Love

I don't believe I ever wrote about my previous relationship experiences on here, but they have all gone the same way and I have a feeling my next/current won't be an exception.

A lot of my problems now stem back to my childhood, being isolated from society, lacking any social skills, never shown any love or how to love. I'd have to say the most painful feelings I've ever experienced has come from these very things.

A lot of my decisions in life are based off my experiences with my first relationship, the first time I had ever felt love and trust. At the time I was only 14 and didn't understand the importance of mental health and the impact of obsessions. I had let the love consume me to an unhealthy degree, I would physically be in pain whenever my partner was away. My mental health was only as good as the moments I was there with her, any time else I'd be suffering. A year of this had brought me into a deep hole of depression almost to the point of suicide as the feelings became unbearable. Eventually the relationship ended and a few months passed and suddenly it felt as though a cloud was lifted. My thoughts were once again free and I was my regular self again.

Every time I enter a relationship I think back to those times, the immense pain and suffering, but also the beauty of love. My greatest struggle in life has always been my inability to properly love someone, it kills me inside and brings an immense sadness to know that I cannot love the person I want to love. Ultimately I've come to the conclusion that I am better off without a partner, when I am independent and free. This was how I governed my life for many years until I fell in love again back in 2020. I figured I'd give love one more try in hopes that my 5 years of self reflecting and change was enough for me to finally handle love properly. However this had once again lead me into a deep depression, I was suddenly 14 again, crying in pain every second they were gone. Sleeping the days away in order to avoid the pain and be with my partner once again.

In that relationship I had tried my hardest to suppress those feelings of obsession that would always lead me into codependency and then depression. However despite how prepared I thought I was, this was something beyond my mental capabilities. The immense feelings were nothing I could handle and in the end they had won once again, I withdrew depressed, scarred, and hurt both mentally and physically.

And yet here I stand yet again at the face of love, right in the tracks as the train of emotions is heading towards me. I can see it coming, I knew it was going to be here, yet like every time before it appears it's not something I can stop or prepare for. My heart has taken control once again and the pain has returned. It has only been two days since I've confessed my feelings and already the emotions are immense. But I'd have to say, I do love him, perhaps this is the time things will finally work out? I can only hope