Informal Fitness Reports (Humor) · 10:53pm Oct 8th, 2018
A Fitness Report is, in the Military and Naval Services of the United States, an evaluation of an officer or sergeant's leadership. Think of it as a performance appraisal, with certain formalities dictated by regulations and customs of the service. The formal language can be dry and understated, but informal statements tend to be rather pithy,
"His men would only follow him out of morbid curiosity." - an Army First Sergeant, on a 2nd Lieutenant inflicted upon his Infantry Company.
"I'd only follow him to Hell to make sure that he didn't get lost along the way." -a fed-up L/Cpl, about a different 2ndLt (in a different platoon than mine, thank the Lord!)
"She couldn't lead a three-year-old to the toidy; she couldn't manage a fart in a whirlwind; she's incompetent to administer an enema; and she's unfit for command of the USS Tidy-Bowl. She ain't worth shit." - yours truly, on a police "captain" who persisted only because the civil service board didn't yet have enough on her to fire her and make it stick under civil service rules, given her friends in high places.
Think of Blueblood with a commission in the ERG, for comparison...
"Me say, she Blade Runner - she run blade in you back mos' ricky-tick quick. You be boo-coo careful wit' her." - my partner at the time, on the same topic, after the fashion of street dialogue in Ridley Scott's well-known film of the same title.
Now, what might Lt. Blueblood's Royal Guard Reserve fitness report say...?
"He's always complaining about this shit and that shit, and all the little shits under his command. The only reason he smells shit on everypony else is because yelling at subordinates is the only time he takes his head out of his ass."
Good one!