Fic Reviews: Devastation by a Hybrid's Rage Double Reviewer Special: The Second One · 5:02pm Feb 10th, 2019
Okay, so… Yes, back to reviewing this piece of crap.
Look, I’m sorry I’m going back to this piece of crap one more time, and even I swore to myself if I returned to a fic for a second review it’d be a certain piece by Admiral Biscuit I did a while back called “Lost at Sea” -seriously, check it out- but here we are anyways. Another reviewer this time, Seriff Pilcrow, doctor in training and member of A for Effort so this dude knows what he’s talking about.
Hey all. My name’s Seriff. While I’m no paleontologist, I do know a thing or two about biology as someone in my second year of medical school. I’m not as funny as the last guy who touched this fic, but hopefully I can offer something new to the table!
Probably, yeah. Vert’s just walls and walls of snark, while you actually have some professionalism about you, and because you’re in your second year of medical school can actually bring some science to this. Science is needed here. ...Sadly, while I doubt TyrannosaurusVenom would actually tune into this, this fic again shall serve as a how to guide on what not to do when writing. Oh, and if anyone asks why I’m not reviewing “sonic_rainbowdash2005's Journey to Equestria”, you do realize trollfics are a thing right? Sorry, if you wanted me to review that story just because of how bad for it, you fell for a troll’s works hook, line, and quite frankly sucker.
Now… Uh, fair warning where fair warning is due. This picks up from chapter 4 onwards, which is where the steamy stuff sets in. Yeah. Let it sink into your head for a moment, then get brain bleach as needed. Me and Seriff thought about a drinking game for you all each time this fic fucks itself up with it’s research but then we realized we and you would be dead before you reached the end of it. You were warned, in any case. So you have only yourself to blame if you continue on past this point, and your mind is forever scarred.
Now, on with the motley!
* The morning sun had risen on the first day of Rainbow and Indominus' lives together as husband and wife. The night before had been a true blast that had left them both tired and worn out. The lovers were still sleeping soundly in each other's embrace as the sun tried to make its way through the curtains. its light slowly worked its way into the room and near Rainbow Dash. Indominus' face was shielded by the curtains from the bed, so he still slept soundly as Rainbow began to stir from her slumber.
Rainbow fluttered her eyes open and the first thing she saw was Indominus' face, looking so peaceful and relaxed while he was sleeping. She was still in his arms but his hold on her had loosened over the night and Rainbow had been able to snuggle against his body. She carefully wrapped her hooves around Indominus' body and snuggled against him again.
Mmmm, my Indominus, Rainbow thought to herself as she laid against his scaly body. Then she slowly worked her way towards Indominus' face without waking him, and brought her face closer to his.
"We never did get to fully love each other last night after all the dancing. I'm sure he won't mind if I show more of my love for him now," Rainbow said softly. She leaned forward and began giving soft kisses on Indominus' face.
She was giving kisses all over Indominus and the hybrid only moved slightly from the feeling. Rainbow felt slightly nervous about being so affectionate to him while he was sleeping, because she didn't want to disturb Indominus while he was sleeping so peacefully. Yet she couldn't help how much she enjoyed getting to show Indominus how much he meant to her. Then Rainbow decided to take it up a notch by gently singing to her hybrid dinosaur, as she got close and looked down on his face. *
Ring a ding ding, question time. Why in the Hell has Not an Indo not eaten Rainbow yet? I mean seriously, he’s a dinosaur… Maybe. I say maybe because of what will become clearer later on in the story. Coughs out something that sounds like Immortal Worldbreaker
I’m really tempted to post a picture of this “Immortal Worldbreaker,” even though it’s spoilers for the later portions of the story…
Do it.
One hepatitis-infected dinosaur coming right up!
Gah, it looks even worse on a second look! What, is that Microsoft Paint?
Yup! And those wings look less like wings and more like cancers that have spread from his liver to his back muscles.
Might want to see a Doctor about that. And I mean the Doctor. The one with a Blue Box. I actually pity our readers here.
Also, Rainbow Dash gets her own “Immortal Worldbreaker” form because why not!
Like I said, I feel pity. Did we forget to mention -because screw spoilers- that Not a Rainbow and Not an Indominus get crowned King and Queen of Equestria at the end of this crap? No, we are not kidding. Also, some answered questions for you. If you didn’t pay attention to the final comments of the last blog covering this pile of… well, whatever it is, you might have missed this comment from Seriff which answers some things me and Vert were asking ourselves.
So I did some research [update: I read most of the author’s previous story] and I discovered why the dinosaurs are pony-sized, omnivorous, and can talk.
In the previous story, the dinosaurs couldn’t talk and were appropriately sized. But they were intelligent (and I gag when I use this word to refer to this story) enough to establish non-verbal communication with the ponies, eventually learning how to write. Twilight then infused T. rex and I. rex with a magic spell that allowed them to shrink to the sizes of raptors. Later, when I. rex wants to propose to Rainbow Dash, Celestia gives him and the dinosaurs an advanced wedding gift: a spell that allowed them to talk.
As for the omnivore diet, that’s more of a consequence of living in Equestria for a few weeks or months.
Actually, I still have so many questions on this. Like HOW IN THE HELL COULD RAINBOW FALL IN LOVE WITH A GENETICALLY ENGINEERED MONSTER EVEN BEFORE IT COULD TALK!?! FUCK YOU LOGIC! I think by the end of this fic my reality may have giggled, fucked me off, and went off to play soccer with Discord.
Hopefully not this fanfic’s version of Discord, given that he’s chummy with I. rex here….
Sadly, so so true… What was he thinking? I should send Fluttershy, any version of her, to give him a good smack to the head, or worse… The Stare.
Can we also shift gears for a bit and talk about the way this scene progresses? It’s nothing but “I love you!” “I love you too!” “Kissu kissu.” Just…blegh! Get on with the story!
Yeah, no substance whatsoever. It would make Lost Sun Toren and Starlight envious actually, and to all of you who don’t know what that piece of shite is I’ll let Seriff explain in a moment, after I make the comment of this has enough lovey-dovey crap to make Madame Puddifoots look tame. There just needs to be more weeping! More estrogen poured into this fic.
My pleasure, Brick. To explain what The Lost Sun is in the most concise way possible, it’s a romantic drama about Toren, the half-draconequus, half-Alicorn son of Discord and Celestia. He falls in love with Starlight Glimmer, who is written into a crybaby weakling damsel for the dashing Gary Stu to come save her. Crying ensues…and male pregnancy. Maybe I should post some art depicting a scene from the fic…
First off, please don’t. And secondly, sounds like a rejected plot for this fic, if you ask me. And I’ve had the ‘pleasure’ of being a part of a riff to that pile of shite on a Discord server. Joy. I’ll forever curse you for that one Seriff. Or blame Gorgom, whatever comes first. And you forgot to add lots of crying. And I do mean lots. More saltwater than in the actual ocean itself from the tears of everyone. Like, I kid you not. Anyways…
The first thing we’re treated to is a video, again. If you read me and Vert’s review of the first three chapters, this next part should not surprise you in. the. Slightest.
* Baby, you're all that I want
When you're lyin' here in my arms,
I'm findin' it hard to believe
We're in heaven
Rainbow got so daring that she did something that she had never done before. She bent forward and licked Indominus' face in a loving display of affection. It felt so strange to her and yet it also felt so right to show her affection to Indominus in such a manner. Her loving displays of affection were beginning to rouse Indominus from his slumber, and he barely opened one eye to see Rainbow showering him in love and kisses.
The hybrid decided to pretend that he was still sleeping while listening to Rainbow softly serenading him again. He couldn't resist hearing his wife giving her heart and soul to him in such an amazing way. He waited patiently for the right moment to join his wife on her serenading.
Oh, thinkin' about all our greater years,
There is only you and me,
We are young and wild and free
Now nothin' can take you away from me
We've been down that road before
But that's over now,
You keep me comin' back for more
Baby, you're all that I want
When you're lyin' here in my arms,
I'm findin' it hard to believe
We're in heaven
And love is all that I need,
And I found it there in your heart
It isn't too hard to see
We're in heaven
(We're in heaven)
Just as Rainbow moved in for another kiss, Indominus saw his chance to surprise her. He moved his head up in time and met her lips head on. Rainbow was surprised at first, but relaxed when she saw that Indominus had known about her loving affections. He pulled her in close and began to sing as well while he and his amazing pegasus stared into each other's eyes.
Now nothin' could change what you mean to me uh,
There's a lot that I could say
But just hold me now,
'Cause our love will light the way
Baby you're all that I want
When you're lyin' here in my arms,
I'm findin' it hard to believe
We're in heaven
And love is all that I need,
And I found it there in your heart
It isn't too hard to see
We're in heaven
Heaven
Now our dreams are comin' true,
Through the good times and the bad,
I'll be standin' there by you
We're in heaven
Indominus placed his hand on Rainbow's chest while she placed her hoof on his. They were placed over each other's hearts as the serenading came to a close.
And love is all that I need,
And I found it there in your heart
It isn't too hard to see
We're in heaven
We're in heaven
"Morning, good looking and scaly."
"Morning my sweet, bold and flirtatious pegasus. You've definitely gotten more daring since our first date, Dashie."
"Well, you opened my eyes to somepony that can match my awesomeness, and win my heart all at once. I can't hold back my feelings too much when I'm around you," Rainbow said as she slowly ran her hoof along the dinosaur's body. *
Oh my word, are these…song lyrics?!
Yes, yes they are. They’re not even from a good song at that! Please gag here everyone. In unison if necessary. I’ll get buckets. But seriously, how are copyrighted song lyrics from a non-MLP song making it into this fic, and it’s not getting reported? HOW?
Because of auto story approval. If you’ve written a certain number of fics in FiMFic, there’s a chance the system won’t send your story to the human mods for manual approval.
Explains how a Teen-Rated story -Yes, teen- got away with sex and gore before I contacted Maijin Syeekoh and had them take a look at this fic. No, I will not let that go. While I doubt any child would stumble upon this fic, you get where I’m going with this right Seriff?
Well said. And also, we went through all this cuddling, this kissing, these song lyrics, and what do we get in the end? “Good morning?” All this for a simple “Good morning?!” Here, lemme fix this scene for you.
Rainbow Dash kissed Indominus. “Good morning,” she purred.
There. Our agony is shorter.
I’ll do you one better.
She got eaten. The end.
Which of the two is more likely to happen in your mind, Seriff?
I kinda feel sorry for Rainbow Dash… Bah, what am I talking about! This isn’t Rainbow Dash! Much too sappy. Let her die, let her die, let her shrivel up and die!!
You been holding that in much Seriff? But seriously, and if you’ll forgive me here I’ll grab a scene from one of my own Fanfics that’s probably a better characterized Dash.
* “Dare I ask?” Adagio remarked, and Rainbow facepalmed.
“Damnit…” she muttered upon realization. Adagio looked towards Fluttershy for an explanation, but Rainbow surprisingly was the one to answer.
“A while back, me and the girls got these cool geodes that give us awesome superpowers. Flutters over there can talk to animals, while I get to be a real-life Flash!” Rainbow exclaimed. “...Wow, can’t believe I just admitted that to Adagio Dazzle of all people.”
“Well, I personally think it's nice your doing something for the city,” Adagio said being genuinely sincere and not snide towards Rainbow for the first time since they'd met. “Gives the people hope.”
“...Wow, complemented by Adagio Dazzle of all people. What the Hell am I supposed to say to that?” Rainbow wondered aloud. As much as she appreciated the sentiment, it was still so… odd getting it from this person.
“A thank you would do,” Fluttershy added. Nobody during all of this noticed the small little coin slot that appeared on the back of Rainbow's head and a little medal being inserted into it by this blond-haired man.
“Yeah, I suppose. Never thought I'd say this but… thanks, Adagio.” Rainbow said finally swallowing her pride. Adagio blinked out in shock but accepted the thanks all the same. *
Now compare that little bit of “What’s Your Desire?” to the fanfic above. Now, ask yourself, what’s different between the scenes Seriff? Seriously, characterization-wise, what’s different?
At least Rainbow Dash isn’t acting like she’s doping on love poison in your fanfic.
Point is, Rainbow is brash, self-made woman/mare and at times doesn’t like to rely on others nor is she particularly tactful. Compare that Dash to Not a Dash in TyrannosaurusVenom’s story.
I feel cheated already. I came here to read about dinosaur-induced destruction and flex my as-of-now-nonexistent MD, yet here I am reading about cuddles. I want my money back, Author!
That’s another problem I have with this fic Seriff, it’s inability to grasp the idea of tone and consistency. For the first part of the story, we get this crap, then it moves onto Not an I-Rex protecting his love and ripping apart misguided ponies to shreds like… You know, an actual dinosaur and then it turns into something out of a bad shonen manga!
Or a Michael Bay film. But at least Michael Bay knew how to make his inane garbage look impressive.
True. Sadly, this is where this chapter starts to fall apart even more…
* "If you thought I was daring in the bed, I'll show you just how daring I'm willing to be now," she said in a very seducing voice.
Indominus had no response, he could only watch as Rainbow took a bar of soap, lathered it on her body and began to rub herself on him. The dinosaur felt every sensation running through his scales. the touch of Rainbow's fur rubbing against him and her hooves spreading the lather on his neck. Rainbow was giving Indominus the ultimate treatment and holding nothing back. She then upped the anti big time by crawling up Indominus' body until she was at his face.
"I told you I would rock your world, and I always make good on my word. You're about to be loved like never before, Indominus."
The dinosaur felt his whole body tingle as Rainbow Dash began rubbing her face on his. Having his girl so close and rubbing him was making Indominus' heart go wild. Rainbow Dash was indeed being more daring than he'd ever seen, and she was caressing his body so much that the joy was just as overwhelming. Indominus could only wrap his arms around Rainbow's body as she continued to rub herself against him and massage-*
Okay, I think that’s enough of that, as I think we can see where this is all going can’t you?
Ohhhhh boy… Rainbow’s going to have some pretty nasty posterior lacerations when she gets out of bed…
If you haven’t gagged yet...
I wonder: is Indominus his normal size or his shrunken size here? Does it even matter?
Normal, I hope. That way he crushes Not a Dash. But considering they’re in a bath together, it’s probably shrunken size. ...Oh god, I can’t believe I’m applying logic to this! #Bestiality is depraved.
Don’t worry, Brick. You’re putting more thought into this story than the author probably did throughout his entire lifetime.
Side note, during my hiatus, I made myself useful and read the author’s previous story, and I have made an unpleasant discovery: this isn’t the first time the author wrote about RD and Indominus performing the two-person tango.
I’m about to turn into a Phantom right now, just from the despair this story brings. Does anyone have Haruto Soma on speedial? But seriously… YUCK!
I’d like to skip ahead to when the Indominus starts killing off Wonderbolts, but it, like I said, is so drastic a change in tone to the rest of what you’ve seen so far you probably wouldn’t believe it’s from the same story. Ironically, these opening chapters are so out of tone from the rest of the fic. Also, I have to laugh at this. “Seducing tone of voice”. Nothing funnier… Or more liable to remove a boner once you remember who she’s saying that to. You mind if I actually do skip ahead Seriff? Past the next chapter, which has them playing a Dance Dance Revolution knockoff -feel free to laugh at that image if you need to- and another brain scarring edition of: Knockout Sex: Not a Dash and Not an Indominus edition!
I have witnessed more than my fair share of dissections and surgeries. Bring it on.
Should warn you, it’s a better part of 8,000 words, and half of that is devoted to singing and dancing, and such. So, I’ll skip most of that and give you the opening bit of that chapter, sound fair?
Oh, please do. I can only take so much more sap before I get Type 2 diabetes.
First I want to give you the Author’s Note for said chapter. Have a ball.
* Author's Note:
This chapter contains a lot of excitement, and plenty more songs. Those who love pop and heavy metal, are in for a treat with this chapter. *
I’m not excited, are you Seriff? And said heavy metal and pop? One song is an All-Star cover, and the other’s not even qualified as metal. It’s Hallelujah for Christ’s sakes! Metal is stuff like Metallica, Disturbed, Led Zeppelin! But anyways…
I’ll just say this. Literature and music do not mix. Most readers like to have their own music while reading and won’t click on your Youtube embeds. If you really like to “add” music to your story, the best way to do it is to narrate your story like an audiobook and add the music you want to the background.
Sadly, not even that would save this story.
Only thing that could save this story is to give Not-I. Rex a lobotomy.
Now some of you viewers at home may be wondering why exactly why we're not exactly pointing out any good points in this story like normal reviewers do. Simple answer. There are no good points. This fic is like a dementor, sucking all the joy and life out of a room. And writing skill in our case.
Actually, Brick, there’s one good point: this fic doesn’t have aggressive, incestuous two-person tangos like The Lost Sun…
Good point. (And for those of you not familiar with The Lost Sun, yes that does happen. Unfortunately.) Actually Seriff, and I know this deviates from the story a bit, but can you explain exactly why changing an audio drama into a story wouldn’t work?
It could work. It’s been done before with stories like Bride of Discord. But it’s an uphill battle. When adapting any story from one medium to another—book to film, film to video game, TV show to radio play, that sort of stuff—you need to consider the advantages and disadvantages that each medium offers. Most people, myself included, are not skilled enough to transplant stories to different mediums.
The author included.
Hear hear. Furthermore, audio dramas are difficult in general. You can’t just think about the story and the writing; you need to think about managing your voice actors, your artists, your video, your audio quality, your sound effects, your music…
You get the idea. Basically, it’s a lot of work.
It’s a lot more work than written fanfiction. At least in that case, you can work on your own pace and you’re only limited by a couple of editors and pre-readers.
Mhmm.
* While Rainbow and Indominus were enjoying their time in Las Pegasus, back in Ponyville, Scootaloo was having a great time with her new family. Tyrannosaurus, Blue and her girls were caring for the little filly, just like they had promised Indominus. They played with her, gave her all the attention she never had before, and provided for Scootaloo to the best of their abilities. When it came to food, they asked the others for help because there was no way they could give carved meat to a pony. They even tagged along with her and the CMC on their adventures now that they had earned their marks.
Helping other ponies figure out their talents was so confusing to the dinosaurs, they had no clue how they could help. So it was good that the Crusaders were able to show them the way. Charlie helped a little colt with navigating an obstacle course after Applebloom showed her the ropes. That colt ended up getting his cutie mark in acrobatics after he went through the course with tremendous agility. Charlie had messed up halfway through, but was glad she could help the pony find his purpose.
Delta and Echo had great delight in joining Sweetie Belle and helping a filly in excavating. Their claws helped in the tunneling, and the sister raptors helped the pony dig up an ancient skeleton in a sandbox. Seeing the filly so overjoyed at getting her mark, which was a pair of bones with a shovel resting beside them, showed the raptors just how much getting their marks meant to the ponies.
"See girls, a cutie mark is one of the best moments in a pony's life."
"Now I can see why you girls were so excited to get yours," said Delta.
Tyrannosaurus and Blue were assisting Scootaloo with a young pegasus that was trying to earn her mark in flying. They could see she had plenty of potential in her, just like Scootaloo had when Rainbow had taught her how to make use of her wing power. However, the poor thing was so nervous about falling out of the sky that she didn't have the confidence to try hard enough. So Blue and Scootaloo decided to try and build some confidence in her with a race.
"But, what if I fall and get hurt?"
"That won't happen," Tyrannosaurus reassured her. "I'll be flying right underneath you so that you'll land on my back if you think you're gonna hit the ground."
If there was one thing Tyrannosaurus was really good at, it was getting ponies to put their trust and faith in him. He never went back on his word before, and he would always live up to it. Once the filly took flight and Tyrannosaurus had positioned himself underneath her, she felt more confident and secure. So Scootaloo and Blue took her on a race through a little air course, and the pony began to show her speed and skill. She was weaving easily around obstacles and pulling ahead of the raptor and Scootaloo, Tyrannosaurus still kept going after her, not wanting to risk her getting hurt. She was showing the speed and agility of a trained flyer, and enjoying the adrenaline from the race.
Once the filly finished the race, a glow happened on her flank. She was amazed to see that her mark was a pair of blue lightning bolts crossing over each other like an X. It warmed Scootaloo's heart to see the filly so overjoyed, and no longer afraid of flight. Blue and Tyrannosaurus were equally as happy to see the pony so ecstatic. They were slowly getting an understanding for how important cutie marks were to the young ones.
After the Crusaders had helped out their share of ponies for the day, they returned to the clubhouse to discuss their progress. While the raptors were discussing their time with each of the fillies they had helped, Scootaloo seemed rather distant and distracted from the other Crusaders. Tyrannosaurus noticed from outside and saw that she was just staring out the window and into the sky. He knew what this meant: she was missing her new parents while they were away. So T-Rex moved in front of the window and it got her attention.
"You miss them, don't you Scootaloo?" Scootaloo sighed, there was no way she could hide her emotions from T-Rex. He knew her so well after spending so much time with the filly over the year.
"Yeah, I do miss them. I'd just like to spend some time with them while they're away."
"Well, they did give you permission to visit if you truly miss them that much. So what's holding you back?"
"I keep thinking that it would be selfish of me to intrude on their time together." Upon hearing this, Applebloom and Sweetie Belle stopped their conversations and went over to their friend.
"Scootaloo, there is nothing selfish about wanting to spend time with your new family," said Sweetie Belle. *
And here’s our token CMC and Scootalove moment! But yes Scootaloo, it would be selfish for you to visit Not a Dash and Not a I-Rex while they’re on their honeymoon! I mean, a honeymoon is supposed to be about the husband and the wife celebrating their new life together, not worrying about anything else. And here you are, about to intrude on that. Also, on a side note, the theme for this story.
You can see the shock and disappointment in Dr. Grant’s face…
More like disgust. He would be, wouldn’t he? Seeing a grand creature reduced to… this. It’s Owen Grady who should be disappointed.
* "Yeah, it's taken so much for ya to get the family you've always wanted, and now yer sayin' that you don't want to interfere with Rainbow and Indominus's time together? They love ya to the end of Equestria Scootaloo, heck they promised to become yer new parents. If ya want to see them that badly, then go for it girl."
"We'd be glad to fly you on over to Las Pegasus, Scootaloo. After all, we're a family now and we promised we'd be there for you and Rainbow," said Blue.
Scootaloo pulled her friends into a hug, and the raptors joined in the warm embrace.
"Thank you girls."
"Don't mention it Scootaloo, it's what we do." The group broke apart and Scootaloo flew out the window to hug the dinosaur that had gotten her to talk in the first place.
"I need to give an especially good thanks to you Rexy, for getting me to speak up," Scootaloo said before placing a kiss on the dinosaur's cheek. T-Rex rumbled softly and nuzzled his girl.
"I'm just doing my part and looking out for you Scootaloo. The same way that Rainbow and Indominus would've done, I'm just trying to follow their examples since they know better about caring for somepony."
"Oh I wouldn't say that," said Scootaloo as she nuzzled against T-Rex. "You, Blue and her girls have done a pretty good job of looking after me like a real family should. I'd say you're doing very well for a first time."
Applejack and Rarity were walking by to check on their sisters and caught sight of the cute display.
"You two keep this up, and ya'll be loving each other just like Rainbow and Indominus in no time." Scootaloo was a little embarrassed by Applejack's comment, but knew that she was just giving her honest opinion. *
Um…Author…you do realize Scootaloo’s still a filly, right? Please don’t tell me you actually ship Scootaloo and Rexy-Who-Is-Now-A-Male.
I think these lyrics sum it up.
Well I called New York and talked to that brain quack
I said, "Doc, I've got to have my old brain back"
He said, "I'm sorry there Mr. Layer, but I can't do that".
The author actually gives an explanation for why Indominus and Rexy are males. Lemme dig it up…. Ah, here we go.
For this story and the ones that follow after, I decided that Rexy and Indominus would both be males. In Jurassic Park they even explained that the dinosaurs had been given frog DNA that would allow them to change genders. With Equestria's population being almost entirely female ponies, it would make sense for Indominus and Rexy to switch from female to male. Besides, Equestria could use some men with brawn and brains.
"Equestria could use some men with brain and brawns." This implies Shining Armor, Big Mac and Time Turner/the Doctor -Whom I sorely need right about now- do not exist. Why does this comment not surprise me?
Hold on, there are no dinosaurs in Equestria, so why would Rexy and Indominus change sex? To screw with the mostly female ponies? How would the dinos even know that they could generate viable offspring from ponies? Need I remind you, Mr. Author, that Rexy and Indominus were male at the first chapter of your first story, which signifies their first steps into Equestria. So you’re telling me…that the dinosaurs immediately changed sex when they entered Equestria, not gradually as an environmental adaptation!
Because fuck logic, fuck realism! And on another note… I’d actually you two rather not take examples from Not A Dash and Not an I-Rex, Rares, AJ. And my god, is that southern accent cringey! If you don’t know how to write the accent, why bother with it? But anyways, after more frankly pointless singing and dancing, -8000 words of that!- we get to the next chapter. Thank god for that. I’ll just be skipping through it and highlighting specific sections, because let’s be frank how much more of this sap can you actually stand?
* "Oh ho ho, I think I know what you're talking about, you are one slick dinosaur Indominus. Rainbow Dash must really be loving you to be all over you each night."
The monsters, T-Rex and the raptor squad all shot Indominus pleased smiles and sly looks. They knew what Discord and Indominus were talking about, even if they were trying to be discreet about it.
"Sounds like you and Rainbow have mated quite a lot in the last few days," said Tyrannosaurus.
"Yeah, we have," Indominus said nervously. "We just love each other so much that it's hard to keep my claws and her hooves to ourselves."
"Don't be nervous Indominus," said Blue. "You and Rainbow have every right to love each other so much."
"You two have faced far more than the rest of us have in our time here," Delta added.
"If you want to mate with her that much, you have every right," said Echo. "As long as Rainbow is ok with it too."
"Of course, I wouldn't do it unless she gave her consent. I never want there to be any trouble between us."
Tyrannosaurus was pleased and proud to see that his hybrid brother knew better than to take advantage of Rainbow. He cared for her too much to do something without her consent. Indominus had done far too much for Rainbow to throw such happiness away, and Tyrannosaurus had seen some of those feats himself. *
So, to recap, Tyrannosaurus is a peeping tom, Not an I-Rex is a s(l)ick bastard, -holds up a Beastility is Depraved sign- and the Raptor Squad -Qualified awesome/terrifying dinosaurs- are reduced to a cheer squad and relationship shilling. Have I missed anything?
We are missing one thing: dinosaurs being dinosaurs and slaughtering people.
Hmm, good point. Also, can I mention that the sequel to this fic -Yes, sequel, get it through your head- has Not a Dash and Not an Indominus’ kids? Yes, that happened.
But that’s a story for another time, right Brick?
Thankfully. (Oh god, the Readers probably just got the idea I’m going to go through that!)
*
Meanwhile, Rarity, Fluttershy and Applejack were catching up with Rainbow Dash and her thoughts on being with Indominus.
"Rainbow darling you must tell us, what's it like having a dinosaur as a husband?"
"Well, Indominus is definitely the most understanding creature I've ever known. He's been so kind and thoughtful, even when it came to playing games he showed so much respect. When we went against each other in a air hockey match, he wanted to win and played like a true competitor. Yet when he lost, he said that winning didn't mean all that much to him, unless it was for me. He even bought me a plush dragon with the tickets he won, saying that he was doing it just for me."
"Wow, he's been that thoughtful and kind to ya? Ah'd say ya made a wise decision in chosin' him to be yer stallion and not Soarin," said Applejack. *
Uh, no you didn’t Rainbow. You married a Dinosaur! Look, I admit I had Rarity marry Grimlock from Transformers in a story, and even then I’m a bit ashamed of that piece and the whole marriage was just a joke. The story made it quite clear you were never supposed to take Grimlock/Rarity seriously. Here, you’re supposed to take this… well, whatever it is quite seriously. It’s disturbing, frankly. Look, now I’m not the biggest fan of Rainbow and Soarin’ as a couple as to be honest I think it’s a bit cliche -And yet I ship something even more cliche, the childhood friends angle in Flutterdash-, but seriously, this story actually makes me want to ship Rainbow and Soarin’. The romance here is that badly handled, and that gag-worthy.
Oh my gosh, me too. When I read through the bulk of Devastation, I became a SoarinDash shipper, not because I think the ship is cute or because canon proves it, but simply because I wanted to spite the author.
Good on you.
* "Please Applejack, Indominus is over one thousand times the stallion Soarin could ever be. He serenaded me with the best songs and kindest words on our first night here. I was so overwhelmed and taken with how much he loved me, that I felt so safe and at peace being held by him that night. There's nothing that Soarin could do to match the combination of awesomeness and comfort Indominus has shown me."
The others could see a bright blush on Rainbow's cheek as she spoke about Indominus. Scootaloo had seen the exact same blush on Rainbow's face the day after she and Indominus had fought against her former parents. All of them couldn't resist giggling at Rainbow with all her sweet talk about her husband, yet she didn't bother trying to hide her feelings. Indominus had touched her heart with unbelievable kindness, defended her in battle against rogue pegasi and a psychotic dragon and proposed to her with touching style. He was far too amazing and incredible a dinosaur to not give praise and talk about.
"Rainbow Dash, you've become so caring and comforting yourself," said Fluttershy. "Being around Indominus and his friends has changed you for the better. I know that you and Indominus will do a good job of caring for Scootaloo."*
Wait, Seriff, are we sure Not a I-Rex hasn’t doped Rainbow on love potion still? Because last I checked, that’s not Rainbow Dash speaking. Please refer to my above comments on Rainbow being a brash, self-made mare who has no such time for cutesy things, as a certain nightmare in the Tantabus episode showed. I mean, it’s like Daring Do suddenly deciding to settle down with… Oh, I don’t know, Rarity of all ponies and join her in the fashion industry! It’s so out of character that I can’t help but theorize everybody in this fic has been brainwashed by Indominus and the other dinosaurs who want everything to go their way! They even turned Soarin’ into a bastard just so they could have Rainbow to themselves. ...Hmm, now that I think of it, that’s actually not a bad headcanon. What do you think Seriff?
Indominus himself feels brainwashed… I’ll tell you who the real hypnotist is here.
It’s Luna.
See, in the previous fanfic, Luna learned that Scootaloo’s cartoonishly evil parents were controlling a powerful ancient dragon, used previously to kill many ponies in Cloudsdale. Why Scootaloo’s parents were merely kicked out of Cloudsdale instead of being arrested is not explained because fuck logic.
So Luna explored Equestria and the realms for a being who could be Scootaloo’s guardian while still being powerful enough to take down that evil dragon. That led her to Jurassic World because why not.
For some reason, the story portrays Indominus and Rexy as prisoners yearning to be freed instead of the glorified zoo animals or bioweapons that they actually are. So when Luna offers them freedom in exchange for acting as Scootaloo’s guardians, they happily oblige.
...I need a Doctor. And I need to call in a meteor strike on this universe’s Equestria.
* "They've done a great job already Fluttershy, far better than my former parents ever did. In fact, all the dinosaurs have been looking after me while she and Indominus have been here." Rainbow glanced back at the group of monsters and dinosaurs at the opposite table.*
Count up the cliches, one, two, and three! Ugh, I cannot believe I just used a snippet of a great song in this review, it’s been tainted. Seriously, though, Scootaloo having abusive parents? How many times has this been done by now? Takes a deep breath for incoming rant Look, I know when this story was written Ponyville Mysteries hadn’t come out so anything regarding Scootaloo’s relations was free to imagine, no matter how crazy, but is it so hard not to make Scootaloo this poor orphan/abuse victim just to garner sympathy points? I mean, if you’re going to do it even now that she has canon aunts, and disregard canon entirely, do it well for Pete’s sakes! And before you doubt me on Scootaloo actually saying those words, as the way the dialogue is written it actually makes it look like Rainbow is saying it I refer you to the next paragraph.
* "I'm glad that they've done such a good job of caring for you Scootaloo, once the honeymoon is over I'll be helping them look after you." *
Seriously. Seriff, you have any thoughts to add on what I just said?
None of this dialogue sounds natural. It sounds like a third-grader wrote it, and that’s an insult to third-graders.
Where on Earth is Carmen Sandiego? Seriously, I want her to steal this story, then throw it into a volcano. Granted, she probably wouldn’t steal something this horrible so… But in any case this story has so much fucking padding, which is why I’m skipping over large portions of chapters, that it just begins to make you lose any sort of interest in the real story before it actually begins! In the immortal words of Monty Python… GET ON WITH IT!
This story easily could have been chopped down into 20 chapte-No, 10 with it’s content, and I don’t think anyone would mind nor would the story change really. Seriously, we’re over 20,000 words in by this point, and Not a Rainbow still has yet to become a Wonderbolt or Not an Indominus has yet to unleash his full fury. And by that, I mean become even more of a caricature. Here’s what I’m on about.
What…WHAT ON EARTH IS THIS, ABSTRACT ART?!
I wish. Granted, all art is subjective so… But anyways, can any of you guess which one of those… things in that… thing is Not an Indominus? If you can, good for you as I sure can’t!
Just to clarify, that’s the author’s idea of chapter art. Pretty clear he isn’t an artist—understatement of the century. Look, I know chapter art isn’t supposed to be as pretty as the story’s main cover art, but come on. At least try to make your chapter art look good! If you can’t do it yourself, commission a better artist!
Who’d accept commissions relating to this… abomination? But anyways… On with this shitshow. So, at one point in this chapter Not a I-Rex and Not a Rainbow -Actually, you know what, I’ll call them Another I-Rex and Another Rainbow in reference to Kamen Rider Zi-O’s twisted mockeries called the Another Riders because I want to be nerdy and less lengthy to type- are dared, more or less, to kiss each other in front of their friends. How much would you not want to pay to see the following?
* "Kiss him. Kiss him. Kiss him." The CMC were chanting the same words that the lovers had heard countless times before.
So Rainbow increased her size to match Indominus, and they held each other close in the water.
"So Indominus, shall we show them how much we love each other," Rainbow said in a sweet and delightful tone.
"I'm ready to continue our passionate loving babe, so let's do it."
Indominus held Rainbow in his claws and began lightly twirling her body through the water. He had one hand placed behind her head so he could look into her eyes. Rainbow kept giggling softly as Indominus held her so delicately and moved in for a kiss. Their lips met and from there it was the same passionate kissing that they had experienced every single time. The ponies all had blushes forming on their faces, they knew Indominus and Rainbow were being intimate, but the amount of love they were showing each other through the kisses was so adorable.
Fluttershy, Rarity and Applejack all smiled for the couple, now that they were seeing the proof of their love for each other, there was no doubt in their feelings. The CMC were applauded the couple for their strong love, T-Rex, Discord and the monsters were giving cheers from their side and the raptors gave happy cheers. Indominus and Rainbow were almost so lost in each other's embrace and kissing that they didn't hear the applause. They broke out of their passionate kissing long enough to look at their friends.
:Now do you believe that we love each other beyond the shadow of a doubt?"
"We never doubted you for a second darling, this shows how deeply you and Indominus love each other and that nothing will separate you two."
"We'll never be torn apart Rarity," said Indominus. "I'll never turn my back on my girl," before he went back to kissing his amazing wife. *
Geez, clearly these two have a thing for Public Affection. Must be their fetish. ...Oh god, I can’t believe I put this as a sexual kink! Another Indominus and Another Rainbow having a sexual kink! Scrubs brain with bleach intensely It’s almost as bad as the kink with Not Starlight and Toren’s belly rubbing! I swear, if this fic hasn’t turned me asexual by the time we’re done Seriff, I’ll be amazed.
Can we please get to the brutal murder time already, TyrannosaurusVenom?! I came here to inject my input as a medical student and here I am watching your characters kiss, kiss, and cheer on other characters kissing!
* Unfortunately, as with honeymoons, all good things must come to an end. For in the future was a challenge that would shake Indominus's relationship with Rainbow Dash, and stir up the most bitter rage that would drive Indominus over the edge. *
If it was only one of the two dying so this story could finally reach a conclusion. Sadly, it’s not.
Spoiler alert: Did you know that Rainbow Dash dies later in this story, but then gets brought back to life?
Yes. At this point, nothing surprises me. But hey, at least we’re finally going to see the pace pick up, as we finally get into Newbie Dash, the entire storyline this fic was promising us to be based around! ...Who knows, maybe Another Indominus will finally tear someone up and act like… you know, an actual dinosaur. There’s a brief filler/padding chapter in between sadly, where Rainbow gets the message of finally being a full-fledged Wonderbolt, which contains two scenes I have to laugh at.
* "For a first time dad, you're doing pretty good Indominus."
"You think so Scootaloo," Indominus said as he pulled the covers over her. "All my life, I've only ever been called a weapon or a monster."
"Those from your old world didn't understand you. They didn't the strength and heart you've shown us. You are loved and welcomed by all the ponies in Ponyville Indominus. You, T-Rex, the raptor squad, all of you are heroes to us, we could never think less of you." Scootaloo was getting sleepy so Indominus decided it was time to let her get her rest.
"Goodnight Scootaloo," Indominus said softly.
"Goodnight daddy, I love you."
Once Scootaloo closed her eyes, Indominus reached forward and gently nuzzled her face and whispered "I love you too, my amazing daughter." *
Once Scootaloo closed her eyes, Indominus reached forward and gently nuzzled her face and whispered "I love you too, my amazing daughter."
Indominus had gone back downstairs that night and told Rainbow and the others what Scootaloo had said to him.
"Well you did save her from Spoiled Rotten and Sheer Cold, and you've looked after her for months, that would leave a parental impression on a filly Indominus," said Blue. *
* "You'll still be wearing a Wonderbolt's uniform, right?"
"A reservist one, yeah."
"That's good enough for me, and I'm sure Indominus would enjoy seeing you looking good in it too." This caused Rainbow to blush, something that Scootaloo still liked seeing out of her idol/mother/sister.
"Oh please Scootaloo, Indominus thinks I look good regardless. He doesn't love me for my lo-" *
Firstly, no shit Rainbow. He loves you because you’re a good piece of meat he can eat out any… Oh god, the images in my head now. Suppose I brought that one upon myself really. Secondly, I imagine any parents Scootaloo had before this, even abusive jackasses, are better than a bunch of dinosaurs who would probably rather eat her alive than care for her… Realistically. But fuck realism in this story. Fuck logic! Fuck everything!
And yes Indominus, being seen as and called a living weapon and a monster is not surprising… Considering that’s what you were designed for! I suppose there’s a moral here about rising above your station, and becoming more then you were meant to be, and I suppose it’s… sorta heartwarming, but it’s hard to take seriously here with Another Indominus, and Another T-Rex and Another Raptor Pack. ...Owen would be so ashamed of his girls(?) right about now, for becoming what’s basically cheerleaders who do nothing.
It’s worse than that. When I started reading the author’s previous story, I was under the impression that Indominus, Rexy, and the raptors were their savage dinosaur-y selves, and they only got civilized (read: out-of-character) due to character development as the story progressed.
I was wrong.
They were out-of-character from the beginning of the fanfic. They were all friends and stuff.
I refuse to call this a fanfic. Can someone subject me to a pyroclastic flow? Actually, can someone subject everyone in this story to one of those? Seriously, lungs filling up with what is basically wet cement is a good fate for these… things.
Chapter Ten: Hidden Vengeance
(Or as I like to call it, the part where Another Indominus finally starts to act like himself again if not for the intended reasons and Rainbow becomes a crybaby who wants her dear husband to save her from ‘bullies’) ...Okay, I’ll give credit where credit is due. The author’s a better chapter namer. That’s about the only thing he’s good at though.
* The next morning came quickly and Rainbow could hardly wait to get to Wonderbolts Headquarters. The family went through breakfast and dropped Scootaloo off at school. Indominus carried Rainbow's bag with him so she wouldn't have to race back home to get it. Rainbow promised Scootaloo that she would fill her sister in on all the details when she got back. Then it was time for Rainbow to be on her way, but not before giving Indominus one more goodbye.
"See you later Indominus. I'll be sure to let you know how my first day went."
"I look forward to hearing about it my Dashie," Indominus said while nuzzling his girl. Rainbow took her suitcase and began making her way towards the Wonderbolts compound. *
Cue gagging here. 3, 2, 1, let’s do it in unison everyone!
There we go.
* -She can take care of herself and you can't always be there to save her."
"I know, but if Soarin does do anything, then you and the girls will have to stop me."
"Well what are we standing around for, let's get moving and see how Rainbow does with the Wonderbolts," said Echo.*
“She can take care of herself and you can't always be there to save her.” Sadly, the story disagrees with your logic, Another Tyrannosaurus.
* From the dinosaurs' perspectives, they saw Rainbow Dash head out of the main compound and onto the field. Scootaloo had been right when she said that Indominus would love how Rainbow looked in the uniform. He had wide eyes and couldn't take his eyes off of his girl, she looked so stunning in the sleek outfit.
"Easy there big boy, don't get too mesmerized by your girl's looks. It looks like we have some unfriendly company heading our way."
Okay, ewwwww… Again. How many times must I say it! Beastility is Depraved! Anyways, Rainbow crashes into a garbage can, like the original episode, except with a twist. Soarin’ is the cause of it, subtly smashing her into said can. You know, I gotta say, even if Soarin’ is a bastard here, he’s a much better choice than a dinosaur in terms of love interests. Seriously, he’s not going to eat you one day for one thing, and secondly, I still maintain Another Indominus doped Rainbow on love potion of some kind, all the while giving some sort of potion to Soarin’ as well that turns up his aggressive and territorial behavior. He’s fighting for his mate! It's the only logical explanation for all of this. Seriously, as I said, I’m not a SoarinDash shipper by trade, but this story wants to make me write a SoarinDash fic anyways.
There was one guy who said this fic is a bastardized Disney direct-to-video sequel. He was right.
Skipping ahead a little bit...
* "Better get to it, Rainbow Crash. That was amazing."
Rainbow took a few minutes to clean herself off before joining up with the others. Indominus saw his opportunity presenting itself, and he expanded his wings. T-Rex and the raptor squad took shelter within the clouds as Indominus took off from his perch and went skyward. He continued to climb until he was at least two thousand feet above the Wonderbolts. From such a height he could see everything that was taking place while they were going through their routine. He could even hear Spitfire giving out orders, one of which was aimed at Rainbow, who was having a tough time keeping up with the others.
"Higher Crash, you're breaking formation!" That remark made it easy for Indominus to pick out his target, especially since she was just standing on a cloud, barking orders over a megaphone.
Indominus nosed over and dove on the Wonderbolts, accelerating past five hundred miles per hour. At nearly three times the speed of the best flyers in Equestria, he closed rapidly, centering his sights on Spitfire. The lead Wonderbolt had no idea that the Untamable King was boring down on her from above. From their perch, T-Rex and the girls could just barely make out Indominus's camouflaged body. At the speed he was going, any attack that he made would be extremely painful.
"Pick up the pace Cra-"
Spitfire didn't get the chance to finish her order as Indominus punched her squarely across the face. The Wonderbolt felt her world turn on its side, felt her body go limp and became unconscious. Indominus zoomed away from his attack, too fast and too well camouflaged for any other ponies to track him. But his attack did get the attention of the Wonderbolts, who broke the routine to dive after their falling leader. Spitfire was sent tumbling out of the sky and heading towards the ground, while Indominus sat upon another cloud watching the scene play out.
Rainbow's speed grew beyond the other Wonderbolts and she pulled ahead to get closer to Spitfire. Both ponies were hurdling towards the ground, but Rainbow closed the gap between them and pulled Spitfire out of her dizzying dive. When they touched down on the runway with the others, Spitfire was slowly regaining consciousness. Her head was still spinning from the velocity and strength Indominus had put into his attack. Luckily he hadn't put any real strength into the hit, or the dinosaur would've taken her head off.
"You alright mam?"
"I think so, something really hard hit me in the face. Felt like a huge piece of concrete smacking me in the head. Yet there was nothing in the air that could do that." *
You know, this part is actually pretty cool in some ways. For one, the Another Indominus Rex is actually acting like a… You know, dinosaur! But I want to point something out here. Aside from the fact that Another Indominus is flying… somehow, if he was visible he’d be easily nailed by the Wonderbolts, top notch flyers.
Ah, yes, I have an explanation for the flying dinosaurs. In the end of the previous story, the author rips off the part where Celestia gives Twilight her wings…except this time, it’s Luna giving the other dinosaurs wings.
Complete with a ripoff of Celestia’s ballad.
And this picture.
Nicole Oliver and Tara Strong would be weeping about now. But in any case, I highly doubt Indominus would be able to avoid Equestria’s best even if he tried. If he didn’t have his camouflage ability, this would be more laughable than it already is. I mean really? This screams of what TV Tropes calls Disproportionate Retribution. And it also screams of stupidity. I mean, one would think both Another Indominus and Another Rainbow would know of a thing called… Hazing? And yet Indominus goes after every other Bolt aside from Soarin’ just because they’re insulting his mate and are associated with Soarin’. There's this quote I love from Bookish Delight that I think sums things up about this episode.
“There's nothing actually wrong with the Wonderbolts, and they're an excellent addition to the show as a RD contrast and for when you want to tell a story about malleable morals and values--they just happen to be disciplined jocks.
However, this fandom's fulla nerds who for all their smarts haven't grasped the concepts of genre-savviness and self-awareness, but do have healthy doses of unresolved schoolyard victim complex to go around. Some people are still caught up in it because they're still young and honestly, those are the ones I sympathize with. But you got way too many old folks round these parts who should know better at their age. :P
There's a drive in our society, which does have a basis in human nature, to place people--fictional characters included-- in neat little boxes. This is by and large perpetuated in media so as to not rock boats and keep the money trains rolling. Play it safe, keep characters "static" and "likable".”
I think Tyranno is one of those nerds Bookish mentioned. What do you think Seriff?
Pediatric psychiatry is still a few weeks from now in medical school, but I see their point.
Her.
Anyways, this continues throughout the entire episode, and it gets even more and more over the top, especially at the end. May I explain? Or rather show, as you’d probably not believe me otherwise.
* "You ponies think it's funny to watch others suffer!? Is this how you treat all your teammates, by breaking their spirits and taunting them?"
"Hey lighten up Crash, this is how things are done around here," said Spitfire. "Now go and get that ring Clipper, since you were the one who threw it in there."
"Ok boss."
Soarin smuggly strolled past the distraught Rainbow Dash and into the showers. He found the ring laying in a corner and grabbed it.
"I should just smash this ring, and make it look like an accident."
"If you did that, then I would have to mount your head over our fireplace."
The low, deep voice caught Soarin by surprise, then he felt a handful of claws tightening around his neck. Indominus held Soarin by the neck in a vice grip and whispered a serious threat.
"You listen to me, Wondernothing. I've seen everything that you've done to my girl today, so consider this a friendly reminder. You go near Rainbow Dash again, and I will smear your blood all over this compound, and make it look like a dragon massacred your sorry hide. I don't tolerate ponies that hurt my girl, especially ones that only want her for their own, selfish, reasons!" *
Psychopath in the works, everyone! Just watch Another Indominus become the next Freddy Krueger! News at eleven!
And then Indominus accidentally crushed Soarin’s larynx and got arrested for mareslaughter. The end.
Press X to pay respects. If only that was what happened.
But in all seriousness aside, this is just getting so ludicrous it’s actually becoming funny in a way on how so wildly OOC the Wonderbolts are. In canon, I think Spitfire would stamp her hoof and shout to put a stop to this, and then deal with Soarin’. Here, she just goes along with it. ...Actually, since when does Spitfire take orders from Soarin’, or act like she’s not in command in general? Is something else different here? Did Soarin’ advance in rank somewhere that I didn’t notice? ...Suddenly this swings back to wildly unfunny.
Also, in studying Another Indominus’ behavior, I’ve once again reached a disturbing conclusion.
https://au.reachout.com/articles/signs-of-an-abusive-relationship
Read that, and then come back and tell me Another Indominus might be a candidate for biggest abusive bastard of the year. Go on, do so. It honestly disturbs me if Tyranno thinks this is what a relationship should be like, a woman being needed to be coddled and protected. It seriously does. If you just coddled your woman like Another Indominus does, you’d probably not last long in your relationship. But then again, I’ve never been in one so what do I know? Now, Soarin’s behavior continues throughout this fic, like so, getting more and more over the top, and I’ll quote Seriff here:
What Soarin does in this story to kill indominus and claim RD:
• face Indominus down in a one-on-one battle.
• face Indominus down alongside the rest of the Wonderbolts, while the Indominus is backed up by other dinosaurs. This results in three Wonderbolts getting Fatality’ed.
As detailed below. This is not for the squeamish, but it is sadly is actual text from the story.
( It turned out Indominus had impaled Wave Chill right in the eyes with his thumb and middle sickle claws. He had just applied enough pressure to make them explode, which was why the once confident Wonderbolt was screaming in agony. Everypony could see blood pouring out of his eye sockets, and the Wonderbolt was completely helpless as Indominus towered over him. )
Hold the hell up. Indominus is a strong dinosaur with huge claws. An attack like that won’t just blow out Wave Chill’s eyes; it would destroy the bones at the back of the eye socket and allow the claws to enter the brain case. There’s no screaming in agony from that. That’s instant death.
Ah, it feels so good to use my med school knowledge!
I gave that just for you. And it is nice to see Another Indominus acting like a actual dinosaur again isn’t it?
Even if his attack is fueled by his…ick…love for Rainbow Dash.
( "How's that for an ugly creature, you ignorant, dead bastard?" Indominus then clamped his jaws down on the Wonderbolt's head, and in one swift jerk of his neck, tore the head off completely.
The Wonderbolts gasped in shock as Wave Chill's headless body began spurting blood from where his head had been and slowly staggered towards them before collapsing on the ground.)
BAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Why?! Why did his body walk by itself without a head?! Reflexes? What is this, Empress Theresa rules?
Note: Again I must stress this is actual text from the actual story. None of which should happen unless this is Mortal Kombat. I can see Lauren Faust and Michael Crichton weeping now. What this… whatever it is, is a 275,000-word tantrum against the Wonderbolts!
Man, I wish we could also look at the part where the two other Wonderbolts die.
• Soarin faces Indominus down alongside the rest of the Wonderbolts again, but after drinking a potion that makes the Wonderbolts giant and transforms him into a monster. Soarin’s potion is infused with Indominus’s DNA, which is not how any of this works. I’ll explain later.
• repeat the above for a final battle, which involves multiple transformations and fighting in an alternate dimension
Cough cough (Naruto rip-off) cough
What Soarin should have done:
• prove himself better than Indominus through charisma and character (something the author sadly would not do because Indominus is obviously superior to Soarin, or…
• exploit Indominus’s flaws and tarnish his reputation, or…
• sneak into RD’s house and kill Indominus and the dinosaurs in their sleep.
Yes, we’re not kidding. Soarin’ actually progresses this far in trying to reclaim his mate. Which eventually at some point leads to that above ghastly image I shared. Anyways, back in the present time, and the last part of this story you’ll have to thankfully bear witness to…
* He had remembered which locker Rainbow had used, opened it and took out the jacket Spitfire had handed her. Seeing that filthy nickname sewn onto the jacket, labeling Rainbow as a screw up was infuriating to Indominus. Every fiber in his body screamed for him to tear the jacket to shreds, but he stopped himself. There had to be a better way to defy those scoundrels than simply destroying Rainbow's jacket. The dinosaur looked at the symbol, then back to his body and a brilliant thought occurred to him.
"Yes, of course, a brilliant idea. Much more satisfying than simply destroying the jacket. This will be my way of defying the Wonderbolts and their horrid ways."
Indominus had to calm himself down in order for his idea to work. So he tried to think about all the time he and Rainbow had spent in Las Pegasus. The bonding and love they had shared during their honeymoon helped sooth the hate and anger in the dinosaur's heart and mind. Once he could think clearly and didn't feel so furious, Indominus got to work.
He took a claw and began to slowly trace around the symbol on the jacket. He had to take his time with this procedure, because one slip could shred the jacket. His claw carefully carved out the symbol, only taking out a thin portion of the jacket. Then Indominus placed the symbol over his arm and tried to focus on camouflaging the area that the symbol was covering. When he pulled it away, Indominus was pleased to see Rainbow's cutie mark captured perfectly on his arm. Now it was time for the hard part of his plan.
Indominus placed the symbol back over the same part of his arm, then dug his sickle claw into his skin and began to carve out the area that the symbol covered. The pain of having his own claws slicing through his skin was grueling, but Indominus didn't care about the pain. The dinosaur had experienced so much pain already from watching Rainbow suffer, so it was nothing to him. He continued to dig into his skin until he pulled out the camouflaged portion with Rainbow's cutie mark on it. He then bathed the skin with his power until it shined like polished metal.
The cutie mark on the torn out scales stood out well, and Indominus was glad it worked out. His skin was already healing itself as he placed the new symbol onto the spot he had carved out of the jacket, poured his energy onto it and watched in awe. His power was sewing the symbol back into the spot he had carved out, making it look as if the jacket hadn't even been touched. Now instead of her cutie mark crashing through a stop sign, Rainbow's jacket now had her cutie mark on Indominus's scales. It was a sign of ultimate defiance against the Wonderbolts and their rules. *
Another Indominus, emo cutter everyone! ...Yeah, by this point you can tell I’m given up trying to be respectful to this… story. Now, you’d think Rainbow… I’m sorry, Another Rainbow being the sports nut and Wonderbolts Otaku she is would know a thing or two about hazing. But no, she’s reduced to being a whiny crybaby -not without reason, as I admit that memory would sting a little- and wanting to run straight into Another Indominus’ arms. Compare and contrast with canon, where all Rainbow did was try some rather cringeworthy attempts to try and get her nickname changed. And also, never mentioned why the nickname hurt her. Granted, she sorta claimed it as her own and finally put the past behind her by the end of the original episode especially after she learned all the Wonderbolts had nicknames like hers, but still!
And that’s the biggest issue with this story. It tries to make Rainbow and Indominus look like these badasses for trying to stand up to the Wonderbolts’ abuse, but really, all it does is make them look like special snowflakes. It’s just a nickname. Grow up. Both of you.
Quite. Now, an explanation for why that DNA potion doesn’t work.
Yes. So, drugs that are injected into a vein are fully absorbed into the blood very quickly. Drugs that are drunk go through a lot of processes that reduce the amount of drug that gets absorbed and lengthen the time that it gets absorbed. There’s the acidity of the stomach, the cleaning action of the liver, the transit time from the stomach to the small intestine, that kind of stuff. For DNA, there are enzymes in the digestive system called “nucleases,” and they what these do is literally slice DNA molecules into unreadable pieces.
Not to mention that the stomach acid also slices DNA to unreadable pieces
So simply putting DNA into a potion for drinking won’t work. The “best” way for Soarin to get Indominus’s DNA into his system is to inject himself with artificial genetically engineered viruses, which can take thousands of dollars and time to create. And even, there’s no telling if that will work or just give Soarin some kind of cancer.
Which in this story might be a good thing. Makes you think upon your choices in life I hear.
Now, the part where I or rather we have to rate this piece of crap. Actually, you know what on my end at least, I won’t bother. It’s not worth a rating. Even if I gave it an unironic negative score like I did with that Doomwing trollfic, it’d probably suck all the other fics down with it like a black hole of badness.
Now, this is the end of the road for me with this fic, but if you want -And God only knows why- you guys can continue on ahead just to see how laughably bad this fic continues to get. But for me, I’m out.
Yeah, so am I. I’ll be signing off for now, but if people want me to comment on the other Wonderbolts’ deaths, I’ll be happy to oblige in the future.
Wow, such a big review.
Also:
That made my day.
That's it! I'm gettin' me mallet!
5010887
Nice to know you take pleasure from my pain.
5010896
Oh, uh... Uuuuh... Uuuuh...
I didn't mean to do that.
Why do you keep doing this to yourself? I hope you can do a review of a story you enjoy next. I get that there are tons of bad writers and stories out there but this is starting to sound like a broken record.
5010899
Hums Ain't No Rest For the Wicked
But rest assured, you and 5010891 are gonna like this, next time it's an Admiral Biscuit story.
Darn right.
Also, this text seems awfully familiar somehow...
5010907
Imitation is indeed the sincerest form of flattery.
5010901
Ooh, I like Admiral Biscuit! He's good at Slice of Life. Is the fic Chuckling Over My Cheeri-os? That's my favorite fic from that guy.
I admit, I have an emo cutter in my own epic superlongfic, but he at least has a reason for cutting himself. It's to keep count of the enemies he's slain over the years. Eventually he convinces himself that it's a form of therapy, but he argues with himself later in the story about what the girls would say. And he tries to hide it like he's involved in porn or drugs. But the fact that he's cutting himself isn't his main focus. His main focus is him fighting with himself, and the race of enemies he has been prophesied to slay, and keeping himself aloof from the more secular world.
5010897
Seriously.
5010914
I know, I was just messing with you.
5010950
Oh...
You got me.