The Universe Hates My Sense of Self Worth. · 5:39am Feb 27th, 2021
I've said before that I'm a terrible pony. Yes I believe that. I may be better than many, but that doesn't stop me from believing I should be better than I am...
So anyways, I got a phone call from my parents tonight. They, getting up in years have begun the process of moving their estate into a trust to help streamline the transition when they eventually pass on. They called to ask if I would be willing to be the trustee. I am a middle child of three. Basically it means after they die I am in charge of how all their assets get distributed. I'm honored but at the same time thinking "WTF did my siblings do that I was chosen over them?! I'm the nutcase who moved to the far side of the country and hasn't visited in years!" I have my suspicions, but typing them out felt like I was being horribly unfair to my siblings.
But still, I don't feel like any kind of responsible adult. I'm a fraud who'd desperately trying to play the part and hoping the world doesn't notice until it's too late. And yet, here I am basically being told that I am trustworthy and responsible. Really, no! I'm not. I'm impulsive and reckless. I can barely keep my head afloat. And then I realize that I'm not being chosen because I'm trustworthy and responsible. I'm being chosen because I'm more trustworthy and responsible than any other available options. Luna help us all...
Also, I'll downvote any comment that tries to convince me that I'm better than I am.
That's the secret, it's all of us who do that. Imposter syndrome is a real bitch, but it's rarely ever justified. If they see you as worthy of being a trustee, then surely you are doing something right at least.
Go ahead and downvote me, I meant what I said last time. I don't why you continue with this line of thinking that you're somehow horrible. You seem to interpret your own actions in something like the worst possible light. As an outside observer, you don't look too bad, and you get after yourself for any shortcoming in relationships, far more than is justified. So many of us wish to do better, to be better. I know that just as well as you, and my own failures echo uncomfortably in my mind. But we all live with mistakes and find a way to move forward. We must see them for what they are, mistakes, not indictments of our entire self.
Otherwise, we risk becoming ensnared in our own self-loathing and hurting not just ourselves, but maybe even those near us. We can't let perfect be the enemy of good.
5462955
A little glimpse into my twisted worldview: we are all terrible ponies. Some of us are just less terrible than others.
As I said, before, I am a terrible pony because I can't be a better pony. I know that doesn't really make sense. I also know it's impossible to help everyone. That's part of the problem. I help some people at the expense of others. I have to because the only other option is to not help anybody. And then I would be a horrible pony.
A small but important distinction: terrible ponies are not intentionally malicious and may even try to be better while horrible ponies know they're terrible and actively choose to continue to be so. You should never hear me call myself a horrible pony and if you do, something, somewhere, has gone very wrong.
I suppose you could also look at it that if I am a terrible pony, that means I have the ability to be a better pony. But if I'm a good pony then I don't need to try to be better and would quickly become a horrible pony. I see myself as a terrible pony because the only alternative is to be worse.
But then I also tend to define my worth more by how I can (or can't) help others rather than what I have accomplished for myself. Yet, I do also recognize the conflict that I can only help others if I, myself, am in a position to do so. Helping others so often requires the sacrifice of accomplishment, but one must first be accomplished in order to better help others. So I get stuck in this endless Do Loop.
It also keeps me from expecting help or kindness from others. They are allowed* to help, but it's never expected and I can only ever be pleasantly surprised. Yes, this all tends to leave me feeling like a grumpy, cynical misanthrope. But I generally try to smother those feelings by being less of a terrible pony.
*This is a technicality. Just because you're allowed, doesn't mean I'm any good at accepting it and will often discourage help because I genuinely feel I don't deserve it nearly as much as others.
5462966
You're right, it does not make sense. All you will do is run yourself ragged thinking like this. If your criteria for being good is that there is no more room to improve, then indeed, no one is good. But that is hardly true. If it were, then being a good person would be the same as being a perfect person, which is obviously impossible.
There are so many good people out there with various shortcomings. They struggle and try, and that is the mark of someone who can at the very least become good in time. This brings me back to what I was before about letting perfect be the enemy of good. If we call ourselves terrible for not being good enough for perfection, then we consign ourselves to dissatisfaction and disappointment, with diminished ability to appreciate what is still good.
I dearly wish I could help the whole world, but I am limited. There's only so much I can do at once, much to my dismay. I am only one person, and so are you. Though again, if we get after ourselves after setting such unrealistic standard that we end up with low self-worth because we helped some people instead of others; we just set ourselves up for failure.
Though I honestly get what you're saying about getting stuck in a loop about this, certainly.
That entire line of thinking is wrong, and it's one I myself have to try to break... Help is something that everyone should be able to receive. Is there anyone on earth who has not been lucky while another fell ill to calamity? Do they deserve punishment? Is there anyone alive who has not suffered while another has prospered? Do they deserve some kind of benefit for it? We all are cursed and gifted in unequal measure.
From what I believe, everyone could use support, without necessarily needing to have "earned" it under some kind of moral system. Who knows, let's say you're right about not having "earned" it as much as others. You, as a person still could use the help, and that's what matters.
That's a hard mood. I was very surprised that they let me have kids. Like, shouldn't there be a test or something? Don't they know how irresponsible I am? Ah well. Fake it till you make it.
This is wisdom. Good ponies are the ones who try to be slightly less terrible.
My advice? Take the job. The least worst choice is still the best choice, and the ensuing farce will be slightly less disastrous for having someone who is aware of how unsuited they are for the task.
I’m going to pull a wild metaphor here. Your doubts remind me of Jake wondering if he’s going to be a good father in Brooklyn Nine-Nine. The fact that you’re worried about it means you’ll do fine.
Now go ahead and down vote me you coward.
Also watch Brooklyn Nine-Nine it’s fucking fantastic
5462990
I think that you're confusing 'terrible pony' with 'bad pony'. I don't see myself as a bad pony. Yes, I have a low opinion of my self worth, but that is a worth defined for its own sake and not as a comparison against others. When I say we are all terrible ponies, I mean that. Not as individuals, but as a faceless mob. I honestly hold very little faith in our species. That doesn't mean others aren't worth helping, quite the opposite. But if I have no information to go on, I expect that help will not be freely given. Individuals may stand out as those who will, but they are the exception, not the rule. And I help anyways, without expectation of return, because if I don't, I cannot expect anybody else to do so. And I will not have that on my conscience. Like I said, a grumpy, cynical misanthrope.
Also, deserving of help is different from earning help. If it's earning help, I am quite certain I'm ahead of the curve. But I am not in need. I have a job. I have a roof over my head. I have food on my table. I am healthy and (most would claim) mentally fit. More often than not, help rendered to me would better serve society at large if it were directed to others.
Also, stop making me downvote your comments! It feels icky!
5463028
Sorry, I can't downvote your comment. I'm only downvoting comments that try to convince me that I'm not a terrible pony. I already do my best to not be a horrible pony. There's a difference. Hot coco with marshmallows? *offers steaming mug*
5463123
This guy gets it! And I did say yes, for basically that exact reason.
5463268
Nono. You only get a downvote if you try to convince me I'm not a terrible pony. Trying to convince me I'll do an acceptable job is a whole different argument (and one I already agree with).