Green Update I'm Leaving Here Because i'm Currently Locked Out of My Ponepaste Account · 5:00am Oct 18th, 2021
Exactly what it says on the tin. Starts right at the end of https://ponepaste.org/4295
>You are the eager Cut N. Paste.
>After your last match went so well, almost /too/ well, a certain giddiness started blossoming within you.
>Seeing that look on your opponent’s face after you perfectly countered her strategy...
>Watching all that trash she was talking literally come crashing down...
>It felt good.
>Really good.
>So good that for the last ten minutes you’ve just been standing here in front of the tournament bracket, waiting in anticipation to see who you’ll be battling next.
>Anon might just have been right about this!
>You are better than these mares, you can do this!
>Speaking of Anon though...
>”So, who’s next?” comes a familiar baritone voice to your left.
>Turning to look at the familiar green unicorn beside you, you answer.
“I don’t know, guess the other match hasn’t finished yet.”
>Turning back to the board you idly hmmm.
“They’d better hurry up, they’ve only got a few minutes left in the round.”
>Pike, who’s on the other side of Anon, speaks up.
>>”Looks like it’ll either be Broken Game or... The Squeaker?”
>You can see her lean out past him to look at you.
>>”Any idea what /that/ means?”
>You shrug.
“No clue.”
>You can hear Anon groan at the sight of the word ‘squeaker’, and as you look back toward him, you see he’s grimaced to an almost exaggerated degree.
>>”Something you want to share with the class, hon?”
>Relaxing his face just a tad, he grunts in annoyance.
>”Let’s just hope that’s not who Cut ends up facing next. God if that nickname means what I think it means, she’ll be /super annoying/.”
>As if on cue from his statement, a judge shuffles past you to cross out the name ‘Broken Game’ on the bracket.
>”Aw hell.”
>You’re still Cut N. Paste, and you can’t believe what you’re seeing.
>Awkwardly pulling the chair out from under the competition table, you take your seat across from...
>... a filly.
>A little earth pony filly.
>You couldn’t believe it when you first got in view of the table, and you can scarcely believe it now.
>How is she here?
>Where are her parents!?
>No answers are forthcoming though.
>As you struggle to comprehend the shocking sight, Anon’s words from when the three of you first laid eyes on your new opponent ring out through your head once more.
>’Alright, babe, this kid’s gonna come at you hard and fast. You better be ready to hit back just as hard.’
>You did not like how he seemed to be speaking from personal experience.
>Attempting to scootch your chair in, you wince as it makes an unfortunately loud “eeeeeerk” as it scrapes against the tiled floor.
>Thankfully, the filly seems too engrossed in pouring through her deck to even look up.
>Buck, you were never good with foals, this is going to suck.
>Putting the impending awkwardness out of your mind, you decide you ought to pick out your deck.
>Popping open your saddlebags, you take stock of the ones you brought.
>Hmmm, maybe your blue/black—
>”You better not even be THINKING of bringing a stupid-ass blue/black deck to face ME.”
>Your sheer shock at the pre-pubescent voice across from you nearly knocks you out of your chair.
>She doesn’t even have her cutie mark and she’s throwing out racial slurs!?
>She glances up from her deck to see your stunned expression.
>”Oh my bucking Celestia, you were weren’t you?! Are you bucking stupid?”
>Seems like Anon was right.
>”Just pick your stupid deck already fatass.”
>You're thankful that the sheer absurdity of the situation is currently protecting you from actually feeling any of these insults.
>Deciding just to go with the blue/black deck, after all, you stutter something out.
“Wh-where are your parents?”
>She sneers at you.
>”They’re at home BUCKING your Dad! Just like what I’m gonna do to that SLUT you brought after I beat you!”
>In that instant, something inside you changes.
“Excuse me?”
>You are Anonymous, and right now you’re feeling a sense of both deep pride, and a tinge of embarrassment.
>At this point the game between Cut and ‘The Squeaker’ should be well underway, but you’re pretty sure neither of them have drawn a single card.
>”HEY YOU TALL GREEN DICK! WHY DON’T YOU GET OVER HERE AND EAT ME OUT? DON’T YOU WANT TO BE WITH A REAL MARE?” you hear the child scream.
>Cut slams both her forehooves on the table.
>>”LISTEN HERE YOU SNOT-NOSED BRAT! YOU DON’T TALK TO MY COLTFRIEND LIKE THAT!”
>”OH YEAH? WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO ABOUT IT YOU FAT SOYMILK COW?”
>You’re glad the conversation shifted to you so early, who knows if Cut would have been able to withstand it otherwise.
>>”HOW ABOUT YOU GO HOME AND GET BACK TO FAILING ALGEBRA!”
>”SHUT THE BUCK UP! MATH IS HARD! I BET YOU DROPPED OUT!”
>You can hear Pike’s hoof making an impact with her face.
>>>”Please tell me I’m hallucinating and Cut isn’t screaming at a middle schooler.”
>You chuckle.
“No can do!”
>You are Nocturnal Pike, and you’ll need to have a talk with Cut when this is all over.
>You’ve long admired the ferocity she’s been willing to defend Anon with, but this is getting a little ridiculous.
>This is a filly she’s screaming at! A filly!
>Sure, a terribly behaved filly, but come on!
>This is just hard to watch at this point.
>Looking away, you see with mounting horror that more or less every other game in the building has ground to a halt.
>All eyes are on Cut as she screams in abject fury.
>The sound of clattering cards brings your attention back to the mare.
>It seems she took the filly’s deck and scattered it all over the table.
>”GREEN/RED? GREEN-BUCKING-RED? THIS COMBO HAS BEEN NERFED INTO THE DIRT SINCE BEFORE YOU WERE BORN!”
>All you can do is sigh.
>Glancing at Anon, you’re troubled to find he’s growing more into it with each passing shout.
>>”YEAH! Tell her her parents think she’s a loser!” he cheers.
>What kind of experiences has he had that he’s cheering this on?
>He practically looks like he’s watching a boxing match!
>>”NOW HIT HER AGAIN!”
>What the buck, now he’s even /talking/ like it's a boxing match!
>Okay, looks like you’re going to need to have /two/ long talks later tonight.
>You are Anon, and the joyous high you were feeling while watching your fillyfriend trash that annoying brat, has given way to a deep, depressing, low.
>”S-See? I’m cucking you right now!” comes a muffled voice from your side.
>Cut did too good of a job fighting back against the kid, and before you knew it, the filly had broken down in tears.
>As the only male in the store, quite literally every head turned to you expecting you to comfort the crying child.
>You ignored them at first, but as the shrieking got louder, those looks eventually turned into the judges explicitly asking you to do it.
>You don’t know why you said yes.
>Now she’s buried herself in the fuzz of your thicker than average forehoof, and is balling her eyes out.
>”I’m the sigma mare here! Me!”
>Of course, even that’s not stopping her from belting out insults.
>Cut has thankfully elected to put herself at the other end of the room to cool off.
>You can tell she feels a little bad, but every word the filly speaks threatens to throw her into another fit of rage.
>”Y-You’re not even a beta mare! Y-you're just a gamma! Or even a delta!"
>Okay this is getting /really/ annoying.
“Look honey!” you call to Pike in your most patronizing tone, “She’s making up her own words! Isn’t that cute?”
>Unfortunately, but not unexpectedly, your sarcasm is lost on the child.
>”S-See! *hic* He called me cute! Dad couldn’t have left Mom because of me!”
>God damn it, where the fuck ARE this kid’s parents!?
>Suddenly you catch one of the judges approaching you from the corner of your eye.
>Please be here to relieve you, please be here to relieve you.
>>”Thank Celestia you were here to give your paternal touch.” she says to you. “Your daughter has been so well behaved tonight that I knew you’d be the perfect pony for this.”
>Huh, your daughter?
>Wait, does she mean...?
>Oh boy, you love it when this happens!
“I don’t have a daughter.”
>The judge looks confused and falls right into your trap.
>>”Then why’s that bat filly—”
>>>”You do not want to finish that sentence,” you hear Pike growl.
>Your name is Stacked Deck, owner of the Board Game Barn, and you’re reaching the end of your rope.
>After that filly’s parents finally showed up, the mare who beat her and those two ponies hanging out with her found themselves with a lot of time to kill.
>Time they’ve decided to spend backseat gaming!
>”What about that card she just played?” asks the stallion.
>>”Ooooo, I wouldn’t have done that,” the fat mare replies.
>ARRRRRRG! They’ve been doing this nearly your whole game!
>Why’s that stallion even here!? You know he’s a fake gamer colt.
>He couldn’t even name /every/ board game when you asked him to!
>All you’re trying to do is pwn some n00bs, and you aren’t even allowed to do that without harassment in your /own store/!
>You’ve got some misandristic slurs you're going to drop if this keeps up...
>>”See, she /should/ have played that program just then. But she did the stupid thing and just ate the damage.”
>That’s it!
“JUDGE!” you shout to the appropriately named Judge, “Get these yahoos out of my store!”
>>>”And why would she do that?”
>The sudden intrusion causes every one of the gathered ponies to jump.
>Whipping your head around, you find that the Grandmaster herself somehow approached your left without a single other pony noticing.
>”When the fuck did she get there?” the stallion asks.
>Either unbothered or oblivious to the shock her sudden appearance caused, she proceeds to lean in uncomfortably close.
>All you can see are those enchanted eyes, but you can somehow still tell she’s sneering at you.
>>>”What are you, some kind of bastard?”
>The sheer aura of this mare is doing wonders to intimidate you.
>Also the fact she funds 90% of the events your store hosts.
>>>”I set up this tournament to have NO rules. But what are you trying to do?”
>You don't answer at first, thinking it was a rhetorical question, but after a few awkward moments it becomes apparent she’s waiting on you.
“E-Enforce a rule.”
>She ‘mmm hmmm’s, before immediately turning toward the stallion.
>Clearly already done with you, she doesn't even glance back your way as she speaks once more.
>>>”Need I say more?”
>You are Anonymous the unicorn, and you’re still freaking out a little.
>She had to have teleported right?
>There’s no other way the “grandmaster” would have been able to appear without anyone noticing, right?
>But you shouldn’t focus on that, you’ve got more pressing concerns.
>It seems that, after staring down that bitch, she’s switched to staring down Cut.
>”Win your games, Paste. Get strong.”
>Cut, obviously unsure of what to say, just blinks owlishly at the mare.
>>”Um, sure. Will do.”
>Seemingly satisfied, the mare turns her gaze toward you now.
>She looks almost... disappointed?
>”And I see /you/ still aren’t wearing that make-up I got you.”
>...
>Huh?
>Pike and Cut both look to you for some sort of explanation, but you can only shrug back at them.
“I’m... sorry?”
>”I’m not mad,” Her magically altered voice nearly cuts you off, “It was only some of the finest imported Saddle Arabian make-up, and it /only/ cost me several hundred bits. I’m not mad you never used it though. Nope.”
>Okay, what the actual fuck is going on here?
>This is some major passive aggression this mare is putting out.
>It's so much that you can feel yourself instinctively leaning back in your chair, trying to put some distance between you and her.
>Thankfully, your knight in amethyst armor is there to save the day.
>>>”That’s it!” you hear Pike shout.
>With all the speed of a trained Thestral, she leaps off her chair and flies right in between you and the grandmaster, thankfully cutting off her view of you.
>>>”I’ve seen you eyeballing my colt all night!”
>Hovering in place, she jabs the mare right in the chest.
>>>”Just who the buck do you think you are? No, better, who the buck are you?”
>You just barely catch the mystery mare say ‘you dare,’ under her breath before clearing her throat.
>”*Ahem* Well, I certainly never took you for the janefilly type...SERGEANT PIKE!”
>”WHAT?” you, Pike, and Cut all shout simultaneously.
>Before the grandmaster can elaborate, or more likely so she wouldn’t have to, a smoke bomb goes off.
>All the ponies in the general vicinity are caught off guard, crying out and descending into pained coughs as the cheap costume-shop smoke fills their lungs.
>After a few moments though, you crack your weeping eyes open just enough to catch sight of the grandmaster fleeing behind a curtain that had been hung up next to the tournament bracket.
>You had just assumed that was for decoration, but the fact she was able to disappear behind it, means it must lead somewhere.
>>>”What the *cough cough* buck! What a bucking flankhole!” Pike yells in between coughs.
>She turns to Cut, who’s nearly thrown herself out of her chair in an attempt to escape the smoke’s radius.
>>>”We ought to teach her a lesson once you get to the top!”
>>>>”Oh sweet Celestia, SOMEONE SHUT OFF THE SPRINKLER SYSTEM BEFORE IT GOES OFF!” you hear the store owner scream.
>”Already did!” the muffled voice of the grandmaster replies from behind the curtain.
>“And as you can see, if I exile this program I can then play this other program to return it to my hoof. After that I’ll tap these two factories to play it again, draining you for another two life...”
>You are Cut N. Paste, and it’s the first turn.
>Either this mare got the luckiest first draw ever, or she’s a master at slight of hoof.
>You haven’t been able to even play your first card, and her combo has already drained you for six life.
>You hate decks like this, but luckily the mare’s almost perfectly clean-cut appearance clued you in to this possibility, so you’ve brought an equally unfun deck to bear.
>If only it would be your turn already!
>”And since this card untaps my factory again I think I’ll—”
>>”Oh, Anon, not here!”
>The voice stops both you and your opponent’s trains of thought in their tracks.
>It's Pike, her voice noticeably huskier.
>>>”But honey,” Anon replies, “what sort of stallion would I be if I didn’t attend to such a luxurious tuft anytime, anywhere?”
>Oh no.
>Turning your head slowly to look behind you, you see Anon and Pike are trying a new bit to throw your opponent off her game.
>They’re sitting in just the perfect position that any time your opponent looks up at you, she won’t be able to avoid seeing a sordid scene.
>That scene?
>Anon grooming Pike’s tuft in the middle of the store.
>>”Well, if you insist.”
>Anon, in an admittedly impressive display of magical prowess, forms one of his hands into a magically constructed tuftbrush and begins running it through Pike’s tuft.
>>”My my, how do you keep it so soft?”
>Tearing your eyes away from the scene you see it's already working wonders on your opponent.
>She’s completely forgotten about her cards, instead, she’s glancing between Pike’s tuft and her own, all the while letting out pained groans of inadequacy.
>She’s completely enthralled by the show, unable to play a single card.
>Unfortunately, you are too.
>You feel your head turning, almost unconsciously, back towards your herd.
>Seeing Anon run that brush through such decadent fuzz...
>H-How come he’s the only one who gets to shove his face into it...?
>What?! N-NO! Bad dyke thoughts!
>Ripping your head back to the game, you realize that if you play fast enough, maybe the dyke thoughts can’t catch you!
“I play a black factory and a 1/1 Trashy Cyborg!”
>Your shout breaks the spell on your opponent too.
>Who, based on the look on her face, may be in the same boat as you.
>Unfortunately for her, her whole deck is about taking her time!
>”I play a blue factory and uh, uh, end my turn!”
>As fast as you can, you practically tear the top card from your deck.
>Oh, perfect!
“I tap my factory to play this Company Mandate that makes all your blue factories black for the rest of the game!”
>>”BUCK!”
>You are Cut N. Paste, and you’re feeling pretty great right now.
>That last card apparently hard countered your last opponent so well that she was forced to give up on the spot!
>Sucks to be a mono-blllllllllllue!
>As a bonus, you beat her so fast that you were able to escape your dyke thoughts!
>Nope, no lingering desire to shove your face into Pike’s tuft here! You are a straight mare!
>A straight mare who’s in the semifinals!
>Only one more game and you’ll be against the grandmaster!
>Seeing as how the pony the grandmaster /was/ supposed to go up against in the semi-finals fled the store in fear.
>Just like all the previous ones.
>But, you’ll cross that bridge once you defeat...
>Xebony Darknessx?
>You squint at the nametag for a moment, before the mare herself takes the seat across from you.
>As she does, it all becomes perfectly clear.
>Before you is a lanky Thestral mare, so caked in LARP paint (it's NOT makeup) and fur dye that you couldn't even begin to guess what her natural colors were.
>As it stands, she’s an indescribable mish-mash of white, black, and red.
>Not a moment of color theory or panning went into her look, and it's obvious why.
>She’s dressed as a Queendom Hearts OC.
>With all the flourish of somepony who’s read too much manga, she practically slams her deck onto the table face up, proud to show her theme.
>Based on the fact the card is a black construct that requires no less than five black productions, you’re betting every card in that deck is black.
>”As the 15th member of Organization 13,” Xebony shouts, “I will use the power of darkness to defeat you!”
>You can hear Anon do a spit take from behind you when he hears ‘Organization 13’.
>Impressive, considering you don’t think he was drinking anything.
>Hmmm, the best counter to a mono-black deck then is probably a blue/red aggro...
>No, you won’t just play whatever deck best counters hers.
>You don’t need to.
>Reaching into your saddlebag, you pull out the perfect deck.
“Everypony knows Dream Drop Distance sucked.”
>Dramatically slamming your deck onto the table the same way she did, you reveal your deck’s theme.
>Colorless production.
“Real Organization 13 members use nothingness.”
>Xebony gasps.
>”How dare you! That series was great! I’ll defeat you in the name of Master NoHeart!”
>Already anticipating the looks they’ll have on their faces, you look over your shoulder at Anon and Pike who’ve taken their places behind you.
>Anon, expectedly, looks like he’s only barely holding in his laughter, Pike meanwhile looks deeply disturbed.
“Sit this one out, you two. I’ve got this.”
>”PATHETIC! Nothingness! Is! Eternal!”
>You are Anonymous, and you’re happy for Cut, you really are.
>She’s really gotten into her semi-finals game.
>From what you can gather, Kingdom Hearts truly is the autism that transcends all dimensions.
>How fitting.
>>”Wrong! All things begin in darkness!” Shouts the mare wearing a pound of make-up, “And all so end! Including your behemoth!”
>You hear Pike sigh for the umpteenth time tonight from beside you.
>>>”I honestly can’t tell if this is worse than when she was screaming at the filly.”
>You chuckle and nudge her with your elbow.
”Cut her some slack, it's charming!”
>A statement that for /some reason/ makes her roll her eyes.
“Hey!”
>>>”You said the same thing about me blearily echolocating the bathroom at five AM.”
>Harrumphing, you turn away from her in faux-indignation.
“And it was! In fact, I’d have even called it...”
>Cracking a smile, you look back at her without turning her head.
“.../Cute/.”
>In a moment she’s leaped to her hooves, already gesticulating wildly.
>>”HEY! My tribe did NOT spend the past several millennia magically honing our senses to hunt monsters at maximum efficiency for you to call it CUTE!”
“I dunnoooo~ooooo!” you playfully reply, “I bet Cut would call it cute too.”
>Now it's Pike’s turn to harrumph and playfully look away.
>>>”As if, she understands the sis code! She’d never!”
>”NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”
>You are Cut N. Paste, and you’ve just stuck the killing blow!
>Standing up on your chair, you throw your hoof toward your opponent and cry out in triumph.
“YES! Without anything to block my flying golems, your life points drop to ZERO!”
>With a commitment to the bit that impresses even you, the mare throws herself out of her chair and onto the floor with a painful thud.
>Once on the ground, she poses dramatically.
>Putting one hoof over her heart, she desperately reaches the other out in front of her.
>”Impossible! Queendom Hearts, fill me with the power of darkness!” she cries with all the finality of a dying mare.
>Holding the pose for just a moment more, she then goes limp with a “bleh”.
>Almost simultaneously, you feel the adrenaline leave your body, and you limply fall back onto your chair.
>Now that it's gone, you realize you were panting!
>Mare, that was intense.
>You’re honestly a little surprised you won that.
>Colorless decks are really hard to run.
>But, you did it!
>All on your own, without Pike or Anon helping out!
>Speaking of, the feeling of Anon’s hoof on your shoulder informs you they’ve left their seats to join your side.
>>”Bravo, bravo!” Anon says as he comes into view, “I wish I brought my camera.”
>Despite yourself, you blush with pride (and a bit of embarrassment).
>Normally, letting your coltfriend see you act out a Queendom Hearts RP through a card game would be unthinkable.
>But when Anon’s your coltfriend...
>>>”See, we told you you could do it!” Pike chimes in as she comes around to your other side.
>Giving you a playful punch in the shoulder and a smile, she continues, “That was the semifinals too. So she wasn’t going easy on you!”
>With a surprise boop, Anon pulls your attention back to him.
>>”Don’t think you’re getting out of showing me all that scott-free though. I am absolutely going to make you do a Kingdom Hearts sex RP one of these nights and I /will/ be laughing my flanks off the entire time.”
>Okay, you know your pupils have turned into hearts now.
>What could you possibly have done to deserve this colt?
“As long as you’re Karl and I get to be Sukai. Oh! And-and Pike can be Rikku!”
>You can hear Pike groan.
>>>”I’ll sit that one out. Thank you very much.”
>Her reaction makes Anon smile like Discord himself.
>>”You sure, hon? Don’t you want to rave about the power of darkness while I ‘battle’ you with my ‘keyblade’?”
>You turn back toward Pike, trying to gauge her reaction.
>What starts as a steadfast frown, slowly turns around at the thought of trying to ‘conquer’ the two of you with ‘darkness’.
>>>”Okay, maybe.”
“Yes!” you quietly cheer.
>>>>”If you three are quite done discussing your freaky sex plans...” a sudden fourth voice interrupts.
>Almost in sync, the three of you swivel your heads toward the source, one of the judges who approached while all of you were distracted.
>>>>”...then the Grandmaster awaits you in her chambers.”
>The mare gestures with her hoof toward the curtain, which now seems so much more imposing and imperious than it did before.
“*Gulp*”
>This mare has managed to terrify this whole room of flankholes into running in fear at the mere thought of playing against her.
>What does she do?
>Sure you’ve been doing great so far, but can you really measure up to that?
>While these questions bother you, they certainly don’t seem to be bothering your companions.
>>”Fuck yeah, I’m still mad about that smoke bomb from earlier. Let’s kill this cunt!”
>>>”Anon you can’t say that!”
Did you forget your password? The classic blunder.
5597148
Unfortunately it's much more annoying. I had firefox update the secure key I generated for it to a new secure key, and it didn't update what key was saved in my log in info. Smdh that's what I get for not manually writing it down.
My only complaint about this is that there isn't more of it.
And "Squeaker" was hilarious, and also horrifyingly accurate. I never personally played the sorts of games that attract them, but I have waited out FLGS events that featured such games because my own thing was happening afterward. All too many times, there was some little trog barely old enough to have hair under their arms and talking shit like they were getting paid by the word for it. And a checked-out suburbanite parent (usually some variety of Karen, but not always) who would flat refuse to believe that their little precious could ever act that way in public, no sirree!
5597516
Thank ya! And oh lord, I've never actually had to deal with one in person but that sounds fucking awful.
At first I thought the Grandmaster might be Celestia, but now I hope its either a noble mare we've never seen before, or Luna
I really want to see her be another noble mare Anon might have talked to while staying in the castle, but if its Luna than I'll be find with that. She's from a more traditional society and with Anon being established as very tall and handsome for a stallion might have been a sight for moon eyes. With his personality, he might have been one of the genuine faces in Canterlot not after for her title, and this might have spurred a crush from the Princess.
Hopefully, you'll take care of everything, and good luck!
5600116
Thank ya! The guys who runs ponepaste said he'd respond to me "soon", so the fact his responce requires more than a "ur fucked lol" gives me a lot of hope.
And I'm very excited for the reveal, I've only ever seen 2 people guess it right so I'm excited for how much this'll blindside people
Good luck on getting back your account on ponepaste. As for who the grandmaster is, my guess is blueblood.
5601125
Of course it's Blueblood. Beauty advice and gifted makeup? It HAS to be the Prince. The best part, Anon almost certainly threw the makeup away. Blueblood's gonna pop a gasket when he finds out, and I am SO waiting for it!Edit: ...and then I remember that Prince Blueblood has BLUE eyes, so unless they're changing their color(s) (at which point all guesses are null and void) It can't be the Prince, though it would be funny as shit if it were him.
5600166
The only guess I have is Autumn Blaze? They're the only canon character I can think of that remotely matches the color scheme. Unless you're stretching the 'yellow' part and then it might be Raven, but her eyes are actually tan. Besides those two, the only story specific characters I would've guessed aren't the right colors, or haven't been explicitly described.
5601693
The eyecolor is magically changed as part of the disguise
5601729
Welp, then the only thing I can do is go with my gut and guess Blueblood. I guess I'll have to wait and see. I eagerly look forward to what comes next!