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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Though the reaction might have just been a 'mild thrill,' I cannot help but feel this line is foreshadowing a coming downfall. Either that or tremendous mutilation and amusing injuries.
But on to the chapter proper.
A lot of important things were checked off the list this chapter: Team Two's ponies finally get an introduction, some narration reveals more about Firefly's idiosyncrasies, the group travels outside and encounters its first stop in this new world. Many emotions and relationships are conveyed only through expressions and throw-away remarks, which thankfully free up the prose for flourish and humor. It was the strongest quality in the last chapter, and it is just as prevalent here. There is magic in showing so much in so little, which will hopefully continue to define the later chapters.
Unfortunately, downplaying the narration also works against this story. As a case in point, the first encounter with the hostile creatures of the wasteland.
Firefly and her Stable security forces have never traveled outside the area controlled by their stable. They don't know the rain is radioactive; they are lacking in experience with the unpredictable threats that wander the land. For their first encounter, they have fight off a horde of ghouls! It should be an unpleasant and perhaps shocking introduction to the wasteland proper; however, as it is written, the fight reads as though Firefly was checking off a grocery list.
12 ghouls, 11 ghouls, 10 ghouls... It sounds so routine like a training exercise. Firefly and her group are entering combat in a place they are not familiar with, against enemies they are not familiar with, and ghoulified Steel Rangers are involved. With that in mind, they should be shaken at least, not expecting these circumstances from their training. But since Firefly makes little of the encounter, so does the reader. We cannot sense that there is a very real threat here, unless Firefly makes it apparent.
So downplaying the combat, in my mind, reduces the risks and loses a scene of potential reader investment.
Nevertheless, the story you are crafting here is interesting enough to keep me reading.
Okay, first of all to be honest, I'm a bit jealous that you thought up the name 'Deathcon' for a place like that. It's name just bleeds wasteland, and I applaud you for that!
On the rest of the chapter... call me jaded, but I'd really expected that trip to go a lot worse! I mean, the way that it went was fine, mind you! But I will say that the inclusion of ghoul rangers was a really interesting concept! It's one of those believable things you know would probably happen out in the wastes that no one really touches on.
Now with so many interesting concepts in mind, I'll say this: this chapter was fairly straightforward. While I'd expected plenty of things to go terribly wrong, part of me forgot that this is only chapter two. In retrospect, I think in keeping this chapter simple, with a conflict that's fairly small like this, it really does a good job in setting things up. Like in most of the games, your first wasteland 'quests' are always simple ones, that have risk, but only because you're unfamiliar with how things go. It's a good way to set things up without being too unbelievable, (I mean, they are just feral ghouls) and if anything, lulls the characters into a false sense of "it's not actually all that bad out here!" that can cause problems down the road.
Overall, I enjoyed this chapter, and I'm looking forward to the next one!
Rather enjoyed this chapter, I’m having trouble finding a time to read the whole thing in one go but as I come back to it pieces at a time I’m still engaged and interested in it so well done! It was cool seeing them venture forth and learn about the world around them, even if only this itty bit.
A fun subversión of expectations that Nimble is just going to be some hardass. The combat was fun and straight forward, a good way to start. You can clearly tell they’re no greenhorns to fighting. I do wonder how thingsll go in Haven, and if Firefly’s ‘unicorns are superior’ mentality might just change over the story. Well done!
And thus we get an insight into Firefly's mind as she defines her combat style as considerably less... enthusiastic... than Blackjack's "sword in one hoof, shotgun in another, bottle of whiskey in another!"
and a picture of Glory in the other. still not sure how she manages to get around with all four hooves occupied.