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After an incredibly long delay, Fallout Equestria: Stable Scout Chapter Eight - Protect and Serve - is gold! Go enjoy it!
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Security, "Why not both? Why can't it be both?" Honestly? That was simply a joke reference/showing Firefly squeeing over Blackjack.
Combat in the earlier chapters... leaves something to be desired, I will admit, but much has been learned in the almost a year since I wrote them.
A complete revision of chapter 1 will be going live in the next few days, so stick around, folks!
Chapter 01 and chapter 02's revision is live! Go enjoy, because chapter 01 is considerably better now.
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these are some wonderful crits!
"That is just cruel to think, Firefly. If you keep making sociopathic remarks like that, the reader might think you are a robot."
Firefly is super pissed about her parents. Rational thinking gets shifted to the side when she's forced to think about either of them. This will come up in the next chapter.
"Whoa, whoa. You mean the previous head of security never even noticed that two officers were pregnant as they went on a wasteland expedition? That is insane! How bad was the management during that time that they failed this spot check?"
It was noted in their profiles, but not seen as an issue. They expected to be back in a few weeks, perhaps, and they were the best the Stable had to offer. Desperate times call for desperate measures and all that. That said, you're right - Stable 30's Security is not as competent as they initially appeared to be. That is by design.
"You have just stepped on an explosive strong enough to launch you backwards. Most certainly your condition is critical. With all due respect, ma'am, you should probably be reacting a little more and expressing more pain and shock."
As of that moment, Firefly is more interested in the fact she's not dead and intentionally ignoring the pain that she's feeling. Adrenaline is a great thing, isn't it? Perhaps I should say, "that's a great excuse"?
"I love alliteration."
That makes two of us.
"I am really taking an interest in this sense of separation in the stable. Security and the other managers of the stable definitely appear at odds, which could make for some lovely conflict of ideals!"
There will be a recurring theme of the divide between Security - ponies who have intentionally joined up with a group who's sole purpose is to throw themselves into combat again and again - and the rest of the Stable they're protecting.
"The change in perspective this time around definitely lent a lot more to the narrative than the one last chapter to Dashie's perspective. Pumpkin may not have much to distinguish her as a character, but the separation from Firefly's viewpoint allowed the reader to learn of valuable backstory and view the security team of Stable 30 in a different light. Mend the doctor was definitely a welcome addition as well to the narrative. He is someone who is willing to criticize Firefly and show that there are cracks in the situation she often sees as 'status quo.'"
I'm thrilled to see that the POV switches worked, because they're going to be frequent without (hopefully) becoming too much so. FOE:SS is not "Firefly's story", like the original story and many others, but "the story of those around Firefly". While Pumpkin may not have a great deal of characterization, in this chapter, that will change.
"Unfortunately, for all the great new developments in the story, there is a sizable number of scenes that feel too brief. The shower scene for Firefly; the reveal of Frosty's mother and the offers from Stable 30; Dashie's first breakout character moment. They all explore very interesting ideas from sexual frustration to personal relationships versus duty, yet the narrative only affords these scenes as many words as are necessary to advance to the next scene. Those ideas only get hinted at or quickly explained before the plot is moving along again."
So basically, I need to stop rushing scenes. That's definitely not a bad point. But soooo many things to get into a chapter, sooo many things. Yet rushing them undermines their impact...
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"Strange. You would usually see double-barrels used for shotgun traps. One barrel loaded to deny the survivors any ammunition. And the sacrifice of a semi shotgun perfectly suitable for urban combat."
That poor, poor old scattergun.
"These Crimson fellas must have stockpiles of high-end weapons."
...Yes. The Crimson Raiders are the ones who set that up there. Yes.
"Jerk doctor makes a good point. I am glad you are revisiting that particular incident. It seems way too momentous to be cast aside with a single character's explanation."
None of the party are happy with that incident, especially Wings. She finds murdering a restrained prisoner in cold blood to be beyond distasteful, but she also feels that ending his suffering quickly was the correct thing to do.
"I can understand that the crew would be rather shocked at Mend's sudden attack, but Firefly nearly got all of them killed. A clear failure of leadership and an obvious warning about Firefly's terrible impulse. Surely, the crew should actually be angrier at Firefly; they seem to be taking the whole incident in stride instead."
Team discipline. Never question the leader. Dashie has already chewed Firefly out over it. Wings is too straight up chain of command to openly question it. Mend is an asshole civilian, and he's totally correct, but that's the "wrong" way to do it, especially hitting Firefly. (even though she totally deserved it.)
"A bit difficult to tell who is speaking here. Might be useful to add an indicator, since there are more than two characters in this scene."
A fair point there, something to look into for a later editing pass.
"The word is getting a little overused in Wings's narration. The lack of clarity in what it is trying to convey is starting to bug me."
Another thing to work on in a later editing pass.
"It's probably a good idea to keep your personal and private lives separate."
Damn it. It's supposed to be, "personal and professional".
"You should separate those two pieces of dialogue. Wings is saying one; Firefly is saying the other. Best not to confuse anybody."
Another thing to look at.
"Well, now it is going to be a problem. Good job showing the addiction as a habit formed out of necessity. It works a lot better this way, when the addiction comes naturally."
DAMN IT. That's one of those lines that anyone who knows anything about stories automatically translates to, "this is gonna be a problem".
"It was hard to find any glaring issues with this chapter. Well done with this one."
This is about the point where SS is starting to get its hooves and figure out just how stuff works.
Well, if you're going to be traveling into a dodgy looking sewer complex, you might want to get out all your cliche lines at once! You know, on account that you might be too busy dying in there to scream it out.
Well, at least it didn't take long for them to understand the ghouls weren't very friendly! Though on the other hoof, it was JUST long enough to get lead deep enough into the place to get slightly lost. But hey! Besides almost drowning, it DID work as a bit of a shortcut!
I mean, while he IS the doctor, and she IS the navigator, if the doctor tells you it's unhealthy to take that path, he MIGHT just overrule her by a bit.
"Riots, actually. In the days after Equestria died." - I'm glad I wasn't the only one to have that idea! I mean, if your city wasn't immediately hit on the last day, I'm pretty sure it would shortly be full of ponies causing chaos.
While I can understand why you would make it where the wings wouldn't work (for story purposes), I was pretty sure Ditzy's wings were nothing but skin covered bones with a few feathers on it and she still flew. Then again it's been three years since I've read the story, so I could be wrong. And of course, it doesn't change anything about the story really, just something that struck me that I felt like taking note of!
'The hell is jaywalking?' - This is something I wish I could identify with. :/ There are TOO many damn jaywalkers around where I live, and I would like to punch each and every one of them in the face.
Oh, I've forgotten how agrivating it can be to read Steel Rangers as assholes, even if it's how they're supposed to be.
She opened her eyes and looked at me in surprise. "You're joking, right?" That sounds promising. She burst out laughing, then stared at me for another awkward moment. "Oh, wait. You're serious. Aren't you?" I glanced to Dashie, who simply shrugged. "Lemme laugh even harder." - I always love this kind of reaction. Just something that makes the protagonist (and the reader) deadpan. It's good stuff!
"Surprisingly, I think he hates me too despite my skill for repairing for advanced technology." She narrowed her eyes. - I think there's a typo there.
And Oooooo! Descent in the ranks of the Steel Rangers, willing to make a separate peace for the betterment of both sides. Hmmmm, so the question is, who will attempt to assassinate the elder? And what will happen when that plan ultimately fails? How exciting!
Visual concealment, not cover. - A VERY important distinction to make!
Also, Firefly's going to finally get used to not having a working pipbuck that by the time it DOES decide to work again, she's going to forget that she even has it available to use.
Creepy looking tree, casting odd shadows? Maybe even... foreshadows? :D Seriously though, I have a feeling that not blowing it up is going to come back to bite them in the flank. Or maybe that's exactly what you WANT me to think...
Overall, this was a pretty solid chapter! Lots of goings on with more than a bit of world building, which I always enjoy. And while you may have kinda-sorta overhyped it just a bit in chat, I still enjoyed it.
Oh, and of course, it was good to see that Firefly finally got laid, even if it wasn't with Dash like I'd expected it to be.
"What?"
"What?"
"What? If you don't mind."
"The nerve."
"Makes sense to me."