AHAHA FINALLY I'VE DONE IT more Long and Short of It

>You, Anonymous the Unicorn, stirred in your slumber. 
>After yesterday, you felt like you could’ve slept for a week.
>Celestia always brings that damn sun up, so here you were waking up once again.
>Gently moving your big old hoof around the covers, you play out an unusual morning ritual that’s worked its way into your repertoire.
>Eventually you bump it into someone, and a quick ruffle of her fur confirms it’s Cut.
>Then it occurs to you: is it weird you’re able to tell Pike and Cut apart by how fuzzy they are?
>Hmmm.
>Trying not to face the harsh reality of the answer to that question, you continue idly running your hoof through Cut’s fur.
>You don’t know what she’s been doing, but it's been a lot softer recently! 
>Cut clearly appreciates the attention, cooing softly in her sleep and scooting up against you.
>Heh, if Pike’s your huggable living teddy bear, Cut’s your squeezable living pillow.
>Hey, speaking of your living teddy bear... she doesn’t seem to be around.
>Or at least you can’t feel her.
>Which is odd, it's a rarity for her not to either be on top of you or under you in some way.
>Seeing as her bat brain seldom has her up before you.
>You’ve often wondered how she doesn’t find those positions uncomfortable, but then again /you’ve/ never found them uncomfortable either.
>Some weird pony thing you suppose.
>Almost as weird as your damn hyperactive nose!
>A nose that’s smelling... breakfast. Lots and LOTS of breakfast, the most intense breakfast you’ve ever smelled!
>Your eyes snap open in perfect sync with Cut’s.
>”Do you..?”
>You nod back.
>Now that you’re focusing on it, it smells like someone cooked an entire breakfast buffet in your own damn house!
>Still shaking off the dregs of sleep, you and Cut languidly flop off Pike’s shortened bed and trot out of the bedroom.
>Only to find that the kitchen counters have, in actuality, been filled to the brim with plates of breakfast food.
>You aren’t sure what else you expected.
>”EEEEeeeeeEEEEeeee...”
>Your head whips toward the defeated sound.
>Their lies Pike, face up on the ground, looking utterly deflated.
>”eeeeeee...”
>Without hesitation you rush to her side.
Lifting the small bat in your hooves, you cry out: “PIKE! Speak to me!”
>Her eyes roll over to focus on you.
>”Eeeee— Oh, hey you two. I,” she interrupts herself with a wide yawn, “I didn’t hear you get up.”
>You blearily look around the room, once again taking in the breadth of the meal set before you.
“I mean, not that I don’t appreciate a surprise breakfast. But what is all this?”
>Unsteadily, she extracts herself from your hooves, still blinking the sleep out of her eyes. 
>“Oh, this? I woke up a little earlier than usual so I figured I’d... you know, put something together!”
>”A /little/ earlier?” Cut marvels under her breath. “This must have taken hours...”
>You think Cut’s right. Based on the state of Pike and the sheer amount of food, it seems like “a little earlier” is a serious understatement.
>But why? Pike /hates/ getting up early. 
>Even years of guard training never managed to get that out of her.
>There’s definitely something more going on here.
>Heck, it left her so out of it she didn’t even notice Cut say anything, and she’s got the best hearing here!
>”Then when I was done, I realized I still had some time and didn’t know what to do and—”
>She interrupts herself with another fanged yawn.
>Alright, enough is enough you say.
“Well, let’s get you back in bed and then we can worry about eating.”
>”What? No! Eat now while it's still warm!”
>Knowing she’s far too weak to fight back, you assert yourself as the man of the house and throw her over your shoulder.
>”Nooooo! Anoooooon!” she feebly cries.
“No buts! Back to bed!”
>She struggles the whole way back of course, but compared to what you know she’s capable of, this is nothing.
>Heck, by the time you’ve even gotten back to the bed, /that/ even seems like too much for her.
>She’s resigned herself to quietly mumbling about being “marehandled” under her breath and nothing more.
>But, you’re taking no chances.
>Very gently, you levitate her over and act quick as a flash!
>Before she could even hope to wiggle free, you’ve got her wrapped in a blanket cocoon of impenetrable might.
>Which, in her current state, means she’s now stuck on the bed no matter /what/ she does.
>”Nooo! I’m not a moth, I'm a baaaaaaaaat...” she cries.
>But not even a moment later, those melted away to the soft sounds of a snoozing Pike.
>You let out a relieved sigh and turned around just in time to catch Cut walking in with three plates carefully balanced on her back.
>Aaaah she was going to serve everyone some breakfast in bed, that genius!
>She knows she’s a  genius too, you can see the wisps of a satisfied smile on her face.
>At least until she focuses too much on balancing the plates and trips over her hooves.
>”WoooOOOAAAHH!”
>For a moment it almost looks like she’s going to salvage it.
>She leans into the stumble, hard. 
>So hard that she actually manages to keep the plates from immediately flying off her back.
>Unfortunately, it was also so hard there was no way for her to recover.
>The lean rapidly turned into a fall, pulling her hooves right out from under her.
>But just when the plates start to leave her back...
>You reach out.
>Being a unicorn, who you’ve decided must be the most OP of the tribes, you’re unconstrained by things like distance or number
>You don’t have to throw yourself off the bed and rush over to Cut so you can catch her, you just /do/.
>Before even a crumb can hit the ground, Cut and all three plates are perfectly caught in your hands like you’re Spiderman.
>It takes Cut a second to open her eyes, having clenched them shut in anticipation for her reunion with the floor.
>When she does, she silently sends you a grateful smile.
>Which you must say goes /fantastic/ with her embarrassed blush.
>Seeing as you’re already on a roll today, you decide to hoist Cut into the bed directly for some of that breakfast in bed.
>She is heavier than Pike, obviously, but with a few extra hands...
>Wait, would that actually help? 
>It's all going back to your horn anyway. 
>Would distributing the weight further /actually/ result in less strain if it requires you to project more hands to do so?
>What’s the baseline thaumic strain per hand to weight lifting ratio?
>...you’re going to kill this line of thought before you lose your focus and drop her.

>You are Nocturnal Pike, and you just had one weird dream.
>You woke up /really/ early, but despite that, you were unusually ready and raring to go!
>So ready to work in fact, that you decided to capitalize on these feelings of domesticity and surprise your herd with some breakfast!
>Breakfast you made, only to realize there were still a good couple of hours before they’d be up.
>Which left you with nothing to do but make something else!
>And something else. And something else...
>Why does the entire house smell like breakfast food?
>”W-Well I’m not exactly the most /well-versed/ in magical theory. But if I had to guess, the weight distribution seems like it would offset the cost of maintaining the hands up to a certain point.”
>”Ah but I want to know what that point is! Although, it would probably vary by weight. Hmmm damn.”
>Great. First thing in the morning and your herd’s already being NERDS.
>Better put a stop to that!
>You attempt to stretch your hooves, only to realize you can’t move them at all.
>It feels like you’re wrapped in something. Wrapped TIGHT.
>Snapping your eyes open, you find yourself bound to the bed. 
>Wrapped in a blanket cocoon that seems suspiciously familiar.
>Oh no.
“Anon.”
>He pauses mid-bite of some even more suspiciously familiar breakfast food.
>”Oh you’re up!”
“I didn’t turn everything in the ice box into a gigantic breakfast, did I?” you flatly ask.
>He shares a sheepish look with Cut.
>”Well, not /everything/.”
>Oh no! It was real! It was all real!
>Awwwww what were you THINKING!? Is everypony supposed to eat breakfast leftovers for the next week?!
>It had just been so... fun!
>It was /fun/ to try out all those new recipes knowing that Anon and Cut would eventually dig into them.
>All without even the slightest fear of reprimand.
>Besides, it's not like you had anything else to do in what counted as the wee hours of the morning for you.
>”This quiche is really good, Pike!” Cut says between mouthfuls. “I didn’t even know we /had/ pastry dough!”
>You let out a sigh, still a little disappointed in yourself for getting so lost in the moment.
>But... you suppose it's not all bad. 
>Massive waste of food or not, neither of /them/ seem particularly upset about it.
>If anything it seems like they love it! 
>You can spy a plate left out for you, but an attempt to reach for it just serves to remind you that you are still functionally imprisoned here.
>Sure, you could probably fight your way out of it. But where’s the fun in that?
“Are you two going to unwrap me?”
>You nod your head toward the food they left.
“Or is this one of those restaurants where the waiter hoof feeds you?”
>Anon’s eyebrow shoots in that adorable way it does whenever you say something that offends his human stallion sensibilities.
>”Wha— no. You are messing with me.” He turns towards Cut, concern creeping into his voice. “That’s not real.”
>Focusing as hard as you can, you pray she picks up on your mental cues.
>Times like this you wish she was a bat.
>There are few things better than talking at frequencies other tribes can’t hear right in front of them.
>She blushes, “Well, uh I don’t know anything about that—”
>NOOOOO!
>”—but Aunt Jargon made me go to a restaurant where we ate /off/ of a stallion once. It was uh... not great.”
>Huh, that was a /very/ convincing delivery by Cut.
>Too convincing.
>Anon rolls his eyes, "Okay, now I KNOW you two are full of it.”
>”It's true!” she cries, “She wanted to celebrate some award the paper got, so she dragged me along!”
>Cut crosses her forehooves like she’s incensed, but she seems more sad than anything.
>”I don’t even LIKE sushi. And the stallion was really weird about it too.”
>You don’t really want to admit it, but you’re starting to believe this really isn’t a joke.
>Cut’s humor rarely leans toward absurdism, and this seems too out there to even be funny!
>Anon still clearly doesn’t believe her, “And what, was he naked? Oh ew, was there hair in the sushi!?”
>A shameful blush colors Cut’s face, and she completely refuses to look either of you in the eyes.
>Okay, either her acting’s gotten way more convincing, or she’s not joking.
>Whispering, she replies, “Full tack.”
>Your heart stops.
>Anon, his weak Unicorn hearing not tipping him off, asks, “Sorry, what?”
>This time, Cut manages to get her voice above a whisper.
>”H-He was in full tack.”
>Uhhhhh WHAT!?
>There is not a doubt in your mind she’s not joking now, that reaction was too real. 
>The heck was Jargon thinking!? 
>Cut STILL has trouble keeping it together when things get lewd, and that's with her /coltfriend/.
>In what world would putting her in that situation be a good idea?
>You're all lucky the poor mare didn't have a stress-induced heart attack! 
>The reality of the situation is rapidly dawning on Anon now too.
>Now with far less mirth, he asks, “What, like that horse riding stuff you two wanted me to buy at Silkens?”
>Cut only barely manages a nod, before locking eyes with her hooves and starting to idly tap them together.
>A tell you instantly recognize as something she does whenever she’s embarrassed.
>Anon, who clearly also believes her now, is flabbergasted, “Why on Earth did Jargon do that?”
>Cut flinches ever so slightly, and grimaces at the memory.
>”S-Something about it being easier to talk to stallions after I’d seen one dressed up. I don’t remember.”
>Stars damn it, that is EXACTLY how that idiot would justify it.
>An angry screech starts to build in the back of your throat, but you force it down.
>Add that to the long list of reasons you hope Jargon puts you in a self-defense situation one day.
>Anon was obviously equally unenthused.
>While he shook his head in disapproval, his mind was no doubt already slinging expletives never before heard by ponykind. 
>”Unbelievable,” he mutters. “There’s something wrong with you ponies.”
>WHAT!? Hey wait a minute!
>Who’s Anon think he is, trying to act holier than thou and lay this on the equine race?
>You’ve heard his stories about humans and you’re not going to take such SLANDER lying down!
>Deciding it is decisively not fun to keep waiting, you fight valiantly against the blankets constricting you.
>Thanks to some choice applications of your finest anti-grappling techniques, you eventually loosen the knot.
>Then, with naught but a flex of your marely mare muscles, you are freed!
 >Anon was so busy smiling at your fight he couldn’t even hope to prepare himself for your accusatory boop.
>It of course lands true, and he lets out an adorable, “wooah!”
“Don’t you start mister! I’d bet my fangs humans had the same thing— no, something even weirder!”
>He shakes it off, and you note he’s getting better at recovering from those.
>”Nuh uh! I NEVER heard about something like that happening back home! What would even be the point? Beat off while you eat?”
>Anon stops dead as a look of true horror blooms on his face.
>One that mirrors yours.
>It seems the same horrible revelation occurred to you the same moment it did to him.
>Slowly, fearfully, the two of you turn back to Cut.
>His voice was uncharacteristically unsteady as he asked, “Jargon didn’t... y-you know... did she?”
>Cut blinks, her eyes lacking comprehension.
>”Did she what?”
>You and Anon share another uneasy look.
>Neither of you want to say it, to breathe the horrifying possibility into existence.
>So you settle for making a certain hoof motion every mare knows.
>This time her eyes light up.
>”Oh. Oh! EWWW! NO! What is wrong with the two of you!?”
>Anon raises his hooves defensively.
>”Hey, hey, you’ve gotta admit Cut: your family’s let you see some pretty weird stuff.”
>Like the wind was sucked right out from beneath her metaphorical wings, her righteous indignation evaporates.
>”W-Well I guess I see what you mean. But she wouldn’t do that!”
>You and Anon double-team her with a flat look, but surprisingly she stands her ground.
>”She /wouldn’t/.”
>He chuckles, “Yeah, well I don’t believe you. And that’s just /another/ reason why you and I are going to play hooky today!”
>You stop, utterly surprised.
>It's not abnormal for Anon to skip work, but Cut too?
>Besides, you’d fully expected to spend the day alone at home to test out being a housewife.
“Since when?”
>”Since you were out cold. We discussed it and seeing as /someone/ decided to blow through nearly every bit of foodstuff we had at our apartment, I figured the three of us could take a trip to the market. Spend some time together.”
>That certainly doesn’t sound like a bad idea!
>Although, you feel there’s something “off” about it.
>Something you can’t quite put your hoof on.
>Ah well, it probably doesn’t matter.
>Cut buts in, “A-And while that still sounds like a good idea, I can’t just not show up to work! I’m the chief editor!”
>Hmm, she seems oddly reserved about the idea of not skipping work.
>Cut’s work ethic was nothing to sneeze at, you’d think she’d have an easier time standing her ground on an issue like that.
>Certainly an easier time than defending that creep Jargon.
>Is there something going on here?
>Anon rolls his eyes, “And /I/ said don’t worry about it! Just blame it on “whimsical” old me.”
>”But—”
>”It’ll be /fine/. Just tell Jargon I insisted we spend the day giving you exposure therapy to my balls or something.”
>The room goes silent, only the sound of Cut’s dropped fork hitting the plate rings out.
>You know she’s thinking what you’re thinking.
“Or, now hear me out, instead of going to the market we could /actually/—”
>”Oh hush.”

>But unbeknownst to all of them, a grim warning lay in wait just outside their door.
>A warning Anon himself had written and would subsequently ignore.
>On the calendar, in big bold red letters was the message: “STALLIONS' BARGAIN DAY AT THE MARKET: DO NOT GO SHOPPING”.

Comments

[HorseWordFan]

Almost four months, and we only get a bat burrito, the pervert's lunch, and the promise of market mayhem to come? You're a filthy tease .

[artofwar77]

Absence has only made our hearts grow fonder and more appreciative of what we have.
And it makes us all the hungrier for all the MOAR HORSEWORDS PLEASE! that we don't have.

Delightful and amusing as ever, this release's horsewords.
Hints of and glimpses into how this world works and the promise of an even closer look next release.
Much closer than Anon would enjoy, it suggests, much to our presumed amusement.

[SQA]

5754728
Lololol! Yeah, originally this was meant to be all one big update with the bargain day. But, after I realized it had been four months, I figured it best to just put this out. I blame it partially on my cross country move, but it's largely just because I was writers blocked hard. But I'm over the hump now, so new updates should be coming much faster!

5754736
Ooooh yeah. All three of them are about to have some close encounters of the catty kind. I'm glad it was worth the wait 🙏

[technofan]

Imagine anon pulling a saitama and punching anyone who gets in between him and bargain day shopping