Ryuuzan, a Gryphon Silenced by Kimono-Gryphon

This is a story I have found to be very enjoyable. the premise really hooked me as it is a novel one, a mute gryphon trying to help save Equestria. The story takes a great while to get going, to give you context, the story has only just started to delve into the threat the gryphon was referring to, in chapter 6. This is a slow burn story that gives me a warm feeling inside. I also liked the novel concept of the story and how it ends up proceeding from Chapter 7 forward.

The first criticism I have is that this story is in need of an editor. One thing that makes this apparent is that tenses were getting mixed up. An example would be this;

Past tense:

A lone servant pony walked along the halls of Canterlot Palace, pushing a small cart of hot beverages for the staff holding court. It was Winter Lilly’s posted duty as one of the Royal kitchen staff to bring drinks to the evening court sessions for the night princess when requested.

Notice the use of was and “walked”? this is written as if the event happened in the past.

Present tense:

While this is a common occurrence during daylight hours where Celestia, the alicorn of the sun is abiding in the main throne room where cases of law are brought forward to rule on, has asked for tea to be at hoof-side

Notice the use of “is”? This is written as if the event is happening now.

While this might be excusable to some extent, in these examples, the present example is LITERALY right after the past example. Besides that, the general sentence construction could use some work as it flows a little off. With a little help from an editor, this story could really shine. [NOTE: the quality of writing begins to show signs of improvement starting at around chapter 3. I don't know why but the first chapter does not give the best first impressions.]

Criticism two that I have, THE ACTUAL HELL IS WRONG WITH NIGHT HOOVES? While I can understand having Equestria be a but uglier than in the show and making things a bit more gritty and dark -I should know, I’m trying to do it now in a story- there needs to be a reason. As it stands, Night is just a dick for the sake of being a dick. He should be a trained professional held to some of the highest standards seeing as he is guarding a ruler, but he comes across as a noob, and a sociopath/psychopath of one.

Something that isn’t really a criticism but more of a question I have on a plot point that didn't make much sense to me was why Ryuuzan can hear but can't speak. We know he can hear given that he responds to spoken words and the nurse that cares for him when she whistles/hums. While the speaking thing could just be lip reading, the nurse scene confounds me. While it is possible to be mute and not deaf, the fact he knows sign language and can hear begs the question, why can't he speak? Someone obviously taught him how to communicate, so what prevents him from talking?

This is a difficult story to review at the moment mostly due to so little having happened so for in the story. I know it is only about half done as I was allowed access to the authors master document and do a review off of that so many of my issues and good things to say come into play in later chapters as that is when everything starts to happen. The author did ask me though to keep from spoiling what happens in the story so I will not give those thoughts away just yet. When the full story is released I will post the part two of this review for fill context to the review scores I give.

Final score:

Characters: 5/10, I really wanted to like them, I really did, but about half of the time either canon characters were not behaving as they should behave or an OC just really isn’t that compelling. The first half is where you see a lot of the misses.

Plot: 7/10, [Part 2 contains explanation]

Concept: 8/10, this is a story I’m not sure I’ve seen done before. I really liked the author’s take on the mystery/crime/conspiracy story. it is also quite interesting to see a disabled protagonist helm a story, especially one where the disability was more of a side concern rather than the entire focus of a charicter.

Writing: 6/10, as I said, this story could use an editor to iron out a few things, especially in the earlier chapters. It isn’t poorly written, it's just that there are fairly obvious changes that should be made to bring this story up to the level I believe it deserves.

Total: 26/40 or 6.5/10 [Part 2 contains Summary]

*Bawwwks as eyes glitter huge like a puppy on full bore cuteness.*

My friend,
Thank you so very much for your review.

I know I did need an editor, and I had posted requests, but no one had taken the reigns so to speak.

This is indeed a first delving into a major story that I had ever done, and wished to thank you for being completely honest. I did wish to show a slightly more murky, slightly more ... hmmmm... not dangerous side... but the best way I can put it, is when Luna confronts 'Tia and tells her that ....

"Some little ponies are not as innocent as thee hoped."

And I felt the need to dig into that more.

Ya, I know Night Hooves is a dick. I have met and worked with people in my life that just excel at being a major dickhead with all the trimmings. No matter how I tried to be pleasant to them, they were a major ass-kisser to the boss at one driving job i worked at. He was such an unsafe driver, he had wrecked his truck repeatedly, to the point of sending his dump truck into a creek bed. But the boss loved him because he delivered the most loads per day, making the boss the most money. And that made him more of a dick.

I on the other hand delivered maybe 25% less daily, but i was a completely safe driver, no accidents or tickets ever. And i was harassed daily for being slower

And don't get me started on sociopaths or psychos, as i had examples of both in my immediate life growing up. So, yes, some people can be at some jobs, but then the sociopaths are led either by the way they were raised, the way their head is screwed on, or from someone in their own lives pulling the strings.

Why Ryuuzan cannot talk, will be addressed later on in detail. And I wished to show a character that was deaf or mute, because in my personal life, I suffer from vertigo, tinnitus and moderate hearing loss, with it ever so gradually worsening... I also have had a passing fascination to sign language as well. So I wanted to see if i could combine those elements to make a new kind of character not really featured before in FimFiction, or in the MLP universe.

But again, thank you for the review... and when I do get a chance to get a rewrite, ill feature you in the credits and thanks... *bows humbly*

Cheers,
Gryphon <><

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If you want I could help with the rewrite, I work as an editor, it was how I meet Azure, and while I'm stretching myself thin at the moment I think I might be able to help you.

One thing I would suggest if you want a good gritty feel some good readings you could do would be Silent Ponyville 2 (any silent ponyville would work but I find the first and second to be the best for darker real-world concepts with the second being a personal favorite), most anything in the Your Human And You universe, but keep in mind these are LONG stories usually so not the best if you want quick reads to make quick fixes, and if you will allow me a little self-promotion, A Timberwolf For Forrester as I am making the world there cruel and a little less forgiving.

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Then I will gladly accept your help... I know you are stretched thin, so just kindly let me know when you are able to start.

Please take your time, as I know you are busy. And, I will start reading Timberwolf since it is yours.

Cheers mate,
Gryphon <><

Ps, if there is anything you need me to do, just ask in a PM...

6706957
Time for the second part of the review (if only to stop the incessant poking). [note: I did editing on the story, so I'm bumping up the writing score from this review up to a 9/10 as I will never claim to have perfect editing ability.]

So to start off with, let me go over the parts of the first review I said would be here. In terms of the plot, the major weakness comes in the form of the courtroom rush. This story seemed to be billed as a mystery story, granted, it doesn't have the tag, but the way it was written I was half expecting this to just be an oversight on the part of the author. I really liked the way this story was going in the first half, I was just disappointed that the second half just pukes out all the answers rapid-fire once the court scene takes place. I feel that a much more eloquent way this could have been done would have been to keep the group in the shadows and have the ponies trying to find out what had happened slowly come to figure out what had happened and what was going on.

As for the characters, surprise, Night Hooves was evil the whole time, shocker (that or he was an immediate convert to the evil group following his sacking). This is where the full context of my gripe with him comes in. He did not even try to hide any of this, it was just out in the open. I personally would have preferred it if he would have been either a man on the inside causing trouble for the protagonists or as a red herring. Additionally, why were so many ponies so gung-ho about fucking with Ryuuzan and ending relations with the gryphons? How did the shadowy group garner so much support? All of these questions never got answered, and only more questions were raised in the last chapter.

But all wasn't bad in the second half. The revelations as to what Ryuuzan's past was and how brutal it was for him as he grew up was a nice read, particularly in regards to how he lost the ability to speak. It is a gritty story and very much worth a read if this is the type of story you like. It was especialy nice to read about the cruelty the other ponies had towards Ryuuzan and a legitimate assassination atempt in a story.

In summary, this was a good and interesting story with a fair number of well-done aspects. The major downsides being its brevity, the lack of several answers, and the rushed pacing in the latter half.

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*Bawwwks, Smiles and pawsigns*
My friend, thank you again, for the follow-up review. (And yes, sorry about the insistant pokings, you gave me permission in one of your earlier blogs btw to get your attention at any way possible. )

About the rush at the end of the story, I didn't realise it was, but I'm happy you did point it out. Were you happy about the ending? I do apologise there were many flaws, but like I said this was a very first story I did of any real length. I do have some idea of a sequel, but I don't have really any cohesive ideas to formulate into a story for now.

But if I do decide to do a part 2, i'd like your help , and I will be open to ideas you have for a better written story as well as better fleshing out the characters like Ryuuzan, Quill-Feather, Sahmek, and their dealings between the princesses, and the Gryphon kingdom.

(And I promise to keep the poking stick locked away.... ^~^)

Cheers,
Gryphon <><

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Don't be sorry. As I said, I need to be bugged to get shit done occasionally. As for the sequel, I'm almost always available to bounce ideas off of.