A Clearer State of Mind · 1:39am Nov 25th, 2020
Alright, let's do this. Hello everybody. Guys, gals and non-binary pals. I may have went a little cookoo bird last night, but with someone like me, it's bound to happen every once in a while.
I'm still not doing great, but I am still functioning and suicide is no longer at the fore-front of my thoughts. So I apologize if I made anyone worry.
I don't like reading my own blog posts. The further I go back, the more sappy and sometimes whiny they become, even if I'm speaking in a more mature tone than I would now. And the recent ones I don't like seeing the kind of things I've said, especially the things I've said when manic. The depressive stuff is explainable to some extent, but fully and whole-heartedly believing random, companies that claim they want you as their 'ambassador' when you're just a random person with under 200 insta followers is insane. I can't even begin to tell you the amount of stupid things I managed to convince myself were rational, ranging from looking at million dollar homes and telling myself that's where I'm going to live right after college to becoming a sugar baby for a week and a half.
Point is,
I'm sorry
I'll try to do better
Please check in with your loved ones
Positive vibes.
At least you're not on the suicidal side of things, so there's that. I've had bipolar disorder for years myself, so even if I'm on mediation and overall stable, I'm aware of the manic stuff, and I used to be worse, even suicidal a couple of times, when I was a little younger.
"I am still functioning and suicide is no longer at the fore-front of my thoughts."
I'm just ambling through, reading blogs, and I don't know you personally, but this is always good news. It's good to hear you're doing okay.
Also, because I don't know you and don't have an internal "voice" for you that I read your blog post in, I heard it in Eda's voice because of your icon. Her speaking voice goes really well with your writing voice.
I don’t like looking at anything I made. I hate my past self a lot more than anyone else, because I remember more about who I used to be. I hope I’m getting better now, but sometimes I’m not sure.