A Death in the Family
Sad, Slice of Life, AU, Human*
Not much sad, but tears did well in my eyes when I read it. A little jerking of the heartstrings, if you will.
1,122 words--a oneshot
Grammar: 9.5/10
I did find an error, though it didn't take much away from the story.
Characterization: 10/10
Only character is the quiet, strong Big Mac who seems to respect all life, even if it's a tree. His words, few in number, do make you feel pity for the tree who gets taken down.
Use of show canon: N/A
Other than him working in the apple orchard, and being strong, not much falls for this category.
Plot consistency: 10/10
It's a oneshot true to its word and genre.
Use of OC's: N/A
Coherency: 10/10
Pretty simple to follow, with a jerking of heartstrings as a touch.
Extra things/ touchy topics: N/A

Final score: 95/100, in other words, it passed with flying colors. I'd recommend this to the members of this group.

**It should be noted that this story got a re-review by someone else, see comments below for further details.

3705643 oh mai!!! Thanks!

3705667

3705643
3705667
I'd have to wholeheartedly disagree with this decision.

Now, don't get me wrong, the idea of this is interesting, but this story does not fit this group's standards. Here's why I think that.

Let's start with the characterization, because I'll talk about the grammar later on.

The characterization...

Well the only line we get from this Big Macintosh is this:

“Forgive me brother, I swear your seeds will grow anew.”

This screams OOC to me. However, if Big Mac was trying to be a zen-like monk of farming, then I could say he's fitting the role to the T. Maybe you should specify the reason he speaks this way? Otherwise, I have to say he's OOC.

Use of show canon: N/A

Other than him working in the apple orchard, and being strong, not much falls for this category.

So then why include this in this review? Plus, this isn't even in canon: we don't see him taking out trees in the show. This is unseen canon: something that we just assume would happen because that is the life of the farmer on his or her apple orchard. Not to mention this is a humanized version with a sparkling alternate universe tag on it, so I don't think this category even applies to this piece.

Plot consistency: 10/10

It's a oneshot true to its word and genre.

That is not what plot consistency means. Plot Consistency means that the story makes sense because it adheres to a consistent harmonic medium that allows the story to travel along with ease. I don't think it fits this category due to the lack of understanding in majority of these sentences. Some are to the point, which I applaud you for. However, a lot of these sentences are awkwardly worded.

For example:

Turned, Mac was faced with the accusing eyes of the tribe that stood watching his act of murder. Swallowing the last of the fruit still held in his lips, he lifted his voice to whisper a soft apology for their mercy at the killing they had been forced to witness. Shoulders squaring, he was forced to turn and walk on, proceeding deeper into the field to continue his work, the ritual had been done forty times this day, and unless some of those he had picked out over the last week or two had recovered, he would need repeat it another forty more times before his day was done.

This slab of text is what I'm going to work with.

Here are my possible corrections, and I actually had a hard time even figuring out what to do fix, because the sentences were so awkward and horrifying that I had a hard time deciphering what needed to be replaced.

Turned, Mac was faced with turned to face the accusing eyes of the tribe that stood watchinged his act of murder. Swallowing the last of the fruit still held in his lips, he lifted his voice to whispered a soft apology for their mercy at the killing they had been forced to witness in hopes of recompense for the deed. Shoulders squaring, He was forced to turn and walk on, proceeding deeper into the field to continue his work,. The ritual had been done forty times this day already, and Unless some of those he had picked out over the last week or two had recovered, he would need repeat it another forty more times before his day was done. but Big Mac knew this wasn't the last one on the farm to tend to. No, he had several more to go...

...several more painstaking heartbreaks to go.

Let me explain the colors before you groan and moan.

Red: Error and needs to be changed.
Green: A suggestion.
Blue: Needs clarification.

Alright. Now, I'll give you my reasoning as to why I colored this text the way I did.

For starters, never ever start a sentence with a verb. That completely shatters the reasoning for a subject: the noun that the verb refers to. If you remember in the younger years where you learned subject and verb complements, about ninety-five percent of these sentences have the noun first, then the verb that follows. Unless you have an adjective, which turned isn't that, then that may be an exception to the rule. In this case, turned should not be placed in the beginning, but after the subject so it precedes it. This is why, as you very well see, I removed the phrase after the verb and mended it to fit proper syntax. Doesn't that read better already?

It should.

This next error baffled me. Unless trees move and land shifts, you don't need to pointlessly state that they stood there. Trees can't move. Don't add unnecessary words in there, please?

In addition, once you take out stood, you must also change watching to watched to compensate for the tenses. In this case, they watched him commit the deed, not watching him presently snap the tree into pieces.

Just when I thought there couldn't be more of this purple prosing, I see the next sentence.

I'm going to tell you right now that you don't need to purple prose every sentence. I'm guilty of it too, but not in this quantity. This is ridiculous. It's like you didn't reread what you wrote.

"Swallowing the last of the fruit still held in his lips..."

You just stated that he swallowed it. How could it be still in his grasp? I would like to know this man who can perform illogical eating habits! Tell me, where can I find him?

Fix that.

"He lifted his voice to..."

Okay, stop here and tell me how you can physically lift a voice. There is no weight to this abstract term. If you can take something abstract and lift it, then I applaud you for defying logic.

Now, I took both of those unnecessary purple prose phrases out so you can understand that sometimes, being to the point is needed. You don't need so many of these words, you'll lose readers like me right off the bat. To compensate for the word loss, I added an -ed to the end of whisper. This was also to fit the past tense that is conveyed throughout this piece.

Alright, now we get to the green text. This detail doesn't really seem necessary at first, but that is because of the wording you chose for this sentence. This highlighted portion was so off-putting and confusing that my brain had trouble wrapping itself around the idea you were trying to convey. You were saying that he was sorry for the deed and the apology was the only thing he could offer. In that case, what I have suggested would make more sense and would be shorter and to the point. You don't need to try and run away from being to the point.

Now, the next error is like what you did at the start of this slab. Never start with a verb.

To compensate for this, I changed the capitalization of the word 'he' from lowercase to uppercase because he is the subject of the sentence. Pretty simple reasoning.

Now we arrive at our first blue mark. I couldn't understand this because of the sentence previous. You state that the trees are forced to watch, henceforth Big Macintosh is free to do what he wants. He has the will and the reasoning to be able to move. He could stop this at anytime, but it is his work and he is called to do it. This is not some religious principle I'm throwing at you. No, this is me using my reasoning to show you how I thought of this.

If I were to correct this, I would remove the word entirely, because it has no real meaning. It would conflict with the logic I have and no word would be able to replace it without making the sentence all clunking and whatnot. Instead, I would have to change the whole organization of this sentence by removing the linking verb entirely. It could possibly read:

He diverted his attention to the job at hand, proceeding to walk [insert rest of line here].

This is a possibility. I know I'm not one hundred percent of the time right, but I know that this sentence that you have here needs some work. This is what I just conjured up and it's definitely a better alternative to what you have now.

Now, the red marks in this last section are there to fit the suggestion. I thought it would be wise to end it at that point because it's communicating the idea in a correct manner. Plus, you do not need to have and there due to the fact you had unless directly after it. Do not do this.

This last line is the kicker. I thought this closing line did not fit the necessary requirement as an appropriate closer to this fiction. If you gave this to me in a proofreading session, I would've told you that you left me in the parking lot with my pants pulled down. I didn't get any emotion for it and it left me with nothing. Not the good kind of nothing either. In retaliation, I put my two sense in and added this emotional stylistic way of writing. It shows that Big Macintosh is really regretting what he has done, and he wishes he didn't have to do it. However, he continues because he needs to do it. That is what you were going for, correct?

In this case, the ending shows his heart breaking. It might be a bit extreme, that is why I suggested this portion. If you have a more classier and equivalent to what you were trying to convey, go for it. This is just me thinking about it.

As you can see, this is the last paragraph (except the small first sentence) corrected from my knowledge of the English language. This happened throughout the whole fic, not just this portion. There isn't just one error, there are multiple errors scattered throughout this fan fiction. Don't get me wrong, this isn't a horrible fiction, because I can tell you at least created something original and different for the viewing audience, but your execution was downright poor.

Purple prose is not something you can just throw random adjectives at and hope for the best. No, you need to practice this. I suggest you do multiple drafts of this and show it to a couple of friends. I am currently doing that with my story and I know it works well. They're way more experienced writers than I and it helps me in improving my writing for this project. I hope you do the same with this fiction, because it needs it.

3706081 I see.

3706124 I would revise the review, but that would compromise a lot of things.
3706081 Hey, did you apply as a reviewer? I feel like we need you.

3706124 You need someone completely different to review this fiction. One that is not friends with the author. This is why you shouldn't have reviewers adding their own fics to the group. It makes the reviewer look like he or she is giving leeway to them because they own the group. I don't think you want people assuming that, would you?

3706144 No, I didn't apply because I didn't want to have my stories be accepted on the basis that I am a reviewer for the group and vice versa. Plus, I have been added to a different review group that needs the help because they're drowning in millions of words.

It's hard to keep afloat with that many words, I tell you.

3706164 But you constructed a damn good review!

3706172 I would say it could be both, but I'm not going to judge. I simply thought of the others who would see this review, take a gander at the piece, and then storm back here to assume the same thing I did. I think it would be better if someone who is not affiliated with the author in any way, shape, or form other than being a reviewer for this group would come in and review it. It would bring about more credibility and fairness to the review.

3705643

Final score: 95/100

Something isn't right here. Somepony forgot to check his math. But yeah, this story needs a different reviewer. I may get around to this myself later.

3706302 Okay.

3706345 Well, here's my re-review of the story.

Grammar: 6/10
Nothing was particularly bad, but a lot of awkward phrasing made it difficult to follow.

Characterization: 5.5/10
The story was centered around Big Mac, but it felt oddly out of character with him. Also, despite introducing hidden depths in Big Mac, the story could have been significantly more introspective.

Use of Canon: N/A

Plot Consistency: 9/10
The story stays to the point, but it's often difficult to tell what's going on in Big Mac's head.

Coherence: 5/10
Big Mac cuts down a tree. The details are vaguely explained, but it leaves the reader with more questions than answers.

Other: 4/10
Sad: 1/3
The reader never gets close enough to Big Mac to sympathize with him.
Slice of Life: 3/3
This tag actually fits the story. If it weren't for the attempted sadness, this would be a decent look at Big Mac's farm life.
Alternate Universe: 0/2
This tag is wholly unneccessary.
Human: 0/2
Other than a few offhand mentions of his physique, it's unneccessary to the story. Could have been just as easily written in pony form.

Total: 29.5/50. 59% Rejected

Notes: Overall, the story has a good concept but was ruined by a lack of characterization and bad execution. Quite honestly, I think that if this story is edited and expanded, this could make for an engaging story.

3706444 I think I need to make another folder titled "stories with more than one review." Yay, or nay?

3706444 Given this, looks like the thread needs a new title.

3706467 Umm... I'm not sure. This is probably going to be that one instance where there was a massive discrepancy between the reviews, if not the only time. Of course, we do now have the issue of having a story that simultaneously passed with flying colors and was more than marginally rejected. It's your call. My recommendation is bring it up with the other admins, decide on one as official, then mark the other one as invalid. (don't delete either, they both contain good information on the story.)

3706512 Ah, alright. That I shall do.

3706444 Now I'm giving this a thumbs up. A lot better review than the one previous. I would've been not as generous as you were with Plot Consistency (5/10) and Grammar (4.5/10), but whatever. It still establishes that the story didn't fit the standards of this group.

3706524 I think with all this, it may be good to consider a couple of things for future reviews.

One: Perhaps future reviews should be done by no more than three reviewers. Have two people review a story and if both pass it, it passes. If they both fail it, it fails. If one passes it but one fails it, enter a third and final reviewer. Deciding is by majority.

Two: Consider allowing reviewers to review stories that have either passed or failed and reevaluate it for a differing opinion if they so desire. If the new reviewer has a different opinion, post a new review thread and seek a third reviewer for a final decision.

These are just suggestions I have that may result in greater quality of stories and may avoid this kind of situation in the future. I would say go with one or the other but not both if you choose to run with either suggestion.

3706598 Alright. Well will enforce the second rule, considering it was what happened here. The first suggestion will only be enforced if nobody can properly decide what happens to a story in this group.

3706606 May want to take it up with the other admins and see what they think. Might be good.

3706616 Alright, but I put both your suggestions in the group rules, under rule four I think. But the first suggestion is only to be used as a drastic measure, when nobody can agree on a fic.

3706631 That sounds good to me.

3706636 It does to me too.

3706081 ver well detailed criticism and analysis! I will consider it all when I have more time but atm just getting ready for work. The one niggling one I'd like to ask you about right away and it's more a factor of intent that makes me ask!

I said Mac is forced to walk on past the watching orchard. I mean that he doesn't have the power to flee from the "eyes" of the watching trees and has to walk past them, since he can't fly or teleport away. Now the misunderstanding is due to my own rush to post but I'd ask if you could suggest what I might do in the future to better handle this kind of a situation?

Thanks in advance for your time and this fantastically informative insight into what I did right and wrong!

3706712 In this case, if you were to show that the trees were the outside source that forced him to flee, I'd say it would be more so this:

Big Macintosh diverted his gaze from the trees, their haunting silence and knowingly stares penetrating the fabric of his mind. He turns to leave quickly, dodging the multitudes as he returns to his job. He does not need anymore of this unwanted stress, the job is already sickening as it is.

Describe it how I do. What does forced mean to you? Then translate it into the character's mind. How would Big Macintosh respond to this? What does his connotative meaning of the word give rise to? What will his real focus be on?

Writing is really a bunch of questions. You ask them to yourself a lot. This is one way of avoiding confrontations in your writing.

Another way is by thinking a story as a function. Here is a template that I go by sometimes.

In order for X variable (the character) to find Y variable (the conflict/the purpose), then he must obtain or find Z variable (the person, place, or thing) that triggers the Y variable.

Just a simple way to build a concept.

Hope this helps!

3706444 thanks for the reevaluation! I'll state the only defense I can offer is that its written as an AU Humanized story because it is related to my main story. Otherwise I get your point on why it could easly be removed from my series cannon and rewritten in universe.

Otherwise thanks for your time and I'll try to look harder at these issues.

If anything this is proof that I need to never publish anything without a editor revieing it. I took a week and let it sit figuring I would be able to see its flaws better in the light of new eyes.

3706743 thanks! When I have free time at work I'll consider this all further. Glad to have such positive and informative assistance!

3706467 I should've responded to this earlier, but it should be just denied flat out so you don't have to go through the trouble of actually putting more stories that have this sort of situation into fruition. Instead, it's either denied or accepted. As you can see a reviewer and a non-reviewer both agree that this story is not up to par with standards.

I would say to deny it outright, but there needs to be one more reviewer who says that this fiction is not up to par.

3707197 Yeah.

3707197
3707213 or just alter the heading to rejected pending future edits and maybe someone will answer my looking for editors thread. Put in a request with a friend but nfc if he will be intrested in the job.

I'll try and do a fourth run through after working on your edits when I get home.

3707271 Ok.

3706444 I like this story, but I agree more with this review than the first.

3707197 Did a first wave of edits thanks to your notes. Made a few small changes to a couple of parts that you'd already made suggestions for to [hopefully] better fit my train of thought, hopefully I can get the rest up to pair with this after your fantastic help.

Oh and I really liked your suggestion for the ending.

Now reads:

His ritual of death and rebirth was at last done. Mac turned to face the accusing eyes of the tribe that watched his act of murder. It took effort, but he at last manged to swallow the final chunk of fruit, he whispered in hopes of recompense for the deed. Big Macintosh diverted his gaze from the trees, their haunting silence and knowingly stares penetrating the fabric of his mind. He turns to leave quickly, dodging the multitudes as he returns to his job. He does not need anymore of this unwanted stress, the job is already sickening as it is. The ritual had been completed forty times already, but Big Mac knew this wasn't the last one on the farm to tend to. No, he had several more to go...

...several more painstaking heartbreaks ahead.

3705643
3706444
3707412
3707197

Thanks to some massive rewrites due to GDQuirm I would like to ask anyone with hte free time to look over the story again and let me know if you think I should request a new review. No big rush but it would be a pleasure to get some feedback. New version can be found here!