The Reliving by Order or Chaos (Part 1: Ch 1-7)

So let me talk about Tropes 2: Electric Boogaloo; The Musical, directed by Michael Bay. You might think I'm being a little harsh, but let me explain. In the first chapter, we get to meet the main character, an “I’m so much better and smarter than you” human, cosplaying Mr. Edgelord McEdgelordton, who then proceeds to flat out tell us he is looking for stereotypical merchant #29465 that will send him to a new world (Equestrian being heavily implied). I... don't know what to say here. This story just flat out told me it took originality behind the shed and put a bullet between its eyes. Usually when I read a story like this, there’s an attempt to hide that it isn't original, but nope, right there from the start. I don't know whether to commend or berate it for not even trying. After reading this I couldn't help but think that the author was going for writing a satire, lambasting the displaced genre for being repetitive. I went back to look at the tags after finishing the first chapter, and sure enough, the comedy tag. I don't know if this was truly intended to be a satire or if the comedy tag was used for other moments in the story, but the amount of tropes used here feels almost too purposeful.

In terms of the things that I liked about the story, one of the most enjoyable aspects was the characters. While this is an alternate universe story, thus the scourge of my “That's not how not to write those characters” criticism, I did find the canon characters quite interesting (It also helps that I’ve never seen the EQG movies, so I have no context on how they should be). Another good thing was the pacing. I have a soft spot for stories that take a while to get going so the fact the story is still introducing things and fleshing out the world by the end of chapter 7 does my heart good.  

Some big problems I had with the story was the overabundance of telling rather than showing and exposition dumps being just about the only way backstory is conveyed. Why oh why could I not be shown glimpses of a character's backstory, or be allowed to formulate an idea of what it might be based on their actions? Additionally, the writing was off. For the most part, it wasn't wrong on a fundamental level, just put together in ways that aren't conducive to having the reader properly “get” what is going on. But something very wrong and especially irritating I found were instances where several characters talked to each other and ALL of the quotes were in the same paragraph. I do some work as an editor and have done a lot of research on how to write, so seeing one of the FIRST RULES of writing being broken made several of my blood vessels rupture. Added on to this was the switching of perspectives. Now I have done this in two of my stories so I can't claim complete innocence, but there is one thing to remember when doing that; when writing in the first person, never have two characters that have their stories told from the first person perspective interact extensively. The reason for this is called priming. By having a story start being told from a specific character's perspective, the audience is primed to associate them with ‘I’. You can change perspectives after this, but if the two characters start to interact, the character that first used ‘I’ can get subconsciously replaced with the other character when ‘I’ shows up.

[Personal issue (not counted in the score, just me griping): chapter four; no, that is not how biology. The whole examination he had of his body was nice, but there were so many biological inaccuracies. Being a biologist, it hurt me to read it. For one, unless this dude had the worst kidneys in the world, that suddenly became perfect at filtering blood, stones would not be forming. Two, unless this dude had <5% body fat, his body wouldn't be on death's door due to not eating that day. Additionally, unless his hair now grows at about 0.1 meters a day, and his nails at a similar rate, they wouldn't have grown as much as they did, especially with his body going into starvation mode. There are more issues, but I don't think anyone wants me to write an entire ten page cited paper here on why literally three sentences are incorrect in terms of biological accuracy.

Final Scores:

Writing; 6/10, this wasn’t unreadable, but boy, was that frustrating to read given the breaking of a fundamental rule of dialog and the several instances of poor construction I found.

Characters; 8/10, these were overall very pleasant to read about. With the exception of Sr. Wish-fulfillment being a Gary Stu and one of the sirens going from hostile to pleasent at the drop of a hat, this was well written.

World-Building; 7/10, it takes to about chapter 6 to really start to start getting some real world-building (we do get the sirens backstory in chapter 4 but it’s only one thing so it doesn't really count) but what we get is fairly interesting. To bad it takes so long to get to and isn’t explored considering the protag is a brony so should be a little curious as to what the differences are between this world and the shows.

Final score; 21/30 or 7/10, I honestly liked this story, discounting the issues with writing, my personal issues, and my general distaste of the displaced genre as a whole, I actually found this to be a pleasant read. While I can’t recommend the story, it is the first story I have read that is just short of being recommended (if only the main character wasn't so insufferably perfect).

6775625

Thank you for this review. Now, some of the things you pointed out as negative are quite important actually and they WILL be explained. Eventually. However, I find this review has been quite fair, considering it has only been the first seven chapters.

As for grammar, I really need to go back and fix it up to match the content later in the story.

I appreciate this greatly, have a wonderful day and a good read if you do.

Important Note... While the character is from another world. It's not a typical displaced story and will never be. That is what I set out to make.

6775718
That's good to hear. The main reason I was bringing it up was due to the story following just about every trope from the genre:

• Overpowerd? Has a perfect memory and is able to figure out something in someone's specialty that they couldn't.
• Likeable? Literally, everyone that wasn't the market pony or random author has either instantly been accepting of him or has come around to liking him, despite having the personality that typically makes others want to feed them into a wood chipper.
• Looks Evil, Actually Good? Yeah... I don't think this one needs much explanation. He looks like Sauron's estranged cousin, but sans the attitude, is an alright dude.
• The Ship Master? Not yet, but veering very close with Sunset and at least one of the sirens.
• Big Bad Arrives, Team Up With Main Cast And Use New Super Powers? Not yet.

Would you mind explaining what your intentions are for the story? That first chapter realy messed with my perception. I've been reading the story as mostly a satire up untill now due to the recognition of it being a displaced story, but if that wasn't your goal I'll need to reframe how I look at the story to provide good feedback.

6775775

Uhm... Okay. So. Yes, he was thrown from another world. No, I am not planning him being stoned for a thousand years. No, I am not planning him being nice and friendly with everybody and them being the same, not everyone in the story is upfront with their feelings and actions. I am trying to make the characters changing of feelings depending on the situation feel more fluid at the moment. I am not planning any crossovers with other displaced stories. There IS an eventual reason as to why I chose this type beginning of all things. Because its easy to imagine. Does that mean I was actually lazy? No. Is he overpowered? Not now and nowhere soon in my plans. Am I planning on fleshing out characters and their interactions, reducing exposition dumps? I am as much as possible.

Overpoweredness: Yes, he does have perfect memory, but... but but but, there is a catch. Just hasn't been even hinted at yet. As for figuring out something out that someone else couldn't it is because the book has knowledge that the ponies don't. Whatsoever. But that's not everything.

Concerning likeability: It is Sonata's and Sunsets character to like people before they get to know them. Adagio tolerates him because of Sunset and her sister. Aria doesn't give a fuck. Rarity has a business to run, plus he did help with the market thing. Let us not forget that ponies are generally friendly and forgiving until there is a breaking point. Not ones originating from such as city as Canterlot though. As for later in the story, well, that's where mindgames come in. Might be genuine, might be not.

Concerning shipping: he may seem edgy(you'll know what I mean later on), but there is a reason behind that regarding his past and his desires/mentality. Sex is going to be a thing tho. But not like..."OH I WANT THIS CHARACHTER TO FUCK THAT CHARACHTER ALL OF A SUDDEN!" Sex and sexuality is important to the story in more ways than one.

Concerning the character being edgy: his past is the reason for that, but trust me, he has been fairly nice so far. I've been thinking of calling the story "Book of Sorrow" for a reason. He wants to be happy but the pressure of the Equestrian rulers presence is what's pushing on him at the moment, so he's ore passive aggressive than usual.

Concerning some characters actions: Feel free to make a review on all the knowledge you have at the moment, I understand that and it will be a while until I explain some of the things. There is a LOT of character backstory, practically for each character that I could explore at any given time.

Now, important question of the day. How long am I planning to make my story? Well.... Four Acts, at least two hundred chapters.

Your last question, here's the answer: Introduce a character.

A more detailed explanation: I will be honest with you. I did not take inspiration from displaced stories to write this story. It will show later in the story, but for now you will have to not treat him as a brony, but someone who just wanted to be in another world and got sent to Equestria. Gets dropped right in the center of a massive shitstorm. And it ain't peaceful. Not always at least. As for the story, it is... Well... My previous answer above this one is the most accurate I can give. It is an adventure.

Hopefully, I answered all your questions. If you have any more, I'll be happy to answer.

6775805

After I finish off part two of the review, would you be fine with having a discord chat to go over the criticisms and thoughts on the matter? I'm a little better at orating my thoughts and this would allow for instant back and forth as well as the ability to go over things individually.

6776420

Why yes, I think I could. I never used Discord much before so I do not know. I'll try my best to make it work.