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Rarity learns of a terrible accident that has befallen a distant friend, leaving their child alone and abandoned. She's foalsat before, surely taking up the slack and preventing further tragedy to a small vulnerable one would be the right thing to do.
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Wow, this is fucking good.
9013847
9013910
It was a pleasure writing it. Thanks for reading and sharing!
This was a great story
"Her tears fell on his little held as she rocked back and forth with him."
Held? Was that meant to be "head"?
"He glanced around without turning his head and saw Second Chance."
Was that supposed to be Second Serving?
Oh, and actually, I missed this before, sorry, but it looks like her name is a bit inconsistent; I've found one place she's named "Second Servings" and another where it's "Second Serving".
"Inside were deviled eggs, or what might have once meet."
Meet? Did you mean "been"?
A nice story, this. :)
9014139
Typos disciplined and banned from little foal school, as if we need more there.
9014155
Heh. :)
Finally there’s a story like this! I remember some fans on this site have wanted Rarity adopt a donkey which actually would be a interesting story. Sadly I’ve never seen anyone did it yet but till now.
It’s awesome to see this idea being written and hope to see more.
ahh to bad its a one shot I wouldn't mind more
A sweet tale indeed, though that teacher...
Honestly, lady, he's the new kid, he still hasn't accepted his parents are gone forever, and he's going to feel self-conscious when he's the only donkey in the class. How about a little compassion?
Ah well, at least friendship transcends the species barrier. Thank you for this. Though I did find a few more typos that need to be put in time-out:
Missing "your," and it's more of an offer than advice.
Should be capitalized since they're being used as names.
Of.
9014631
Awesome!
9014694
I thought I had replied to this, but it's not there! The teacher was typical Equestrian grade (They really don't have a good batting average on teachers). She did try to be accommodating, in all the blind privileged ways you can be. Even while doing so, his corrections bothered her, because students are not there to teach her, especially ones young enough to not even be in 'real' school.
Two of those typos were sent home to their parents with notes.
Overall, this was a decent story. Doing a tale about a donkey trying to fit in with regular ponies is interesting, and the way he interacts with everypony feels fairly natural. I also like how there's more judgment towards the uppity teacher than the rude students. Poor behavior is often the result of poor instruction, and I thought the story did a good job subtly showing that.
The one thing I think doesn't entirely work is Rarity being the parent. Not because it's a bad idea, but because it doesn't impact the story as much as it probably should. Most of the story is simply about Barry's day at school, with Rarity taking custody only in the opening of the story. Maybe if the story was longer and examined this element more thoroughly, it'd work better.
But that's a minor issue. The rest of the experience in the school is pretty solid.
9015190
If this was an ongoing series, exploring Rarity and Barry's relationship would be vital and delved into eagerly.
As it is, and as you pointed out, the focus was 'Barry's day at school', but we had to know who Barry was, and why he was at this school, and where are they. I hope I got this information across with efficient swiftness while not dismissing it either.
9015200
I get what you're saying, but there are other ways to explain him being at this school other than "Rarity took custody of him after his parent's died". That set-up is specific enough and focuses on a very well-known character from the show that it's kind of odd to not see that element focused on in the story (it doesn't help that the story description and photo implies it's a Rarity story). If anything, I'd argue that the story might be more effective if there was little set-up at all, simply starting with Barry going to school for the first time. Rarity could still be his guardian, but the story wouldn't focus so much on them coming together and devote more time to the school experience.
9015216
Except! I am entirely open to someone loving this idea and wanting more. If I hadn't made a world around them that made coherent sense, the odds are reduced dramatically. I like living worlds. I don't like things that don't fit with other things.
9015223
Eh, whatever floats your boat. Like I said, the story is pretty solid as is. I just think it would've been more effective had the story not had all that build-up and focused more on the school day itself.
Interessting, but I miss the small part where Rarity meets the little one for the first time, at least in this story.
I'm not sure if I understood the situation, I didn't even noticed that she was suddenly there, but is the teacher a mean one?
I somehow feel like it's rude from his teacher, that she has her own plans with feeding him for whatever reason and it looks like she is talking about an animal.
It looks like it shouldn't be a one-shot only, it doesn't really looks like it's finished, but I liked what I had to read and I would even like a little romance to happen between them. You called the little foals Mares, how old are they exactly?
However this doesn't mean that I want the story to contentrate on that or that. I just always like a certain portion of it in a story if it is done right.
This entire tale was Soo bittersweet and cutteee! I love/hate how even the teacher was kinda racist when she didn't know how to treat Barry, or even what to feed him, AND assuming he acted just like Cranky. I'm happy the other students, Top Speed/Second Servings saw the good in him and accepted him as a student.
D'awww... Think my heart just melted a little.
I have to second the criticism that I was expecting a story about Rarity suddenly being a mom, and how she dealt with that, not "Barry's first day at a strange school."
You know, because the title and synopsis said that's what this was.
9097103
Sweetie is not grown up, and was jealous, but she is also a good pony by default and was giving our protag some gentle ribbing about it without being mean.
9099114
That is outside the scope of this story. If it were continued, I'd address that.
Here's your review.
camo.fimfiction.net/4Ju0aHOfX-WCOT5NGJXWppI8uZhLYicJTjL6KbCJylA?url=https%3A%2F%2Flh5.googleusercontent.com%2F7A7V11y39s6dKxmZt-QGwcW-zu-aAesSa-iDsa3LKAG6gbDpa_k8-VonqkZ9TkMMTrin_NSZMAUVWVpdaumqttkyFtZMA3fQix8cAH28ShO3fnt1OyUNGzCg7q0umx1b1xd1aMCH
9490879
Thankee!
How does Barry's parents know Rarity?
9505346
Likely an interesting story, though not super critical to this story. Maybe if this one was made longer?