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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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You knew, Firefly. I mean, it's not like you guys have known each other your entire lives. :L
Firefly was entirely justified in yelling at Nimble. It makes no sense, though, why Nimble was eating away from everyone else. I am pretty certain no one judged eating disorders in the Wasteland, where the struggle for food was a daily reality.
My goodness. That question mark carries a lot of weight. It's accusatory and uncertain at the same time.
This scene had some really good characterization in narration. Firefly's wound up, practically exploding with sexual frustration, but her adherence to textbook military etiquette prevents her from releasing even a little.
I am so glad you had Firefly respond like that. Nothing like some Churchill charm turned into a flirt to break that stoic barrier.
A distinctive character appearance is great to have, but was this really the place to add these two lines? They seem out of place, given the flow of the paragraph.
Excellent demonstration of Firefly's ability to resolve problems without violence. A grand attribute that fits well with her character motivation.
Perhaps you might have meant a "thoughtful look." Or you might want a new adjective altogether. Since the next sentence uses 'think' anyway.
Jeez, Firefly, you have a bad habit of holding just about any action or expression against the individual. As though it were a sign of insult. This habit shows up way too often in the narration, sometimes making it seem Firefly is irritated, when she really shouldn't be.
This chapter features a lot of scenes and many interactions between Firefly and different parties. They all feel distinct and engaging, never once breaking away from Firefly's personality or distracting from the central issues and goals. But to get to all these scenes, the pacing becomes rather brisk, creating scenarios that feel like they should be longer, yet end rather quickly and without satisfaction. The most notable instance of the pace working against the story is the incited mob that faced off against Firefly. A lot of wastelander resentment could have come forth for the stable life, but the scene ends way too quickly for the tension to feel significant.
I can get why the pacing is so brisk. Haven is a rest stop, and the adventure needs to continue. But the scenes that deserve lengthening should receive lengthening.
Overall, the chapter reinforces the strengths of the story, delivering some smart and characteristic narration with some interesting dialogue and interactions. It shows that there is an effective method to all things Firefly does, making it somewhat easier to accept how tightly strung up she is. The only lacking element I think might have been how distant a character Dashie seems. For someone Firefly has known all her life, with whom she partners up in military exercises, Dashie is presented as a companion in the most literal sense: a character to be there as backup, given seldom chances to really appear as anything more.
Well done. I look forward to reading the next chapter.
A very nice chapter, established a lot about what I feel will be a central location at least for a while. I'm glad to see Firefly trying to build those alliances right out the gate, she certainly has her eyes on the prize and mind on the mission. Shame Nimble and Platinum are already leaving the group, but it isn't as if we didn't know this was coming. I hope their adventures will go well, and that they'll grow as ponies for it! Not too sure what Caramel's problem with Firefly was, hope he doesn't give Team Two much of a problem! Haven certainly seems to have its mind on sex, doesn't it? I liked how you described it though, gave it a lot of personality and we met a number of colorful faces. Overall it was a good chapter, building more of the world around Firefly who has a very unique voice. You can really get a feel for the more militaristic side of her. It does seem like she doesn't know Dashie near as much as I'd imagine from the implied long-term relationship. Not exactly a friendship I'd call it but he did seem rather friendly with her (then again that does seem like his personality in general). Well done!
Fallout Equestria: Stable Scout
Chapter 03
The Village
"Dun dun dunnnnn!!!!!"