Editorial: Anatomy of an Argument - According to the School of Life

The following comes from notes I've gathered up for the upcoming Discord Teaches Philosophy: On Love story. They come from the YouTube channel, The School of Life, and I compiled and stitched together an essay that was originally meant to help me with writing the chapter, but I felt that such information here might prove useful to my readers. Although I technically didn't write this, the information here is still useful for those who may be fighting with someone through an argument.

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The Ancient Greeks used to think that love was saved for the admiration of what is good and virtuous of another spouse; that while they may tolerate their less than perfect sides, they also strived to teach them how to be the best selves they could be. They do so when both of them are calm and ready to learn from the other without rage or bitterness. Nowadays, the idea of changing your spouse in any way is seen as a betrayal, even if they really do need to change for the better. This idea of giving feedback to your partner is often received by the wounded cry of: “If you love me, you wouldn’t criticize me! Just love me for who I am!”

We also see this on a massive level in life with countries, political parties, activists both online and off, communities, and even our own families. Despite both sides claiming to know that they possess the truth, a curious thing happens after an augment – nothing has changed. If anything, they are more convinced than ever that they are right, the other is wrong, and that’s that! Both sides walk away confused, they presented the correct information and evidence to the other, so why do they insist that we are insane? We’ve been taught in school that as long as you make the stronger case, the other would have no choice but to concede. So why isn’t it happening here?

Oddly, the source of why could be traced to a strange sounding but likely position – we don’t know how to argue constructively.

Arguments are really an attempt at a teaching moment that has gone wrong. Of course, in arguments between couples, we are often bad students and teachers. However, during those times when one confronts another, there tend to be the following stages:

1 – We don’t believe that we have any legitimacy to teach outside of a classroom setting. We choose our moments to teach when we’re tired, stressed, frustrated, anxious, and scared. The idea behind this is that if we don’t address this when we’re at our most vulnerable, nothing will change.

2 – At the heart of every argument is the idea: “Oh crap! I think my audience are idiots! They don’t understand very basic, very important things that matter to me! And they’re not listening!” In such a state of mind, one's own suffering is placed at the center of the universe to the point where they have little resources to see from the others point of view.

3 – We tend to think that the best way to get our partners to change is to present them with the correct information or a new way of doing things. That as long as we have a handle of the truth or what really needs to be done, then there’s no need of persuasion; just force it down and they will magically change. However, the way it’s presented is that it’s given once in a while, and the tone is often bitter or enraged. In the midst of a stressful moment, we think the best way to teach the so-called “idiot” is to say it loudly, belittle how dumb they are, call them the worst sort of names we could think of, crush our opponents under our massive egos, and insistently until they surrender to what needs to be done.

4 – Yet, according to the Backfire Effect, the more one insists on how they’re not only wrong but the way they go about things is incorrect in such a bitter and firry tone, the more one will immediately reject it. They won’t hear the information, but they will see it as an attack on them. Especially when our partners are enraged. This is because emotion travels faster than logic or reason to process the information – but instead know that they’re being attacked. The one on the receiving end fears that if they confirm what their spouse is saying, they would use the truth about them as a weapon against them. So out of fear, they will deny it.

5 – No one learns by feeling like a small, idiotic, insignificant fool that’s being bullied and belittled to the near point of allylation. The moment one feels like this when the other is trying to teach them incorrectly and sees them as an unteachable student – the lesson is over.

It should be noted that during an argument, there are three kinds of patterns that emerge from couples in their behaviors when they bring up in disagreements and how they behave towards some uncomfortable information.

The first is bitterness. A word which here means: “rage that’s been muffled by shame.” In a bitter remark, the one giving the accusation has a sense that deep down, they don’t have the right to protest, even if they have something that’s legitimate to complain about. So those complaints have to be aired through a form that’s beneath a bedrock of compliance. Such as, “Oh, I suppose it was an ‘Oh-so-busy-day at work’ again?” They would say with a quivering lip. Their tone would be of wintery sarcasm. To the partner hearing this, although they know that we are upset, this approach doesn’t impress with the justice of hearing the complaint, nor tugged at their heartstrings with the other’s dependence and vulnerability. All it accomplished is for them to think the one making the protest is a pain.

The second is a volcanic, fiery rage. It is a reaction when after bottling up one’s frustrations for far too long, with all the hopes of our partners been dashed has reached a tipping point, we give way to explosive, disproportionate, and seemingly out of nowhere anger over something so small. In such a state, we shout, insult, belittle, attempt to crush our opponent. Out of one very minor spark, the ranting person would unleash weeks, perhaps months or years’ worth of resentment at their partner. However, doing so would make the one on the receiving end as an easy target for them to accuse their ranting spouse of being insane.

Sure, the small thing was small, but it wasn’t what we’re upset over. What lies behind this response is, at heart, panic, and agitation. As well as a catastrophic feeling of hurt and betrayal with the belief the other simply would not listen to their vulnerability. The slights to their dignity cut so deeply, unsettled them so much, that they had no choice but to ROAR their way out of being humiliated. The bark may be loud, but it comes from a place of extreme vulnerability. They’re living without a psychological skin. Naturally, this approach prevents our complaint from ever being heard.

Regardless, the one on the receiving end of that rage would brush off the anger, insisting on their innocence and label the angry as crazy. In their rage, it might help for them to keep forgetting to have their focus be on topic. To restrict that their partner did a bad thing, and instead overplay it to accuse them of being a bad person. To the one hearing this, this gives all the excuse they need to roll their eyes, avoid any self-examination, and conclude that the one ranting is unhinged and mean when, in reality, they’re desperate, afraid, and sad. In the face of their ranting, those who’ve offended them may in turn get offended. They’d begin to resent their partner, refuse to listen, and accuse them of a range of things which buries the original complaint against them. In doing so, nothing was achieved.

Then, there is the third type of behavior: silent cold fury. Out of all of these types, it could be argued that this is the most common. It’s when the partner is completely unable to so much as raise a complaint in fear that doing so would only shatter the relationship, and that the other would never understand. Despite their partner vocally expressing by shouting or by sarcasm, the one on the receiving end would opt to stay silent while the other would storm on until their rage passes. Although they may say very little, they hate very deeply and quietly with the side effect of depression that follows. Such behavior is fueled with the feeling that they don’t deserve to be listened to. This self-hatred encases them in cynicism and depressing melancholy. They became masters of the art of withdrawal.

This behavior has a source. At a young age, they may have parents/caregivers who probably were too touchy, busy, domineering, or absent to give a hearing at what they wanted to say. So, they learned to swallow their pain and while seething inside, act with fragile courtesy and hidden aggression against those hated characters who’ve done them wrong. On top of all this, is the idea that perhaps it is they who are bad. As children, we couldn’t imagine that the ones taking care of us could be selfish, mean, absent, or an undeserving mediocrity. Such a notion isn’t possible. Better to think as a monster oneself that tries to become the obedient, selfless good boy or girl that doesn’t complain too much, then to accuse them of being bad. It would be seen as an insult to raise a hand over a problem that they probably didn’t entirely understand. Thus, the difficult moods, tantrums, complaints, and rages that they would have as children, their parents prefer to have them be edited out. Those who have the most to complain about, are often those who don’t say a word. Although in children it ensures short-term compliance, but in adulthood, these children grew up with mental unwellness.

People who couldn’t muster a complaint have an inner deadness that comes from having to be too good, too soon, and having to resign one’s point of view without a flicker of self-defense. In relationships, this might mean a tendency to get taken royally for a ride for decades, not in terms of outright abuse (sometimes though, that can be the case) but the kind where of low-level humiliation and taken-for-granted-ness which seems the lot of people who can’t make a fuss. An overemphasis for politeness, empathy, and gentleness may end up proving the perfect preconditions for being walked all over.

There are some things to keep in mind to counter this, regardless of what type we tend to respond with. First, choose a time and opportunity where both parties are calm. Second, when presenting whatever info, the tone of voice is everything. Depending on what the issue is, there are alternatives from bitterness and fury - using comedy to criticize is a skill that should be crafted to our partner. Or when the partner has said something hurtful, instead of responding by denying or calling them the worst names you could think of, say along the lines of "I'm hurt that you said/did this to me," and with proper courage add "and I feel scared that you hurt me for being vulnerable to you." Third, accept the idea that (as paradoxical it may sound) maybe the partner never will learn when you need them to. By accepting the idea that people change very slowly and on their own terms, it thereby giving both parties a relaxed, low tension attitude to approach this tricky information to the other. Fourth, repeat this information more than once until they come to accept it; however, do keep in mind that most people concede not when they’ve been told they’re wrong, but when they’re loved. Fifth, being in the right isn’t, at the end of the day, important. No one gets a prize for trampling the other's seemingly invalid points. One has to learn to let go of the pleasures of being proven right. The goal of an argument isn’t to “win,” but to live as happily as possible with another who we’re trying to teach to become a better version of themselves.

It’s also just as important for one to acknowledge their partner when they present their feelings to us. Not to agree with them, but to acknowledge their anxieties, and promise that they won’t use the truth about them to be used as a weapon against them. They want us to understand their sufferings, and their sadness is let a legitimacy. The partner wishes to validate their emotions by, in a way, being reflected back to them rather than pushing the moods away or deny they exist. For example, when one is upset, the response should be along the lines of: “I can see that you’ve been driven to distraction – it must feel very chaotic for you inside right now.” Or when we feel sad, we want to hear: “I’ve noticed been unusually down lately, and I think I can understand why.” And when we can’t take it all anymore, we want someone to gently tell us: “It’s been too much for you, hasn’t it? I recognize that so well, of course, it has.” A rule of thumb is no one becomes a bully simply by being listened too much. This is because one becomes far less than far more inclined to insist on the feelings we’re beset by. One should listen to these for a minimum of 55 seconds. We should playback even the most awkward feelings back to them, even for a few moments with the following: “I can hear you must… You must be feeling so… I can understand completely that…”

But for those who suffer in cold fury, they have to realize that most don’t voice a complaint because they have forgotten or never learned the art of being a pain with constructive but respectable anger. The goal is to learn how to protest in a firm but self-possessed way. Something along the lines of: “Excuse me, but you are ruining what’s left of my life… I’m so sorry, but you’re cutting up my chances of happiness… I beg your pardon, but this is enough!”

In the world, there are plenty of things we want to complain about. Yet, how we respond to when these sudden bursts of harsh-sounding criticism could make a world of difference between an exhausted teacher and an "unteachable" student.