Title: Trapped!
Author: AusFlick
Amount read: All
Verdict: 5.5/10 (reject)

Okay, unlike every other review, imma dive straight in because I know how much you have wanted this review and I plan to truly deliver! (sorry about it being so late please don’t hate me ;-;). Your scene building is fantastic, you have a solid grasp over how to paint that picture, and showing and telling is fair as well. I can still see that struggle transitioning between show and tell a bit, but that will go away with practice and you work with flow a bit more.

This is moreso a recommendation rather than something that really affects the quality, but try to animate the dialogue a bit more. I’ve noticed your dialogue just stays very flat natured and practical.
"Hello?" Her voice was shaking,
"Leave me alone!" The only response she received was…

Whilst this is fine, don’t feel like you have to conform to standard language conventions in dialogue.

“Hu-hello?” Her voice was shaking,
“LEAVE ME ALONE!” The only response she received was…

This just gives the dialogue a bit more personality, it shows she is scared, or that she is desperate and loud.

I also feel as if the ending was a bit too vague. In horror, good horror, the monster is never revealed, or there is no explanation, or there is a feeling of omnipresence, that unknown and unstoppability create fear. It is supposed to be unresolved, which you have clearly done. Which is good, you have the right idea, but there is a fine line between being unknown and incomplete and scary, and being too vague. It makes it harder to feel that fear if you can’t really understand what type of fear you’re supposed to be feeling. What is happening to Twilight? What awful beast was attacking her? Be more explicit with some things and leave others a bit more ambiguous, and you’ll find that you’ll get a much stronger reaction.

I also felt like the room had that same problem with vagueness. I had trouble visualising it because it is referred to as a jail, but also as a square box, and without any sort of exit, but she can hear things inside. The rules of the world and the rules of the scene aren’t really laid out well, and I feel like you might need to work on truly visualising that mental picture. When I want to write something that requires a lot of description or complex thought, I experience it. Sure, I doubt you can go out and experience being trapped in a cement box. But try to really visualise it and work out what is practical, and saying “what would happen if? Does this work? Have I thought about all the senses? Is it practical for my characters to interact with it?”

Also, yes... I know this is petty, and not a common mistake at that either. But watch putting exclamation marks in the title, it almost symbolises a weak title. You're putting all the emotion into the punctuation and not the originality of the title. Also, exclamation points have a very... particular connotation that really doesn't fit the feel of your fic. It can work in some cases, but for a horror, it just comes off as bouncy and unnecessary. The last thing you want when it comes to horror is bounce. Be careful, but don't totally disregard the ! because there are times and places for it in titles.

Overall, I really did like this fic, you have good atmosphere and descriptors. You can paint a nice picture (granted you know what that picture is), and nothing that I have highlighted above can’t be fixed with just a bit of practice and awareness whilst writing. Unfortunately, I cannot accept it with what is said above. However, I definitely wait to read more from you because this was a nice piece, and I hope to see you post again!

-Milo

Thank you so much for this review, Milo. It was definitely worth the wait. I personally don't think this story was very good myself, and I wasn't expecting a rating any higher than 5 or 6. I felt like the story was really sub par, and I think this review really helped me pin point exactly why. I especially love the points you made about how you understood where I was coming from, and agree that making ambiguous was a wise move, but also pin pointed why it was too ambiguous, and went as far as detailing where I should've remained vague, and when I should've been more clear. Your issues with how I described to room are really helpful to. I'm planning on re-writing this story eventually, and I can't wait to take everything you've said in this review into account. Thank you for this short but informative and extremely helpful review.

6588837
Good review, Milo! The explanation on how exclamation can weaken a title, especially in the horror genre, was especially informative.

6589210

6588851
Hey thank you both! I'm so glad you both enjoyed reading it! This is what I absolutley love to hear and I sincerely am super honoured that you think it's worth taking on board. Goodluck with your future writing and I hope to see you more around the reviewers cafe.