Friendship is Card Games: Rainbow Dash Presents: Spiderses · 12:45pm Dec 19th, 2021
I could look at the next issues of Generations for this week, but I have something fun planned for New Year’s Day that requires me to skip over the comics for a cycle. As such, let’s see why everything is bigger and eight.
The Spiderses is…an experience. It might be the archetypal “Twilight accidentally botches a spell” fic. It’s certainly the archetypal “author deliberately botches English” fic for FiM. Argembarger walked so that jakkid166 could run.
Ah. So the entity in Dash’s fireplace was explicitly a shoggoth. I shouldn’t be surprised given the Lovecraftian elements of the setting, but it’s still good to know for certain.
And enter Mentally Advanced Celestia. Hold on to your butts, everyone.
There’s a certain class of character that can turn “I was bored” into one of the most menacing sentences you can hear. Kudos on the delivery here.
Whereas RDP: Haunting Nightmare uses the cursed work of fiction that draws in readers by its own volition, this one appears to use a weaponized version of Haycartes’s Method. Eerie prescience or deliberate references to the abridged series in later canon? You, the viewer decide!
“When [Spike] grows to suitable age, he will devour Twilight with impunity.”
The fact that it’s Celestia saying this carries all kinds of worrisome implications. Indeed, this gives us a chilling look at this Celestia’s attitude towards both her student and her world in general.
Twilight’s pulling out books on escapology, dream interpretation, orthopedic trauma surgery… Oh, and a Stephen King novel. He probably wrote about being the plaything of a malicious narrator at some point.
Oh! And Help! I’m Trapped in My Teacher’s Body. There’s an unexpected bit of nostalgia.
Again, very good bit of insight into this Celestia. She sees anything less eternal than her sun as a meaningless gnat that will inevitably die in a relative eyeblink.
Huh. This quickly pivoted to “RPG with a malicious GM.” Neat.
The binary on the scroll translates to “artist cop-out.” Fair enough, Petirep.
I can’t tell if Celestia discussing her own building madness is a threat, a test of loyalty, a cry for help, or all three.
Twilight refuses to blame herself for casting a spell without reading the fine print, and she dare not blame Celestia. Between pride and self-preservation, that only leaves Spike.
Of course Fluttershy is the spider who demonstrates Spike’s usual treatment of them. Also, I do have to appreciate the recursion of a dragon playing Skyrim.
“Anyone will tell ya they don’t call me Big Mac for nothin’.”
I do appreciate the single frame of gleeful Rarity after that. Though given many spiders’ mating habits, bragging about that right now seems ill-advised.
“And you have a girl’s voice.”
Ah yes, the reversed gender vocal register. One of the odder quirks of the Mentally Advanced Series.
The increasingly synth-heavy soundtrack belies Celestia’s purely scientific interest in seeing if Big Mac’s secondary skill set can help Twilight.
Oh hey, brief glimpse of Mrs. Buzzy. And the monstrosity of children.
The band of insects is odd enough, but why is the praying mantis on saxophone wearing roller skates?
I’m not sure if presenting a relationship as inevitably reaching a “misery stage” says more about Twilight or Celestia.
There’s also the question of how a spider makes alcohol. It looks like the answer is to wrap prey in silk and wait for it to not only digest, but ferment.
Ooh, author insert. Unexpected. And I had to take a look, but yes, the famed spider Merriam Webster is in the original story.
Ah, the good ol’ alicorn ex machina. I dare not imagine what Celestia was trying to teach Twilight. Seeking meaning in insane sun logic is a good way to go mad yourself.
In all, this was disturbingly entertaining in the best way, and thus a fitting tribute to the original tale. Let's see what I can add to this warped tapestry:
Celestia’s Dismissal 2W
Instant
Each opponent sacrifices a creature with the greatest power among creatures that player controls.
“Immortality means all of my problems go away eventually.”
Eternal Dawn 2W
Enchantment
Whenever you gain life, put that many hope counters on Eternal Dawn.
At the beginning of your end step, you may remove five hope counters from Eternal Dawn. When you do, return target creature card from your graveyard to the battlefield.
Moment of Mirth 2W
Instant
Split second (As long as this spell is on the stack, players can't cast spells or activate abilities that aren't mana abilities.)
Exile target creature. Its controller gains life equal to its power.
A life of fear and torment can change in an instant.
God-Scorned Skulker 1U
Creature — Unicorn Rogue
God-Scorned Skulker can’t be blocked by Gods, by Demigods, or by enchantment creatures.
She’s avoided the entire pantheon’s rage. Now they wait for her hubris to catch up to her.
2/1
Body Swap 2U
Instant
Choose two target creatures. Exchange those creatures’ base power and toughness with one another until end of turn. (Exchange power with power and toughness with toughness.)
New perspectives can teach much.
Thirst for Liberation 2U
Instant
Draw three cards, then discard two cards unless you discard a legendary card.
Half of Twilight’s research is assigned by Celestia. The other half is finding a way to escape her grasp.
Malice of the Gods 2BB
Sorcery
Each creature that isn’t a God, a Demigod, or an enchantment gets -3/-3 until end of turn.
Sometimes the gods harm mortals through short-sightedness or for the greater good. Sometimes it’s pure spite.
Relentless Dragonborn 3B
Creature — Human Dragon Warrior
If a creature an opponent controls would die, instead exile it and put a +1/+1 counter on Relentless Dragonborn.
Relentless Dragonborn has all activated abilities of all Dragon cards exiled with it.
A dragon in mortal skin hoards all the same.
2/2
Soul Vortex 3BB
Enchantment — Aura
Enchant creature
When Soul Vortex enters the battlefield, all creatures that aren’t enchanted get -2/-2 until end of turn.
Whenever another creature dies, put a +1/+1 counter on enchanted creature.
Hearth Shoggoth 2RR
Creature — Shapeshifter Ooze Horror
At the beginning of your upkeep, discard a card, then draw a card.
Delirium — Whenever you discard a permanent card, if there are four or more card types among cards in your graveyard, you may have Hearth Shoggoth become a copy of that card until end of turn, except it has this ability.
3/3
Curse of Frothing Madness 3R
Enchantment — Aura Curse
Enchant player
At the beginning of enchanted player’s upkeep, that player discards a card at random. If they do, they draw a card.
After Nightmare Moon, Celestia focused on building a country that could endure her own insanity. She succeeded.
Shelter Spinner 2G
Creature — Spider
Reach
Whenever one or more creatures with flying attack you and/or planeswalkers you control, bolster 2. (Choose a creature with the least toughness among creatures you control and put two +1/+1 counters on it.)
1/3
Surge Forth 2G
Sorcery
Cleave 3GU (You may cast this spell for its cleave cost. If you do, remove the words in square brackets.)
Each creature you control can’t be blocked [by more than one creature] this turn.
The spiders rose like the tide, just as unstoppable.
Merriam Webster 2GG
Legendary Creature — Spider Wizard
Reach
Whenever a creature you control with reach deals combat damage to a player, draw a card.
At the beginning of your end step, untap all creatures you control with reach.
2/5
Nantuko Broodsinger 3G
Creature — Insect Bard
Finale — Whenever you sacrifice a Song, create a 1/1 green Insect creature token, then put a +1/+1 counter on each Insect you control.
Every new life deserves a celebration.
—Nantuko teaching
3/2
Grotesque Brood 4GG
Sorcery
Cascade (When you cast this spell, exile cards from the top of your library until you exile a nonland card that costs less. You may cast it without paying its mana cost. Put the exiled cards on the bottom of your library in a random order.)
Create X 1/2 green Spider creature tokens with reach, where X is twice the number of spells you’ve cast this turn.
Arachnomorphosis XG
Instant
Until end of turn, target creature you control becomes a green Spider with base power and toughness X/X and gains reach.
Overload XGG (You may cast this spell for its overload cost. If you do, change its text by replacing all instances of “target” with “each.”)
Silkbottle Spider WBG
Creature — Spider
Reach
Whenever Silkbottle Spider deals damage to a creature, exile that creature until Silkbottle Spider leaves the battlefield.
2: Put a card exiled with Silkbottle Spider into its owner’s graveyard. If you do, you gain 3 life.
1/4
Strange Interlude 1WU
Instant
Exile target spell or nonland permanent. At the beginning of the next upkeep, return the exiled card to its owner’s hand.
Twilight didn’t care what Celestia wanted her to learn. She was just glad the lesson was over.
Twilit Swarm 2BGU
Creature — Spider
Vigilance, reach
Twilit Swarm’s power and toughness are each equal to the number of cards in your hand.
Whenever another nontoken creature dies, draw a card.
Hungry for both life and knowledge.
*/*
Draconic Vengeance 3BR
Sorcery
Choose one —
• Return target Dragon permanent card from your graveyard to the battlefield.
• Destroy up to two target creatures.
Entwine BR (Choose both if you pay the entwine cost.)
Callous Deity 5WB
Creature — Demigod
Alicorn (This card is also a Pony Pegasus Unicorn.)
Flying, indestructible
Whenever a non-God permanent deals damage to Callous Deity, exile that permanent.
“Look at you, rotting as you stand. Disgusting.”
4/4
Stupid Complicated Game Alert: Cascade triggers and their cast spells will both resolve before the original spell that had cascade does. If you aren't getting at least 4 spiders out of Grotesque Brood, something has gone very wrong.
Oh hey, another element of future canon that MAS predicted.