Late Merry Christmas

Here's another log for the sometimes monthly diary so I don't ever forget who I used to be once the years pass by. I don't particularly celebrate christmas all that much, but merry christmas all the same. This year's holidays was both disappointing and wasn't at the same time, and for a reason that makes me feel like a hypocrite upon trying to type it out, since I generally disliked whatever presents were thrown at me. My favorite among them was a book, or more specifically a graphic novel/manhua and I say this both as a jab while also being completely genuine as I actually loved it. The other three presents I got felt really tone deaf. Like I was given a gamer certified keyboard with RGB lights and everything. That's nice...I guess?

I won't really get into detail about the other presents as frankly it doesn't matter, since admittedly my thoughts are more prevalent. I was pretty vocal about the fact that they should not get me any presents, period, yet they did all the same because tradition and they wanted to show how much they knew me. Instead from the presents I did get it kind of showed how little they knew me. Then I just loop back around to having this train thought, "Why am I annoyed at people trying to be nice to me?"

I could try making up reasons that could make sense, but no matter what I could find to rationalize it I'll ultimately come to the conclusion that I'm wrong. I've always been under the notion that I don't understand myself, nor will I ever understand myself. It's a central part of my beliefs really. I believe I'll achieve happiness when I will want to, or just straight up do something involuntarily and generally that entails the absence of thought. For example, most of my blogs that I use as dairies are usually written on a whim without any thought. If I hit a roadblock I delete the whole thing and start again. It must be one take, because multiple takes implies I'm thinking too hard on it and I'm trying to force something that won't release itself.

I don't know anyone that shares my particular beliefs personally and admittedly when making characters for RP I tend to have them not reflect my beliefs. Rather I try to write or play characters that embody the opposite. This makes it really easy to have a separation of character for me, because I can't see any character I create being me if they don't share that belief so any restraints they may have on their actions surely won't be held by me.

Coincidentally...I write up a damn good villain

I wonder why