The Great Dictator: Times of Swift Rise by Time Reaper
Alternate Universe Dark Human Tragedy
72,062 words total

Quick Note: This is going to be very short, as there were just too many problems with the story that made it nearly unreadable for me.

Technical: 10/20 - The technical aspects — spelling, grammar, punctuation, consistency, tags.

The author is not a native English speaker, and it shows. Even making allowances for that, grammar is very clumsy, with numerous punctuation and formatting errors, and incorrect word choices. Sentences are choppy, and badly structured. Overall, this was very difficult to read. Spelling appears to be good overall, aside from the word use issues noted. Tags are fine, the author definitely did these correctly from what I can tell, although I didn't get far enough along to say for sure.

Canon Characterization: 5/20 - Handling of canon main and secondary characters, and alternate character interpretations.

Characters are overly simplistic in their portrayal, making judging characterization very difficult. They seem sort of in character, but it's difficult to say with what little I was able to get through. Dialog was sparse and seemed almost childishly simple at times.

Other Characterization: 5/20 - Handling of OCs, canon background characters, and crossover characters.

Portrayal of OCs, like canon characters are flat, and again overly simplistic, there isn't really much there to judge. Nothing that made me interested in them.

World: 5/20 - Handling of show canon or alternate universe worldbuilding.

Worldbuilding is, again, overly simplistic, and done in the form of massive infodumps that I was unable to get through due to the previously mentioned grammatical issues.

Story: 10/20 - Concept, coherence, internal consistency, story structure, pacing, flow.

To be honest, I was only able to skim through the first two chapters due to the numerous flaws. Both of the chapters I did look at consisted primarily of huge infodumps with very little actual dialog, almost like I was reading a school textbook. There wasn't really anything there that grabbed my attention. Much of what was dumped would have been better off being shown via character interactions. Further, the dialog was, as noted, overly simplistic, and did very little to tell me anything about the characters' personalities or motivations.

What little I could get of the story behind the clumsiness seemed sound, but it was really difficult to tell for sure.

Total Score: 35/100 for a score of 35%

Conclusion - Final thoughts and recommendations.

There's a potentially good germ of an idea here; but I just couldn't get at it. The author needs to get better about showing what is going on through character action and interaction, and limit the use of exposition and narration a lot more. Character dialog needs to be more natural, I would recommend spending more time watching the show to get the feel for the personalities of the canon characters and how they talk. I'd also strongly recommend the author spend more time studying basic English grammar and vocabulary; or write in their native language and get help with the translation.

5790098 Yeah, language barriers are annoying.
Kinda sucks in this line of group, but, when you submit work, you have to understand that the people reading are reading in English, and therefore bad grammar will be taken just as that.
Although, it shouldn't need to be said, but props for the guy learning a new language, and being confident enough to demonstrate it with a fic. Always nice to see FimFic being used as a learning environment.

5790145

Yeah, that's why I try not to be too hard on non-native English speakers, and give them some leeway. I'm marking down much harder for the massive infodumps and poor characterizations, which are bad writing in any language.

5790098

Thank you very much for your review on my story. It really shows how much can the first chapters affect your whole story.

I had originally planned to just make a spell editing on the story, but apparently I'll need to make a full blown edition if I want it to improve because if the prologue and first chapter are so horrible, then I must get rid of them.

5790145

Oh, I've been writing for a while and the prologue have been edited 4 times at least but if its so flat (along the first chapter) then I must get rid of the flaws if I want more people to read the whole thing. I'll do it after editing my second story.