I keep floating

I've started actually reading some things here again, during the time I disappeared I read sappy romance manga/manhua and the occasional Fire Punch. The first thing I started looking around for was mostly Changeling stories because they're the most interesting to me. Part of that interest comes from my love of Chrysalis and how every story I've read with an iteration of her I loved never got finished such as Hate Thy Neighbor if anyone's read that gem. I just see Changelings and Humans to be nearly identical in some ways, so I also mostly focused on HiE stuff.

Besides that I'm not too sure what I'm doing. I don't believe I'll keep up the streak of activity, but who knows I'm a fickle person. Despite Gambler's Respite being cancelled I keep lookin at it. I put that cancel on it to snuff out any hope of it updating so people don't wait forever, but a part of me wants to write for it again. Then another part is screaming in agony every time I write a single sentence of the simplest things. So long story short, I'm mostly just writing this to put my thoughts into written form rather than to convey anything.

I read a small post recently about writer's anxiety which had me thinking on why I start dying every time I write a single sentence of dialogue. I honestly came to an answer fairly quickly, everyone has some excuse to justify their feelings, this may not actually be the cause, but I started thinking of the times I used to RP on discord. There were many reasons I stopped RPing, people stopped having time, groups broke apart, abusive behaviors, growing animosity, etc. The main draw of it that made me think of the RP thing as my excuse was the fact that I'm partially embarrassed by the fact that I have RPed. Writing dialogue felt very similar to that and I just started groaning almost immediately.

If I had to load myself up with more useless discourse I'd say another source is just the change of my daily life. When I first started writing in school things were chaotic always changing. I had no doubts in my writing ability, I didn't know if I was good or bad, I just did things. I threw chapters out quickly fueled by emotion. Now a days I'm drawing up plans across my walls while the days are filled with monotony so I got no emotion to really throw out, I simply don't care as much. Obviously enough I'm not completely dead emotionally, otherwise I wouldn't have ever thought of looking back on these things.

I want change in my life, so I'll figure something out, I've always been able to accomplish that much