Ten years ago Applejack disappeared without a trace. Now Fluttershy must find out why, but will that be possible when she's thrown together with a pierced, tattooed, reality-bending draconequus who's just recently escaped being trapped in stone?

With a title and plot inspired by The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, I feel compelled to say that I have not read the book, but since the author states in their note at the end of the Prologue that they aren't necessarily a fan of the book either, I'd say we're on even ground. The weird thing about that little factoid is that--by intent or by coincidence--my biggest problem with this story is the same that I've heard about the actual book: the beginning is boring.

Our group here has a ten thousand word minimum before writing up a review, and I was ready to tap out until the very end of that minimum. Nothing happens in the first four chapters. Stuff has happened. Applejack's disappearance, her friends' search for a year, Fluttershy losing favor in Ponyville, that's where the story opens. Granny Smith offers Fluttershy lodging for the winter in exchange for taking one more crack at solving Applejack's case by focusing on the extended Apple family. She suspects Applejack was murdered and wants to find the killer.

But then the story skips ahead, after Fluttershy has already started investigating. There's a plot point about her drinking a potion to disguise herself as an Apple, and we don't get to see her play at that character at all. We don't get to see her gather information, or wonder what secrets lie behind her "family's" smiles. She just suddenly... has family records to read through.

Which gives me something else to pick at. What good are the records? And what are they records of? How is Fluttershy expecting to find a killer with a list of Apple birthdays and the like? That seems to be what she has. Discord organizes the information later in the story, and they don't seem to have much other than names and addresses. Nothing to figure out a motive or even where a particular Apple was ten years ago.

Even Discord's side of things brought a mixed bag at first. The story is marked AU as Discord has yet to break out of his prison at the start (which is something shown to the reader, thankfully), so Fluttershy has no idea who or what he is when he decides to crash with her. It sounds interesting, but he just so happens to be in the middle of turning the remaining Mane 6 into their chaotic selves (which is not shown to the reader, again). The story even makes a reference to how his forcibly turning Fluttershy by touching her would be cheating, and borrows the idea from season 3 of Discord spinning a building.

To summarize: after the first four chapters we have a protagonist that begins her quest off-page by gathering information of questionable value while not giving her or the reader any kind of clue or insight into the characters suspected of the crime--which predictably leaves both her and reader with nowhere to go concerning the case immediately afterwards--and what is actually on the page has been ripped straight from the show we've all seen already with no difference other than the character responsible has a radically different look to him for no reason other than what the author later admits is to make the title of the story fit.

Three things then happen in rather short order that kept me going. The first was the revelation that Discord's dragon tattoo is actually alive. Or as alive as a bunch of ink can be when connected to the Spirit of Chaos. I loved this idea. I had hopes that the dragon might act as Discord's conscience somehow, and while that hasn't exactly played out, I still got a kick out of the dynamic, such as the tattoo rolling its eyes behind Discord's back after he makes a sarcastic crack at Fluttershy.

Second, Fluttershy and Discord's friendship got a really good jump start. Rather that her acting like a doormat for half an hour, the life-or-death drama in the ice cave was well done. Fluttershy really stuck her neck out for his sake, and Discord's pride was a good motivation for him stick around and get out of this foolish pony's debt. I also thought it was clever how Discord couldn't warm Fluttershy back up until he admitted she was right, breaking the chill on her with some small measure of harmony. It was a good first step for him. Small, but notable.

Third, the murder investigation finally got started in earnest. Discord brought some surprisingly organized logic into play, looking for a motive and starting to investigate what Applejack was doing before she disappeared. The story has struck a good balance ever since between the Fluttercord (yes, the Romance tag is there too) and the mystery solving. At the halfway point, both sides are advancing at a nice pace. The two have a mutual respect quickly growing into care for one another, and the investigation is intensifying with another spate of unsolved incidents seemingly connected with Applejack.

I do have one last quibble that I couldn't quite fit in anywhere above. It's about Discord's corruption of the Mane 6. There's been absolutely no advancement of that whatsoever. Discord's done it. I think. That's what the story said at least, but nothing's come from it yet. To be fair, the story is set in the dead of winter so character interaction is mostly at a minimum, but this plot point hasn't even been mentioned again. Not even in Discord's inner monologue. Is Pinkie Pie spending the whole winter rocking back and forth in the corner saying, "They never liked me. I never liked them. I'll show them! I'll show them all!" or something? I can't help but think the author just forgot about it. That's what it feels like with no resolution or reference to it this much later in the story.

In conclusion, this story turned out to be a surprisingly pleasant read. The characters work well together, the writing is solid, and the plot did ultimately manage to pique my interest. I'm not sure I can give it a high recommendation since I was this close to giving up on it, but slow start be damned, there's enjoyment to be found here.

5665622
Thanks for the review. Really appreciate it.

With a title and plot inspired by The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, I feel compelled to say that I have not read the book,

Thanks for mentioning that. I'm always curious to know how much a reader may or may not know about the original story and how it affects their view of my "remake."

To summarize: after the first four chapters we have a protagonist that begins her quest off-page by gathering information of questionable value while not giving her or the reader any kind of clue or insight into the characters suspected of the crime--which predictably leaves both her and reader with nowhere to go concerning the case immediately afterwards--and what is actually on the page has been ripped straight from the show we've all seen already with no difference other than the character responsible has a radically different look to him for no reason other than what the author later admits is to make the title of the story fit.

*Chuckles and raises hands in surrender* Guilty as charged. Though out of curiosity, do you have any ideas for how I might have done the setup in those first chapters differently?

By the way, which chapter did you end on? Because if you read the 10,000 minimum, that should put you in about chapter 4 or 5, but judging from the review it sound's like you read a bit further than that.

I do have one last quibble that I couldn't quite fit in anywhere above. It's about Discord's corruption of the Mane 6. There's been absolutely no advancement of that whatsoever. Discord's done it. I think. That's what the story said at least, but nothing's come from it yet. To be fair, the story is set in the dead of winter so character interaction is mostly at a minimum, but this plot point hasn't even been mentioned again. Not even in Discord's inner monologue. Is Pinkie Pie spending the whole winter rocking back and forth in the corner saying, "They never liked me. I never liked them. I'll show them! I'll show them all!" or something? I can't help but think the author just forgot about it. That's what it feels like with no resolution or reference to it this much later in the story.

Again, I don't know how far along in the story you got before writing your review, but without giving too much away I can assure you I did not forget about the Mane 6 (Or maybe in this case 5?) corruption situation and it is addressed later on in the story.

5665833
I finished chapter 9 before writing this up. Good to know about the Mane 6.

As for the set up, what I really would have liked to have seen was Fluttershy meeting the extended Apples face to face. Maybe a chapter of that. Half a chapter at least with Discord having his turn later. I would have liked to have seen her asking Granny which family members in particular she might suspect after meeting with them, or seen her feeling resolve to figure things out while Granny Smith was having a coughing fit next to her as a reminder that she was getting ready to die. Instead that was told rather than shown with Fluttershy cooped up in her cabin already. It's almost like starting an adventure story and the hero already has the magic sword. It means more when we get to see him crawl through the dungeon to get it.

As for Discord's side... I can't rightly say you did it wrong since I don't know what you had in mind with the corruption angle. If nothing else, having Fluttershy off to meet the Apples might have let Discord get to the cabin first. Maybe set a trap to get a head start on ticking her off. But something fresher than what was seen in the show. You had some good imagination with him later on.

With a title and plot inspired by The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, I feel compelled to say that I have not read the book,

Thanks for mentioning that. I'm always curious to know how much a reader may or may not know about the original story and how it affects their view of my "remake."

Am I the only one that's seen the movie adaptations of that book and series? There are literally 3 versions of the first novel!

Nice to see this finally picked up, and that it (eventually) hooked you enough to read as far as you have. Hope that you enjoy the rest if you end up sticking it out all the way to the end.

5665833 Second opinion! I had also been reading this story with the intent to review it, but due to a mix up, Minds beat me to the punch. With that said, I'll keep mine brief because Minds has covered much of what I was thinking as well.

In short: Having read up to chapter fourteen (and intending to finish it), I can easily say that your story does a very good—if not great—job of grabbing and hooking your readers. The mystery behind the disappearance is what kept me reading chapter after chapter. The interactions with Discord and Fluttershy were enjoyable and felt organic for the most part. There was a time or two I questioned if either of the two would actually do that, but the enjoyment of watching them made me overlook it. The various plot twists—that I will admit I didn't come coming—only added to my desire to finish this story.

Things the story needs to improve: The story does suffer from pacing issues. By chapter seven, the plot really hasn't moved at all. There are four chapters dedicated to the chemistry between Fluttershy and Discord, and it really did slow the story down. That's not to say that they weren't enjoyable chapters but I did find myself asking when things were going to move along. The story also veers a bit on the telly side with your style of writing. There are many times where I felt that a fleshing out (extra dialogue, descriptive writing, or even a whole other scene) would have added to the enjoyment of the story. That said, you also have shown many times where telling is actually a good thing compared to more show. The prime example would be when you show Fluttershy explaining something to one person, but then tell when a third character arrives on scene. Showing Fluttershy tell this other character the same thing that she just finished explaining would have slowed the story down tremendously and likely would have tested the patience of your readers.

For showing how using 'telly' writing correctly, I commend you!

While the story has pacing issues, as well as being a smidge too tell, it is never-the-less a very enjoyable read. One I would recommend for AU readers. My rating would be...

Enjoyable!

5665936
Well, thanks again for the review and the tips.

Do you know if you'll finish the rest of the story past chapter 9? It's okay if you don't want to, I was just wondering.

5666233
Ooh, two reviews for the price of one. Sort of. Cool.

Thanks for mentioning the show vs. tell thing. I know the advice we writers get a lot is "show, don't tell," but there really needs to be a balance between the two. (Though considering you felt this story was a bit more tell then show, it's debatable exactly where that correct balance would be.)

Thanks for pointing out the pacing issues as well.

There are four chapters dedicated to the chemistry between Fluttershy and Discord, and it really did slow the story down.

*Laughs nervously* Yeah, I'm kind of a sucker for the Fluttercord relationship, and when given the opportunity to indulge I might have *cough* over-indulged.

After reading your and Minds Eye's reviews, I think part of the problem with this story is that while writing it, I was doing all the editing myself for most of the chapters, and what was clear to me as a writer wasn't always translating over onto the page. Now I have an editor (Nightwalker) working with me on my current story, which incidentally is the sequel to this one, and he helps catch a lot of weak spots in my writing.

Still, glad to hear you found the story enjoyable, and when you get a chance to finish it, please let me know what you thought of it as a whole, either in a comment or a PM, I'm not picky.

5669485

[(Though considering you felt this story was a bit more tell then show, it's debatable exactly where that correct balance would be.)

Speaking as someone who's involved with publishing... the answer is, it varies. You'll have to find the balance point every single time for every story and you'll still have unhappy folks. The best advice I've ever been given is to determine what scenes are most important to your story and show those.

5671557
Thanks for the advice. I'll be sure to keep that in mind.
Also cool to hear you're involved with publishing as that's where I'm hoping to get at some point. *Chuckles* Though with something other than MLP fanfiction.

5682137

It's fun. I read for both The Quarterday Review and The Fable Online. I also have a couple short stories and poems published.

Fanfic is a good starting ground. You can figure out how much work you're willing to do for your art.