"As Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from uneasy dreams he found himself transformed in his bed into a small orange equine with a penchant for athletic site inspection." Ever since Franz Kafka penned these memorable words in 1915 as the opening line of his celebrated The Metamorphosis, they have inflamed the imagination of Western audiences and fanfic writers alike. Here on FiMFiction we have story collections such as "Five Score Divided by Eight Then Multiplied by Two" and "The RandomHumansBecomingPoniesVerse" dealing with the exciting possibility of waking up as a member of a different species. Obviously, however, the experience would be soured if the destination body were not specifically Miss Harshwhinny. Because, let's face it, why would you actually want to be anyone or anything else?

So, let's say everything goes right and you wake up one morning as Miss Harshwhinny. What do you do?

Hard mode: Does not involve inspection or athletics.

> Quickly retrieve arms from safe.

Hmm, well. I admit I haven't given this much thought. I will get back with you though.

--A!Blue

Obviously, proceed to make the sexs with someone I love (namely my amazingly toned self). Psh, hard mode? As if.

1050223

Um, actually, with Ms. Harshwhinny that probably involves both athletics AND inspection.

1050225

Man, you don't even understand how to make be the sexs. You need to read this AGAIN.

1050228

Not that thread again. You do realize that there are not actually cloacas involved, don't you?

1050231

Obviously not! You need at least two ponies and some good strong rope before you can try those. Duh!

1050238

And I'm out.

1050231

There's a cloaca tree outside my house with a TON of fruit right now.

1050248

What!?

1050250

You know, they're kind of like bland little pale apricots.

1050252

OMG! That's loquats! That's barely even close-sounding! Cloacas are those huge noisy bugs that are all over the east coast right now. You know, they come out of the ground every seventeen years. Disgusting!

1050256
1050252
1050238

Wow. This group has really gone downhill.

P.S. You'd know exactly what a cloaca is if you'd ever been to Australia.

1050258
I'm Australian, and I know exactly what a cloaca is. My D&D group fought one once. My rogue picked it up off of a coatrack in the dungeon, and it wrapped around him and smothered him to death.

1050427
Serves you right. What were you thinking, letting your rogue examine "harmless" window dressing in a dungeon anyway? Everyone knows you send the fighter into obvious traps, because he's got twice as many HP.

If I woke up as Miss Harshwhinny I'd totally make sure I went to my gaming group's next AD&D session. When my GM told me that my magic-user with 18/00 Strength couldn't push that 2-ton statue in the way of the doors to keep the kobolds from coming in, that was SUCH bull puckey!! He said it would be like pushing a car with the parking brakes set and nobody could do that. Well, if I was Miss Harshwhinny, I could. I'd push his car and show them all.

1050440
What the hell, you had a mage with 18/00 STR? What was your dump stat?!

1050443
Intelligence, that's only a 16. I figure I can pick up some Ioun Stones to buff it by the time I need to cast 9th level spells.

1050446
Hang on. I'm a GM running a 1st Edition AD&D campaign, so I know something about what you're saying. I call shenanigans.

First, six rolls of 3d6 and your lowest statistic is a 16?! Second, only fighters get to roll for exceptional strength, so your strength would be 18 not 18/00. Third, the average car only weighs about 3000 pounds — two tons would be more like a midrange pickup truck. I know that because I had to look it up for an argument with one of my players.

1049678

I have to say that having woken up as Miss Harshwhinny every morning so far, waking up as Miss Harshwhinny on any particular given morning would not change matters significantly for me.

--Miss HarshwhinnAI

1050496
I don't appreciate your sanctimony. First, I had a friend of mine observing my dice rolls and he signed off on it, so it's totally legit. I signed off on his too. He was really unlucky — his lowest roll was a 14.

Second, I went over this with my GM and it's all in the 40-page backstory. Teflon Billy actually started life as a 0-level fighter at -500 XP, and at the age of 8, earned 25 Experience Points in the fighter class (he sewed his own wounds after his first practice at Fighter Academy). That meets the PHB definition of "engaged in adventuring", which qualifies him as a fighter for purposes of determining Exceptional Strength. His first level (and every subsequent level) was in magic-user and according to the errata a character's 0th level does not count against him for purposes of cross-class penalties.

Third, our GM specifically agreed that moving the statue was like pushing his car. He looked up the weights later but by then he'd already made the ruling.

1050510
> Teflon Billy

Wait.

Brian?

1050513

… B.A.?

1049678
I'd sleep.

1050258, 1050256, 1050252, 1050238
What are you guys even talking about? Cloaca is a big island in the Mediterranean, part of France. Napoleon was born there.

1050806
This only works as an answer if you amend it to "I'd go back to sleep." The terms of the thought experiment clearly dictate that you are awake. Sorry!

1050513, 1050515
Do you two know each other or something?

1049714
Seeing as you are Miss Harshwhinny for the purposes do the thought experiment, the usual "You've already got arms!" class of response cannot, alas, be applied. "You've already got forelegs" doesn't have the same ring to it.

1050506
Detail your morning routine anyway! I'm sure we would all be fascinated.

1050256 1050827
Cloaca's on the Mediterranean coast, yes, but it's further east than you're thinking. It gained its independence from Yugoslavia in 1991 and borders Serbia and Bosnia.

1050806 1050833
Question. Does going to sleep count as an athletic event for Miss Harshwhinny? She's got such a superlative competitive spirit that I can't imagine she wouldn't turn it into some sort of race.

1051439
I'd race Miss Harshwhinny to bed. If you know what I mean.

1051440
I do not know what you mean, please explain it to me.

1052201
To be honest, I don't have a clue. I posted that hoping someone would be smart enough to interpret it in a clever way and make me look witty.

That's twice now that plan's failed me. You guys suck.

1051440
1052201

It means both horizon and Ms. Harshwhinny are beings who enjoy raciness, racing, and frequently engage in races and other racy things - a.k.a. racists.

1055356
Wait, are you telling me that both "Fall Weather Friends" and "Sisterhooves Social" contain graphic depictions of racism?

1057611

Not only that, but I'm not sure how an episode as racy as "Fall Weather Friends" managed to swing a TV-Y rating. I for one found it impossible to avoid a frank discussion of race with my child after watching that episode - for example, the importance of not cheating in order to win one. These are sensitive issues.

1061714
I noticed that! How did they slip that past the censors? Oh and did you catch that Twilight "came in fifth" despite "never having run a race before"? What the hell are we watching?

1062053
a certain amount of physical abuse is also alleged

1061714, 1062064
So when Rainbow switches the sign around to make Applejack go the wrong way at the fork in the road, would you call that "poor race relations"?

1062064
"Beat them" in the race, you twit.

1062268
Oh, are you implying that there's some sort of "winning" race? That some race(r)s are "better" than others? I think you know who else, historically, trumpeted this "Master Race" philosophy.

1062067

Yes. And when Rainbow Dash and Applejack assumed that Twilight would not be able to successfully compete because she is an "egghead," that amounted to nothing less than "racial profiling."

1062702
This is getting worse and worse! Even in our beloved "Games Ponies Play" episode, Shining Armor is clearly teaching the ponies in the stadium how to be racist!

Has anyone except Oberon up there even tried to answer the OP's question?

1062064
Verbatim evidence of a race-motivated beating? I… I'm not sure I can watch this show any more.

1070218
No no. It's okay. See, this is part of the plot arc which forms the parable of the first two seasons. You have to watch it in its full context to truly appreciate it.

In the pre-Harshwhinny episodes, Equestria has degenerated into poor race relations (cf. 1062067) and even outright hostility, and is only saved by the arrival of an official who can define distinct locations for the races to congregate.

In other words, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic is an allegory for the Reconstruction era of the southern United States, and how their legacy of slavery had to go through a period of segregation before the wounds could fully heal, as expressed by the alicornication (and thus integration) of Season 4.

So, OP, if I woke up one morning as Miss Harshwhinny? I would honor the promise of Brownhooves v. Board of Education and mobilize the Royal Guard to protect Canterlot University's first federally-mandated earth pony students. It's only right. It's only fair.

1070247
Are you serious? Your unwelcomed, unwanted, unwarranted and force-induced intrusion upon the campus of Canterlot University would offer a frightful example of the oppression of the rights, privileges and sovereignty of Canterlot City by officers of the Princesspality. While some few would applaud these acts, millions of Equestrians will gaze in sorrow upon the situation existing at this great institution of learning.

Also, IT'S A UNIVERSITY OF MAGIC, YOU MORON. EARTH PONIES DON'T HAVE HORNS.

1070261
People like you are exactly why the Royal Guard would be necessary.