Hi! I'm currently proofreading for a manga, wouldn'tcha know, but he hasn't given me anything to do for the last week. So, I'll do one of these instead for a change!

The Flaming Trash Bag by Raptormon132

First Impressions

Lock Down, a member of the prison class royal guards tell the story of an incident that happened to him in his childhood to a prisoner to try and cheer him up.

'Tells the story of an incident'. Grammar mistakes in the synopsis aren't a great start.
When it comes to tags, looking at the story length, it looks a bit overoptimistic: Comedy, SoL, Drama. For 4k words? I'll be watching it like a hawk.

My main impression from it is that it very much looks, as it tells us, that it is a 'side story'. Now, that doesn't stop it from being a story by itself, not by a long shot, but expectations aren't as high as a standalone. There might be a lot of things being referred that I wouldn't understand, for example. Let's get into it.

My name is Lock Down. I was chosen by Rehab, the new warden of Hoofstrong Prison Center, and a dear friend of mine, to watch a prisoner named Abacus Sum. He was sent to Canterlot for his retrial at Equestria supreme court. Abacus was one of many victims to fall prey to the bloodthirsty, corruption, conspiracy syndicate operating between Hoofstrong Prison Center, and the Canterlot investigation force, who was convicted for a crime he did not commit. I stood around close to the prison wagon, waiting with that same hope. He was taken inside by two other guards into Equestria supreme courthouse for his retrial that started at 8:00 am. The hours ticked by, and I glanced at the nearby clock tower to I find out it was now 3:45 pm. Though I remembered that sometimes it can seem like time flies while you are on the job, to me, it felt like an eternity. Throughout that time, I was wondering how Abacus's retrial was going, but I also wondered if my heartfelt apology to him for shocking him went well, and hoped that I would be a friend to him after forming a bond with him. It was like a great weight was lifted off my back from doing that. I believed that Abacus needed friends for what he went through, and I kind of liked that guy.

Oh god, book formatting!

Generally, in books we do reaaaally long paragraphs like this. On the internet, we split 'em up into smaller paragraphs, like i'm doing now. Please remember this in future! Blocks are harder to read over here, and you keep to this format for the whole story. Good that you're consistent, but I'd say it needs to be changed.

Also, this kind of seems like a 'prelude' to the story, with a bit of exposition that we don't really need to enjoy the story. I'll forget it existed and carry on where the action starts.

Which, thankfully, is the next paragraph. What I get from it is that there's some guard-blokey, he's telling a prisoner that he's going to be released, prisoner is really sad about it. Not too much detail into why he's sad, but there is an indication as to why (which I'm going to assume is straight truth. Would be nice if it was a bit more mysterious, so it had a bit more depth).

Now, from my understanding, that was the 'drama' of the story. I'd put it more under SoL, seeing as drama is a right and proper fuss about something or other, with some real depth and description as to why there's such a damn fuss. This seems to be a situation that has already ended, more or less. Could do with some rehab, maybe.

Eventually guard-blokey tells a story, and it's the namesake of the piece. I won't go into detail, 'cuz I don't think I need to, but... I think it's meant to be the comedy?

The problem is, that the comedy, while funny to the characters, is not funny to the reader. It's a pretty normal case of Character does X to another character, then the other character does X back to him. It could be funny, I bet, but the way it's written makes it seem like a joke that doesn't apply to the reader.

Let me give a better example. Y'know when your friend says 'Oh my god something really funny happened' and then he tells it to you, and because he told it to you instead of it actually happening, it isn't as funny/isn't funny at all? That's kind of what happens here.

Conclusion

I know it seems a bit quick do end it here, but that last sentence really points out my main qualm with the story, as well as another one, too.

If you want to get the reader interested in this comedy story you're telling... why not just take it from the story's point of view, rather than the dude who's saying it?

This is a side story, after all. You could easily put in the synopsis that "this is a story that was told by Guard-blokey to the prisoner, in order to cheer him up', tag it as comedy, and then go in detail with this Trash-bag-story. Because, while I discredited the comedy from the perspective we were given, if we were given a bit more context, detail, maybe some thoughts and feelings and a bit more setup, we could actually find this story pretty funny.

Because of that, I'd say the story 'needs improvement' if it wanted to be a comedy piece. Change it around a bit, switch some perspectives.

If you want to tag it as 'SoL' and leave it there... yeah, you could do that. SoL doesn't need to be funny, and it would fit in pretty well here. It just wouldn't be very compelling, since nothing is really happening.

Those are my thoughts + views about the story, and you are very much allowed to have your own in the comments below! If there's something I've missed, please bring attention to it.

6007957

This is a sequel/side story to one of his that I reviewed here a few months back: [Blunt Review] A Pop Star, a Princess, and a Prisoner by Raptormon132 .

I also did a much longer, in-depth Rage Review of it more recently.

Suffice to say that it had a lot of problems. The side story is not any funnier in that context, nor does it make any more sense.

6008107
Hmm. In which case I'd be inclined to persuade the author to stay away from comedy, maybe. It's a hard genre to fill, for sure.

6008222

And judging by the main story, drama as well. The title of this story is appropriate, considering what a dumpster fire the original story was.

6008107
6008246
I should let you know that I have recently done quite a number of changes to that story since then. When looking at the rage review you did to it multiple times, I did find some things I needed to change, and I recently made them. Here are the blogs I've posted.
1. A Pop Star, a Princess, and a Prisoner Changes.
2. A Pop Star, a Princess, and a Prisoner Changes Are Complete. (note: this blog lists a few of the things I added and changed to make the story better, even just a little)

So it shouldn't be so much of (as quoted by you) a dumpster fire.
If you have any questions on other changes I put in that I didn't list, just ask.