Motherhood and Style by David Silver

What happens when an author/editor/reviewer is asked to review a story and the main issue is grammar and construction? You get this review. Again, I’m changing my approach with this review due to the nature of the problems I found and the type of story.

However, as usual, let's start with the positives. In terms of a story, this is a nice little popcorn read. It's a 3K word story centered around a hunchback of Notre Dame looking donkey foal coming to a new school due to an unfortunate development. This isn't the most original of stories, but the premise is just one of those that are meant to warm your heart. But since I got rid of my heart some time ago in exchange for a better appreciation of dark stories I might not be the go-to guy for advice on making wholesome stories. As far as I’m concerned, this is one of those perfect concept pieces, it comes in, tells a short story and leaves. If you ever are looking around on youtube for animated short films this is that type of story.

One of the first issues I noticed was the lack of words. Not in terms of word count, but in sentence construction. Let me give you some examples.

I have a foal to rescue, one I promised I watch in just such an emergency.

Should be;

I have a foal to rescue, one I promised I would watch in just such an emergency.

and

Rarity stepped off the train, returned to Ponyville.

This should read as;

Rarity stepped off the train, having returned to Ponyville.

These weren't common, but when they showed up, at least for me, they were quite noticeable. Another thing that needs improvements would be the descriptions. There are two issues that I noticed occurring regularly; lack of subtlety and unnecessary descriptions. Lets first tackle the unnecessary descriptions first.

Compared to the larger school he could see in the distance, it was kinda small, but it was still huge in comparison to himself.

Why was it necessary to tell me the school was bigger than he was? Are there schools that are as big as he is? Smaller even? That description told me nothing about the school that I would not have otherwise known. Contrast that with this;

He was not a pretty donkey, ears a bit too large, nose a bit too bulbous, and his teeth, displayed in an awkward smile, a bit too prominent.

While I would have used handsome or attractive rather than pretty, and I am perplexed as to why he is smiling, this is still better in terms of describing a thing. Now on to lack of subtlety.

She returned her smile as best she could, putting aside that her newest student was both a donkey and an unseemly one at that

Remember the rule; show, don’t tell. Give descriptions of things or allow the way they interact with their environment to give the reader information as to what it looks like. This description outright told me what her thoughts are, no hinting, no subtext. Instances where thoughts and things are being described in this story need to be done with more nuance and allow the reader to figure out what is going on rather than serve that information directly. Finally, the donkey and his classmates are suposed to be in preschool, right? So why does it sound like everyone in this story has at least made it through the fifth grade? I could not count how many times I kept having to remind myself that these were children that should still have no idea how to properly form a complex sentence to adequately express themselves.

Final Scores;

Writing: 6/10, this story is in need of an editor. There were quite a few mistakes that would in all likelihood not have been there had an editor been present. Nothing that rendered it unreadable, just a large amount of little mistakes that irked me.

Story: 7/10, this was a nice little escape from the real world. I just wish there would have been more there to get to know and understand… well, to be honest, anything.

Pacing: 8/10, this was well done for the number of words this was. I would have just liked to know why some of the other foals started to warm up to him so quickly.

Total: 21/10, or 7/10. As I said, this isn't a story you pick up for doing a full day extensive analysis on looking for all the hidden meanings. This is a simple, sweet story you read for an hour or so to get that warm feeling at the bottom of your heart.

6783416
Thank you for the view. Side note: Smiles are done for a lot of reasons, including fear, since the fear expression is right up next to a smile, and why people seem to smile when they scare themselves (like on amusement park rides).

6783556 Better known as the "rictus grin."

6783690
Yes, that. The other thing that makes me sigh is that the one thing I didn't tell, but showed, is the thing that was confused, that being how our protagonist got some friends. They never said why, but I thought I had showed why, but failed, apparently.

6783699
Sorry I didn't see this earlier. The issue with the friends things mostly came out of how fast it happened. With Second Servings, the friendship apeared to start after they bonded over having off kilter names, and with Top Speed it started after he wanted to try deviled eggs. My issue mostly comes down to Barry aquireing one friend within 5 minuts of meeting them and a second after sharing food with them. I know some people can make new friends at the drop of a hat, but hot damn, that speed of friendship making is bordering on Pinkie Pie levels. For this it might just be down to prefference as I personaly see friendships as taking hours of exposure to even realy start to form.

6796445
Did you entirely miss him defending her? She also got him food when he was being punished. I thought they had both been charmingly drawn to one another.

6796450
I did realise that, I'm just more acustomed to friendships taking a little more time to form, so the friendship establishing within an hour of meeting when the most either knows of the other is that they both have odd names and that Barry isn't a fan of the teacher bad mouthing Second feels off to me. Examples of stories I love with the pacing of friendship development I prefer would be Changing Views and The Dragon And The Pony. If you look at both stories they are several times the length of this one, so I'm nox exactly being subtle with how I prefer this to be handled in stories. If it sounds like I am attacking your story and choices here I'm sorry, that isn't my intention. For me at least, that level of friendship development in that lenth of time just feels rushed and unnatural.

6796483
These are also 4-5 year olds, developmentally speaking. Friendships being declared within the hour? Far from unreasonable. They may also swear life-vengeance just as easily, and forget it by lunch time.