So That Happened · 6:41pm Jan 1st, 2021
I just read over my last blog post, and anybody who actually knows me could tell you I was NOT in my normal headspace yesterday. Wow. Anyways, got a night's rest. Fitful as I managed to roll over wrong and pull a muscle just below my last rib. It spent the next couple hours cramping no matter how I shifted position or massaged it. But rest. and rest is good.
So, first! In case my friend I mentioned reads this, YES, I consider you a friend and NOT an obligation. I came off as really insensitive in my last post. I am GENUINELY sorry. I'd just tell them that directly, but as I made the blunder public, I should make the apology open as well.
Also, I didn't mention it, but had meant to (see my comment about not being in my normal headspace), the whole "finding a place to get tested" disaster meant that I didn't get to send them a note until well into the evening. Which I also felt bad about, especially as I has just explained to them that our group's relationship was not one of obligation and aside from emotional attachment, any of us could ghost the others without repercussions. Yay timing?
Sometimes I am a terrible pony.
Which leads me to something I've been coming to realize. Yes, I genuinely believe I am a terrible pony. No, you can't convince me other wise and no, I'm not looking for anypony to try. But the realization is just why I feel I am a terrible pony. No it won't make sense. I am a terrible pony because I am not a better pony. I can't help people as much as I want to or think I should be able to. I am a terrible pony because other ponies deserve better than I can give them.
And now I'm really rambling. I might not be as back in my normal headspace as I'd like... *le sigh*
I don't even really think I should post this because it's just sympathy bait... But Luna dammit, something tells me I should.
Hugs. The fact that you don’t want to be a horrible pony is proof you’re not a terrible pony. You’re a pony pony, who makes mistakes and has things they can improve, like every other pony.
Do you want help being a better pony?
We're all terrible ponies on this bus. Hang in there.
5426749
See? Sympathy bait. And help being a better pony, no. I wish others were better ponies. I wish others didn't need the help from me because there were so many besides myself (and a small percentage of others) willing to help out as well. I wish helping others was the normal expectation and not the revered exception. I wish there weren't so many who would happily take advantage of such a situation to either enrich themselves at the expense of the rest or to just coast along on others assistance.
Deep down, I'm just angry and frustrated and tired with the world. In a couple days I'll be over it and back to my usual quiet self.
5426882
Like I said, sympathy bait. There's really nothing anybody could realistically do.
edit: Ha! This comment number ended in triple zeros. I am amused by this.
5427000
And sounds like how to draw boundaries and be reasonably assertive is something you struggle with.
5427184
Not really. If I reasonably feel that someone isn't helping themselves, I feel no remorse in leaving them to their own devices. It's more akin to wanting to live in a communist utopia butting heads with the harsh reality of greed and sloth.
I feel bad I can't help more. I would feel exponentially worse if I didn't help at all.
I don't care what you think you can't be convinced of. You're not a terrible person, not matter what you may believe. I have no reason to believe this, and on the contrary, I have plenty of reason to think you're someone who cares pretty deeply about a lot of things in a positive way. Everyone makes mistakes, and you and I are no different.
5427000
It's not sympathy bait to post about something that's troubling you like this, and something you feel you should apologize for. In truth, I don't think your previous post yesterday was that bad. Your friend, whoever they are, can probably tell just fine that you don't see them as some kind of obligation, I did not even get that vibe really. It was just a bit self-deprecating really.