriate. Please just change it to: 'not recomment for reasons' or something like that.
And I already told you to watch your language
:
This group is not rage reviews.
6858584
Okay, altered.