Heart of Gold - Dreams of Ponies

Summary:
Rarity must make the ultimate sacrifice for her sister.

Grammar:
It is generally very good, but there are a few rather exotic mistakes. I am half-sure that the words "obscured" and "begrudge" were not used right, and word "grit" was definitely not past tense-d correctly. A few sentence constructions are wonky, times are not perfectly aligned, there's a mix up between "bell" and "belle" which was weird, given that Sweetie Belle was mentioned in the same sentence, commas are omitted where they shouldn't be optional and there are emdashes not separated by spaces etc.

17/20. Better than most but not perfect.

Style:
This, as much as it is relevant to an actually excellent fic, is the weakest point here. There are sentences that are wonky, tangled, and I felt even at times abrasive. Consider:

"She'll... look beautiful."

where the pause adds nothing and makes me very confused regarding the intended emotion.

Blue sapphires were woven into a beautiful swirling mix of mulberry and light gray, every hoof-stitch perfectly connecting to create a true rarity.

with inconsistent times and "a true rarity" being a touch on the nose for my taste

The normally active Ponyville now sat silent, like a respectful foal before its teacher

need only to look around if you reassurance of that fact.

Rarity giving her a gentle, affectionate nuzzle

which is my personal pet peeve, and many many more, at least one per paragraph.

16/30It's still readable, it still conveys the emotion, but it desperately needs some editorial TLC.

Plot
In as much as there is plot in a rather straightforward 2700 fic, this one is actually pretty good. The premise is nice, the character interactions are emotional, genuine and in character if perhaps a touch cliche.
My personal beef here is the implication of pony belief in some sort of afterlife, which is just my preference, and, more to the point, I think the fic kinda does Rarity-is-Sweetie-Belle-s-Mother schtick the fandom is very fond of. Sweetie still has parents, who still can (and one assumes do) care and provide for her, so for Rarity to entirely forget to even mention her (presumably aging and presumably no longer working) parents in the will seems somewhat strange. Just as strange is the absence of Sweetie's parents or her friends from the scene, by the way, but that can at least be handwaved a bit.

30/40 It's short, it's bittersweet, it's to the point, but I think it sacrifices a bit too much to get to the said point quicker and ponty-er

Personal preference.
This is not the sort of reading I usually enjoy, but this was pretty good. It sets them up well and knocks them down right on schedule. Well done.
7/10

Total Tally
It's not original, nor is it the Next Great American Novel. It's a good, classic fic, done well, but not to perfection.
70/100.

BatwingCandlewaxxe

Group Contributor