The Book of Brady: Excerpts from a Forgotten Book of Scripture, Chapter 3

Found on the riverbanks of the Potomac River, these scriptures were translated by a random homeless dude in DC and will be released to the world in small snippets. The original records were sold off to the National Library in exchange for $200, a Costco coupon book, and a bucket of The Colonel's Extra Spicy Crispy Fried Chicken.

Chapter 3

1. And now it shall come to pass, in thy lifetime of fandom, thou shalt be exposed to an exotic genre known as anime, which if chosen right shall be a blessing unto thee, but if chosen wrong shall be a curse upon thy head; therefore heed my words, o my son, and perish not in the rut of hentai.

2. Behold, the origins of anime were for a long time unknown, but fasting and prayer hath revealed unto us the first manga; a cave drawing of one ape-man beating up another ape-man. And there were little fans in such a time; and we attribute it unto the terrible artwork.

3. At first, our mothers called them “those Chinese cartoons,” but after many generations, and much faith and prayer unto the Lord, it hath finally been revealed unto us that they actually come from a place called “Japan,” which to our best knowledge is located somewhere in Asia.

4. Legendary anime have been common knowledge amongst the world; Goku and Dragon Ball Z are known among even the Gentiles. If thou truly desireth to see this, none shall stop thee, but surely thou shalt enjoy other things made in the present day.

5. Consider the automobile; if a man with no knowledge of cars asketh of thee, wilt thou not think of a modern-day Chevrolet, or a Ferrari, or a limo or station wagon, instead of the very first automobile in the 1890s? For certain, it is important to the history of automobiles, yet thou hast chosen a modern example to get a better picture in his head, and build upon the predecessors instead.

6. Now, my son, do not suppose I say there are no classics thou must watch. Verily, verily, I say unto you, some classics in the 90s outperform certain anime today; Berzerk, Cowboy Bebop, Neon Genesis Evangelion, and Legend of the Galactic Heroes, the latter of which no one has actually seen, but everyone has in their “Watch Later” category.

7. And it came to pass that there were once three giants in anime, but are now relics of the bygone era of the 2000s; and these were Naruto, and Bleach, and One Piece.

8. For within these three was bound the Otaku nation of the early 2000s, and while the anime was blessed, and led many to the medium, also led to unsurpassed cringe, which the Lord frowneth upon.

9. And Naruto finally hath ended, continued by the less-respected Boruto; and Bleach got worse the longer it went, till the Lord ended it in mercy and justice. But behold, my son, One Piece shall steadily grow line upon line, precept upon precept, longer and longer for decades to come, till the Second Coming of our Lord, and then shall the Lord consecrate the anime, and curse the 4Kidz version, and thrust it down to hell.

10. And now, my son, hearken unto me, for I shall share with thee what thou shalt consume.

11. And it shall come to pass thou shalt start with Sword Art Online, but under no conditions art thou permitted to enjoy it; this is merely to get thee interested in the genre, not the actual content of Sword Art Online.

12. And come unto My Hero Academia, the most Western anime one thinks of off the top of their head. Wherefore I say unto you, relish in it and taste everlasting happiness.

13. Come thou unto Black Clover, and worry not about the similarities between it and My Hero Academia; and cover thine ears when Yuno speaketh, for his shrieks shall accompany thine nightmares.

14. And come unto Death Note, for it hath the murder-mystery-cop feel thy mother enjoyeth, and she may even enjoy such a thing beside thee.

15. Come thou unto Full Metal Alchemist Brotherhood, and not unto the one made in 2003, for it doth not follow the manga.

16. Come thou unto One Punch Man, but only after watching generic anime, to fully appreciate the tropes it doth dissect.

17. Come thou unto Demon Slayer, for it worketh wonders of art upon the screen.

18. Come thou unto the Miyazaki films, for thou shalt be blessed.

19. And come thou unto Attack on Titan; but watch it last, for if thou watchest it first, thy standards for anime shall be so high that nothing else shall measure up to it; and there hath been no fanservice, no filler episodes, no hiatuses, no generic shonen protagonist, no harems, no Power of Friendship to save the day, for all these things doth the Lord despise.

20. And finally, come thou unto Jojo’s Bizarre Adventure, for how else shalt thou understand the memes in thy Discord server?

21. Now my son, there are thousands more anime to be consumed, and I cannot name them all, for most of them are bland or repetitive.

22. But seek thee out the best anime, according to thy tastes, and be not afraid of the title of weeb thy friends shall bestow upon thee. I say unto you, watching anime is cool, but it was not always this way.

23. Blessed are the weebs in the 90s and early 2000s, when anime was not nearly as mainstream, who suffered great persecutions, and endured many trials, and have come to rest in a state of joy.

24. See that ye bridle your passions, that anime shall remain fresh for thee in years to come. My son, be sober. Amen.