REC [O]

Rinnaul

Revewers Tags: Dark

Not long after her release back into the general population of Ponyville, Screw Loose vanishes without a trace. During a search of her home one week after she was last seen, a video recording of her apparent final hours is found. A video explaining that she was being hunted by creatures which evaded sight. A video intended as a warning.

Well, now that health is back to par, I can get on with my favorite job! What a treat it is too, for today I get to read and review a story that I have been looking forward to for quite some time!

I saw this story about a month ago in the folders and looked over it and was pleasantly surprised to find out I wanted to read this story above all the others. Now, according to the rule I had made though, I had to go through the other stories first. A rule I expect all commentators to follow, and as will be mentioned in the future, will be enforced more heavily.

Now my original thoughts on this story was to the fact of…. Paranormal Activity? LAME! But now, upon reading the description, I found that the story was a little more than what was brought with first impressions, so without further ado! I shall read.

Mr. Flare’s Review

Though this story was short, the presentation was still done well. Was it perfect? Most likely not, since I felt it was lacking in some parts in which I will cover.

The point of view was rather tricky to place in this one.... I'll let you read it and tell me. I say this because the story was done well enough, and is complex enough that the POV is harder to determine. This in many ways is a good thing, and reading this story you will find many tips to help yourself improve as a writer.

The overall style of the story was located in a simple recording of a video camera, an Idea that has all to well been explored; but not like this because of the fine lines between madness and recollection. As we read through the dialogue and the actions we are blessed with a sense of discomfort; not enough to drive us batty, but just the right amount to drive us to look behind us as we read. At least I did, but I use my imagination when I read to give myself the extra experience.

What I liked was how the factor of the presented material was not over bearing but displayed in a simple manor. I just wish there was a little bit more with the prerec to the core of the story.

The flow it self was quick and shared what needed to be shared. While reading this story I found little to complain about, yet was sad when I was finished wanting more; yes I want more dark. Now, even as the story was quick and fast, you will find that the story was not rushed, but ran its course in a consistent pace. I felt like the writer chose what he wanted to do, then wrote it. Upon finishing, he did not collapse from exhaustion but did a small jog to cool down.

Let me share the mood that was most likely intended according to what was written. When reading this story, I felt unease; not to the point that I can't sleep, but to the point where you think about horrors before you go to bed. Giving you a nice calm nightmare that just festers through the night. An event that does not wake you in cold sweat, but keeps you asleep due to the subtle array of adventure and greatness.

What I received was the fading light at the end of the tunnel. I ran to it but still it got farther away, causing me to look for alternative routes with no hope. Not enough to give a feeling of seat edging numbness, yet I could thing on what the monsters could be. This is a nice type of dark because it screams in the background unnoticed unless you are looking for it.

What I like about Dark stories is the range you can receive, and death does not always need to be involved. To use death as a definition in a dark story is to kill you imaginative potential. This story gives you the uncertainty without confirming death, and the requirement in a dark story is in fact uncertainty.

First, let me point this out.

“It’s been a week I’ve been trapped here. A week since I’ve seen the sun, or talked to anypony, or slept, or...”

This sentence felt a bit rough. Like we are missing the word 'since' (Use a thesaurus to bring variety to the vocabulary)

Other then that, I found nothing ells. So I give Grammar an -A

SALT:
There were some things that I wished was clarified in the story. Like a little more to the scene of display as the recordings jump from sequence to sequence. I just felt that allot of potential was lost with that, maybe just two more sentences could to helped bring in the greatness that could of prevailed there.

As for actual writing tips.... I am not sure I found anything I could help you on. Being that you know more of what you are doing then what I do. If I do find something later down the road though, I won't hesitate to help and mention.

SUGAR:
Despite the fact that this story could of gone down the traditional road of slender; it did not even go to the way. A warning, and yet lost to the simple factor of the victims past. That was a neat application, using reason to wipe clean any concern, even though the concern was real.

I also loved the fact that you did not include the description of the monsters, for this helps bring in the mystery of the story together. This was also the leading cause to the received mood, keeping out the detail; giving the reader the need to rationalize that this was all fiction, and not real. Yet the question still remains, could of it been real? Am I being hunted?

Rating

Giving this rating because the story is a highly enjoyable story, and is quick to read. Worth every word, and the reader will not feel like their time was wasted. Though the concept was not new, the presentation and application was original. This warrants merit.

2907949
Avoiding a description of the monsters is actually why I didn't do anything with the gaps in the recording. This is a reworking of a story done by electreXcessive and Flint Sparks. In the original version, Screw Loose was speaking directly to the reader, not her camera, and those gaps are the times when she saw the monsters. Because I was having the reader watch the film, I couldn't get away with calling them "indescribable", so I had to skip those parts. I rewrote those sections four or five times trying to include the creatures before I gave up and went with what became the final version.

And the missing word in that sentence would have been "It’s been a week that I’ve been trapped here", but Screwy is exhausted and half-mad, so her speech is getting sloppy.

Regardless, awesome review.

2908109
You are the writer, so awesome story.

2908138
As a bit of a side note, for future reference, the POV is called third person objective or the "fly on the wall". It's sort of the middle view between limited and omniscience, where it sees all the action like omniscience but doesn't reveal all the thoughts (or any, to be frank) like limited does. It's like watching, well, a movie.