Zombies, Run! Sparkle Cola jokes. · 5:40am Apr 14th, 2020
Yes, I'm running from Zombies...
well, not so much running, you see. During this quarantine, I've agreed to go out "running" with my daughter. We are using this terrific free app called Zombies, Run! I highly recommend it. It has like 8-9 seasons or so, and you get to be the participant in a story told to you as you run. You are a runner that is helping to scavenge for supplies in a zombie apocalypse, and occasionally during your run, you are actually chased by zombies. If you're not quick enough, well...
Anyway, great app, motivates you to go out again. Gotta get supplies for survival and all that. I'm running with my daughter/story artist, Tillie. Except neither of us are in great shape, so we are fast walking, increasing it to a jog only when the zombs are in pursuit. Now we've been joined by my other two daughters and my sons are thinking of joining as well.
So, I promised a joke.
One of my new buds,
Changeling2580
put out a blog titled:
Sorry? Humor? What? · 9:32pm
He was worried about offending folks with humor. While I do believe we should be sensitive to those who need to be protected, I also believe a few of us need to take a chill pill on that front. That's all I'll opine with that, and so now, the joke I promised.
Once upon a time there was a long line waiting to get into heaven.
The pearly gates opened, St. Peter came out and made an announcement.
"May I have your attention!"
All of the hubbub of those waiting in line ceased.
"Okay, my children. There is a new law regarding admittance into heaven. If any of you have died a foul, grisly, or otherwise horrible and untimely death, you are automatically permitted to enter here! I'm going to interview each of you and ask how you died."
There is general agreement among the spirits waiting, so he goes to the first man there. "Okay, my child. How did you die?"
The man looks up, melancholy and discomfitted. "Oh, it was truly awful, Saint Peter! Y'see, I was suspicious my wife had been cheating on me. There was especially some questionable evidence on Tuesdays and Thursdays, so I came home from work in the middle of the day. I discovered a strange car in my parking space for my condominium! I live on the 18th floor, you see. So I ran up there soon as I could, burst into my house, but there was no other man. I searched everywhere! In the closet! Under the bed! Behind the couch! My wife was there in the bedroom, but I couldn't find the guy anywhere!"
Peter looks at him. "So what happened?
"I went onto my balcony to cool off, and there's this guy, hanging off the edge! So I go crazy. I start screaming. Jumping on his fingers. pounding on them. The guy managed to hang on, so I grabbed a hammer! So then he fell. And as I watched him fall, would you believe a bush broke his fall and he was entirely unharmed? So I ran back in side, furious, and grabbed my refrigerator! I threw it over the edge and it killed him!"
"You killed him?!" Peter cried.
"Yes, I killed him." The man started to sob. "So then I felt so bad I jumped off and joined him.
"Ah," said Peter. "Well that's terrible, that's really horrible. Come on into heaven!"
So Peter goes to the next guy. "Okay, my child. How did you die?"
This guy just looks perplexed. "Well, it was rather odd, really."
"Odd?"
"Yeah! Ya see, I was out on my balcony, doing my mid-day exercise routine. You know, push ups, sit ups... Calesthenics, that sort of thing..."
"...And?" Peter queries.
"And, I looked up, and suddenly thought: Hey! I can totally do pull-ups! All I have to do is grab onto the balcony above and I'm golden! So I climb up, grab on... and no sooner than I do that then this total nutjob comes out of his condo and starts screaming at me! He's jumping on my fingers, but I manage to hold on. Then he grabs a hammer, and then, well, I have to let go. I think that I'm a gonner. But then this bush miraculously breaks my fall. I'm saved! But then I look up and here's this fridge coming at me. And... well, here I am."
Peter removes his palm from his face. "Well... that's terrible! That's really horrible. Come on into heaven!"
So Peter goes to the next guy in line. "Okay, my child. How did you die?"
The guy gives him an odd look. "Well, you know it was kind of weird... I died buck naked in a refrigerator."
BTW, does anyone want me to keep posting those comics? Lemme know, pls...
Well to be fair, I was worried not just about that, but also about annoying my followers/friends. I have a similar joke, but I'll have to look it up.
So one day this little boy is home, he walks in his mother and a man having an affair, he hides in the closet to see what their doing. The boy’s father comes home, the mother pushes the man into the closet with the little boy, not knowing he is in there.
The boy says “it sure is dark in here”
The man replies “yes it is.”
The boy asks the man, “do you want to buy a baseball glove?”
The man replies “okay how much?”
The little boy says $25.
The man tells him that it is too much.
The little boy says “my father is right outside”.
The man replies “okay” and hands over the money.
The little boy gives him the glove. A few days pass and the same thing happens.
The little boy says, “it sure is dark in here”
The man replies “yes it is.”
The little boy says “I have a baseball.”
Remembering what happened last time The man sighs and asks “how much?”
The little boy says $50. The man hands over the money gets the baseball and eventually they leave.
A few days later, the boy’s father tells him to go get his mitt and his ball so they can play catch the little boy says he can’t because he sold the mitt and the ball to his friends.
The boy’s father asks how much he sold him for.
The boy tells him $75.
The boy’s father says he overcharged his friends and that he needs to go confess about his greed. He takes him to the church and sends the little boy to the confessional booth.
After a moment of silence pass...
The little boy says “it sure is dark in here.”
The priest says “not this time you little shit.
This time you are in my closet.”
5242144
Both of you are funny!
5242144
Oof.