Friendship is Card Games: Rainbow Dash Presents: Bittersweet · 11:19am Apr 17th, 2022
Looks like that initial burst of Tell Your Tale shorts was just to set the tone, and they’ve pulled back to a one-per-week schedule. Given that, let’s look at what was going to go up last week, wherein reality ensues for a particular pink pony’s pancreas.
Bittersweet is the archetypal “Pinkie gets diabetes” story… though sadly, the Google Doc in the link currently has access denied. But yes, this was an early ponyfic trope right up there with Twilight botching a spell to get the plot going. Personally, I believe that Pinkie’s talent gives her superequine resilience against the toxic effects of sugar, alcohol, and most other recreational chemicals, but I can see how folks will arrive at this concept.
Of course, with Mentally Advanced Pinkie involved…
Oh hey, I didn’t know that Pratchett novel existed. Dash has good taste in the books she pretends to read.
Dash’s blissfully ignorant description of Pinkie “Panopticon” Pie combined with Pinkie stroking Gummy Blofeld-style is a beautiful thing.
“Pinkie lucked out and got a more nebulous concept.”
I like to think everypony has a relatively nebulous sphere of influence in their special talent. Some just approach it more creatively than others. (Which isn’t always a good thing, Starlight.)
“At first it didn’t seem so bad, but the doctor told Pinkie she was gonna need, like, a liter of insulin every month or something crazy like that. And when she went to the pharmacy, she didn’t have insurance and the told her that Ponalog was still brand-name medicine, so it cost more than six thousand bits.”
Yeah. That’s how to dramatize diabetes. Pinkie not being able to eat her weight in cake every day makes for a relatively shallow tragedy. Using her to lay bare a certain dysfunctional healthcare system makes for something you can sink your teeth into.
Rainbow Dash lying on the floor with a smile on her face, one or more broken bones, and wings full of broken glass is peak Mentally Advanced Dash. Especially when she’s done it just to help cheer up a friend.
Similar point with Pinkie deciding to spite the Equestrian healthcare system through a fatal ice cream binge.
Yeah, the Ponyville River isn’t exactly the best way to dispose of a body. Even one that wants to be disposed of.
I do appreciate the pink, heart-and-swirl bedecked phone booth. It would fit right in on an MLP toy.
Meanwhile, the Sugarcube Corner weathervane pony holding a scythe is a delightfully twisted bit of background fun.
Oh dear. Dash is supposed to be in college? Yeah, I can’t see that going well.
Also, after “Parental Glideance,” seeing Mentally Advanced Dash talk to her parents becomes a lot more surreal.
Huh. For “everypony’s best friend,” Pinkie sure doesn’t have many ponies at her funeral. Still, I do appreciate the personalized casket, the balloons, and Twilight’s adamant refusal to wear black.
Rarity has a point. Pinkie blowing herself up does seem like a safe bet. Especially this Pinkie. Or the human one.
“So… diabetic ketoacidosis. What is this, the Dark Ages? We have medicine.”
Oh, Twilight. So sure of the theory and so ignorant of the reality. Truly the property this version of her has most in common with her more familiar counterparts.
I have to love how the closed captioning for Fluttershy just says “[blaring trash-metal music drowns out Fluttershy’s speech.]” Mr. Waddle’s DJ outfit is the cherry on top there.
Oh, Dash. Her heart’s as big as her brain isn’t.
Rarity being deeply uncomfortable with Dash’s level of trust in her is honestly great. She just doesn’t know how to process this level of spiteless, sincere companionship.
The low self-esteem pegasi are funnier than thy have any right to be.
The used litterbox and scuffed furniture in Fluttershy’s cottage are a perfect expression of the Mentally Advanced Series: Pony, but with the messy details left in… and a much crueler read of most of the characters.
That praying mantis on roller skates is a much-needed moment of surreality amid Fluttershy airing her trauma.
Credit to Twilight, she could have slammed her door in Dash’s face. At least she’s offering hard-to-swallow advice. Not necessarily good advice, but still.
“You gotta stop teleportin’ into my yard demandin’ physical comfort.”
… How many times has Twilight teleported Dash to Sweet Apple Acres over the last few months, exactly?
Huh. I don’t know much about Shining Armor’s situation in this timeline, but if Cadence is anything like her aunts… Yikes.
“What’re you lookin’ at!?”
“Stallions callin’ out for help in the only way they know how?”
Apple Bloom’s not wrong. HornHub definitely seems like a cry for help writ large. Though I suppose some ponies are into that.
“I don’t want to have to talk to my sister about death!” says the pig-farming mare with dead parents. (Yeah, we didn’t know they were dead at the time, but “Apple Family Reunion” had aired months ago. The writing was on the wall and the shooting stars were in the sky.)
“What’s to talk about? Last night, Mrs. Cluckerbottom stopped layin’ eggs an’ we cut her head off.”
Yup. Kind of hard to avoid the subject of death on a farm.
And yeah, Mentally Advanced Scootaloo raises some uncomfortable questions about her upbringing.
“And is my brother gonna marry? I don’t know.”
It’s true. No one saw that pairing coming.
Apple Bloom poking holes in most of Applejack’s complaints is some outstanding sibling interaction. I may not always like Dawn Somewhere’s characterization, but when it works, it really works.
“She’s half my friends!” is equal parts hilarious and sad.
Ah yes. This was before Best Pony’s triumphant return in “Rainbow Falls,” and thus Dinky has to try to keep her offscreen if possible. Alas.
I feel like the Hooves family portrait is a reference to something, but I’m not sure what.
Huh. How did Thrackerzod get grounded from Scootaloo? Did Rarity’s parents decide that… or did Azathoth?
Look, Best Pony is a responsible adult. Sometimes circumstance just conspires against her. Rainbow Dash, on the other hand, should at least have the wherewithal to realize that the mare trapped in the sink would appreciate some help.
More conflicts need to be resolved with zerberts. The world would be a better, stranger place if that were the case.
I have to love how, in her attempts to save the fillies, Dash leads them directly into the Everfree.
Oh hey, the banana bar from “A Beautiful Day in Equestria” is still there. Well, it is all by the same author.
Ooh, very clean transition from apes to Diamond Dogs as Dash’s backup band.
There’s something hilarious about hijacking a musical number to lure ponies to their doom. (Also, I’m pretty sure we went off the rails of the base story a long time ago, but it’s RDP.)
And Twilight just freaking pops a Diamond Dog like a balloon, because this instance of her has zero patience for these shenanigans.
Also, I appreciate Best Pony being used to haul multiple Elements. Depending on the interpretation, she could definitely swing Loyalty or Laughter.
“It is diplomacy. I traded a big rock for Rainbow Dash.”
It’s a very good thing this Twilight never took Equestria’s reins… though compared to her Celestia, would it really be so bad?
There, see? Clearly Best Pony is an acceptable substitute for Dash when it comes to harmonious necromancy.
Also, a Harmony-incarnated transparent manfiestation of one of the Bearers. That’s certainly familiar.
“I thought that necromancy required an expensive license and a college degree.”
Nah, that’s just what they tell you to keep anypony with a shovel and a black cockerel from causing a zombie apocalypse.
“So it turned out we basically learned nothing.”
To be expected of this universe. 
And the video ends with an announcement for the grand finale of Rainbow Dash Presents… which was going to be lampooning Equestria Girls. Yeah, that didn’t exactly pan out.
In any case, another example of lovely madness from Dawn Somewhere. Now, how can I twist it further…
“Chin Up” 1W
Enchantment — Song
At the beginning of your upkeep, put a verse counter on “Chin Up”.
1W, Sacrifice “Chin Up”: Until end of turn, up to X target permanents you control gain “When this permanent is put into a graveyard from the battlefield, return it to the battlefield under its owner’s control tapped,” where X is the number of verse counters on “Chin Up”.
Martyr’s Testament 1W
Enchantment — Aura
Flash
Enchant creature
When enchanted creature dies, two or more target players each draw two cards.
The Pinkie Epistles were heavily edited before being released to the masses.
Solemn Occassion 1W
Instant
This turn, players can’t get counters and counters can’t be put on nonplaneswalker permanents.
Draw a card.
For one all-too-brief moment, they were united in grief, all foolishness forgotten.
Ponyville Eulogist 2W
Creature — Pony Cleric
W, T: Exile target card from a graveyard. If it was a creature card, you gain life equal to its toughness.
“The deceased would not want our sorrow to linger. As they have moved on to a better place, let us honor them by doing the same.”
2/3
Sluice Skulker 3W
Creature — Pegasus Rogue
Flash
Flying
When Sluice Skulker enters the battlefield, if a creature would die this turn, that creature’s owner puts it on the bottom of their library instead.
“Rivers, sewers, both’ll hide a body.”
2/3
Unwilling Accomplice U
Creature — Pegasus Citizen
Flying
Sacrifice Unwilling Accomplice: Target creature can’t be blocked this turn.
“Wait, what am I distracting them from?”
1/1
Caught in the Works 3U
Enchantment — Aura
Affinity for artifacts (This spell costs 1 less to cast for each artifact you control.)
Enchant creature
When Caught in the Works enters the battlefield, tap enchanted creature.
Enchanted creature doesn’t untap during its controller’s untap step.
Curse of Hyperglycemia 2B
Enchantment — Aura Curse
Enchant player
If enchanted player would gain life, they lose that much life instead.
At the beginning of enchanted player’s upkeep, they lose 1 life.
“May your blood flow like syrup.”
Cackling Vestige 3B
Creature — Pony Spirit
Menace
Whenever Cackling Vestige or another creature dies, each opponent loses 1 life and you gain 1 life.
Harmony channels black mana through Laughter, producing its most baffling results.
3/1
Sanctioned Necromancy 4B
Sorcery
Return target creature card from your graveyard to the battlefield. If W was spent to cast this spell, put a shield counter on that creature. (If it would be dealt damage or destroyed, remove a shield counter from it instead.)
“Yes, I do have a license for that zombie.”
Amateur Pyrotechnician 1R
Creature — Pony Citizen
When Amateur Pyrotechnician dies, it deals 2 damage to each player.
Blitz 2R (If you cast this spell for its blitz cost, it gains haste and “When this creature dies, draw a card.” Sacrifice it at the beginning of the next end step.)
Black powder doesn’t allow two mistakes.
2/1
Medical Extortion 1R
Enchantment
When Medical Extortion enters the battlefield, draw a card.
Whenever an opponent gains life, create a Treasure token. (It’s an artifact with “T, Sacrifice this artifact: Add one mana of any color.”)
Some Equestrias are less ideal than others.
Ultrabass Instigator 2R
Creature — Pony Bard
Finale — Whenever you sacrifice a Song, goad target creature an opponent controls. (Until your next turn, that creature attacks each combat if able and attacks a player other than you if able.)
You don’t say no to a Pinkie party.
3/2
Mad Reaper 2RR
Creature — Horror
First strike, menace
Dethrone (Whenever this creature attacks the player with the most life or tied for most life, put a +1/+1 counter on it.)
Mad Reaper attacks a player with the most life or tied for most life among your opponents each combat if able.
3/2
Nice Place You Got Here 3R
Sorcery
Casualty 2 (As you cast this spell, you may sacrifice a creature with power 2 or greater. When you do, copy this spell and you may choose new targets for the copy.)
Destroy target artifact or land.
“Be a shame should something happen to it.”
Growling Bandits 4R
Creature — Dog Rogue
When Growling Bandits enters the battlefield, gain control of another target creature until end of turn. Untap that creature. Until end of turn, it gains haste and “When this creature dies, draw a card.”
Blitz 3RR
3/3
Arbalest Offensive 2G
Enchantment
Each creature you control with reach assigns combat damage equal to its toughness rather than its power.
Whenever one or more creature you control with reach attack, untap those creatures.
“I never did like crossbows.”
—Ditzy Doo
Nantuko Rinkrunner 2G
Creature — Insect Scout
Threshold — Nantuko Rinkrunner gets +2/+2 and has haste as long as seven or more cards are in your graveyard.
“There is a time for contemplation and a time for action.”
—Nantuko teaching
2/2
Plotting Pony-Watcher WUB
Creature — Pony Rogue
When Plotting Pony-Watcher enters the battlefield, each player draws a card, then discards a card. Put a +1/+1 counter on Plotting Pony-Watcher for each nonland card discarded this way and create a Treasure token for each land card discarded this way.
1/3
Attended Courier 1WU
Creature — Pegasus Scout
When you cast this spell, create a 1/1 blue Unicorn creature token.
Flying
Attended Courier has hexproof as long as you control a Unicorn.
The Equestrian postal service takes mail tampering very seriously.
2/2
Traumatized Pegasus 1BR
Creature — Pegasus Citizen
Flying
Whenever a player discards a card, Traumatized Pegasus deals 1 damage to target opponent and to each creature that player controls.
Nightmares breed through mental scars.
2/1
Arcane Rend 1U(ub)B
Instant
Target creature’s owner puts it on the top or bottom of their library. If that player puts it on top, they lose life equal to that creature’s power.
As with many things, Twilight learned diplomacy from Celestia.
Ditzy, Relic Channeler 2UR
Legendary Planeswalker — Ditzy
You may look at the top card of your library any time.
You may play artifact lands and cast artifact spells from the top of your library.
+1: Scry 2.
-3: Create an X/X blue and red Elemental creature token with haste, where X is the greatest mana value among artifacts you control.
4
Explosive Manifestation 4BRG
Instant
You may put a creature card from your hand or graveyard onto the battlefield. When you do, that creature deals damage equal to its power to each creature and planeswalker your opponents control.
Thrackerzod has yet to grasp the concept of “collateral damage.”
Terms GW//Conditions 1WU
Instant//Instant
Terms: Creatures you control gain hexproof and indestructible until end of turn.
Conditions: Counter target spell unless its controller has you draw two cards and gain 3 life.
That is actually a quasi plagiarism of a Scrubs episode for the first part, and I'm not even sure the stuff after that was written by the same author. Early pony fanfiction was a wild place. But it's been a while since I've gone through all the fics RDP covered and my memories are shaky.
Yeah I know I could literally do that again right now and that's partly the purpose of the blog but I don't have the time.Inside Baseball Alert: Yes, sapient giant mantids are MtG canon. They're actually pretty friendly.
Oh, and it's probably for the best that this was delayed a week in order to land on the last of the candy-giving holidays for the next six months.
"Up to 90% off" is a range of values that includes 0%.
I really love the voice acting there, where RD manages to put in just the right touch of wistful sadness. No rage at the deceptive practice, just a little bit of disappointment. That's damn good character work.
But, no, yes!
5651408
At least it's not "up to 15% or more", which could mean anything and therefore means nothing.