Nico-Stone's Therapy Corner · 11:42pm Sep 29th, 2018
Well, Celexa wasn't doing it for me, so now I'm on Effexor XR. I still need to work on the eating right and getting more exercise parts. Also, gathering the courage to talk with a counselor. Until then, I have FIMfiction blogs, I guess. Usually my problems are petty and don't warrant mention, but I something happened today I thought was noteworthy...
I couldn't sleep well last night. My thoughts run wild all the time, especially when I lay down. Very often it's nothing but rumination on every little mistake and terrible decision I’ve done throughout my life. One of the things I most hate myself for is what happened eight years ago when my high school prom was coming up. I was asked out by a girl I'd known for many years. I had too much anxiety to ask anyone myself, so I said yes on the spot.
Of course, when the inevitable "Tell us about your date" talk came up with my family, things went south. This girl happened to be a teen mom. She got pregnant by a boyfriend the year previous. When my mom heard that, she actually laughed out loud and would later call her a slut. I allowed myself to feel shame by association.
I broke the date off over the phone. I told her straight-up it was because she had a baby and my family was prudish. To be completely honest, I did feel a little relieved to have an excuse (even a horrible one) to back out. The idea of shopping with, talking with, and dancing with someone filled me with a lot of dread. Last I heard from her was the phone instantly hanging up. I went to prom alone and she didn't show.
I've felt like the shittiest person on earth ever since.
Fast forward to today and guess who my sleep-deprived self ran into? The girl, now a woman. I was hoping she wouldn't recognize me, but then she heard my voice. She was as happy and super-friendly as I remembered her. Prom wasn't even brought up. There was no grudge against me as I was always feared. I know it was ridiculous and narcissistic for me to think she would. It's been eight years. I wasn't anyone special. Normal people move on. It's paranoid wrecks like me that can't.
I guess this meeting was somewhat closure. However, I feel it won't be complete until I give her a full apology. That's something I need to work towards... among a million other things.
Moral of the story: Screw slut-shaming, screw social anxiety, and screw sleepless nights.
.... Your family sounds awful.
I’m sorry, man. I had that problem too once with racing thoughts and not being able to sleep. I had to be on certain meds to help get things to cool down. They were Serequil and Zoloft, but it might or might not work for you. Just letting you know.
Today, I had a huge fight with my family after a few weeks of calmness and it’s making me feel prettt shitty too. I can’t tell if I should be more angry at my parents or just myself. I’m here for you, bro.
*hugs*
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I'm really sorry that a lot of that has happened. No one should have to experience such a thing.
But as I've said before, you have all of us here if you need a friend to talk to. We all are here to listen, and we are here to help. Remember that, okay?
Remember, you are a better and stronger person than you think you are.
And seriously, go see that counselor. It was hard for me too. Frankly I was terrified. And of course, I had that asshole in my head telling me not to bother because nobody cares about my stupid feelings and I’ll just embarrass myself and... Yeah, him.
But once I started, it was — well, not easy per se — it’s work. You’re retraining thought processes that might have been around for years or decades. But it’s worth it. And if you do the work it’ll help. Even if it feels like nothing possibly could, trust me, it will help.
What your mom said was pretty awful. Sorry to hear that, but hey, that gal and you are still in friendly terms. Of course, if you want to apologize to her, go for it. It's your decision.
We all need a little shame. It helps keep us in check. You just need to know what to base it on. And that definitely was not it. On the contrary, that girl deserves huge respect for keeping the baby. If I were you, I'd just find her phone #, call her and tell her just that.
Yeah, those thoughts that just won't shut up are fun, aren't they?
Happy to hear that the girl's doing well at least.
"Of every would be enemy out there, the dangers we face daily, the one thing that frightens me is myself." - Anonymous
Too often we tend to be the hardest on ourselves. We will have this idea that all anyone will remember is the poor decisions, questionable actions, and etc that happened long before. I've fallen into the same trap before, and there isn't much of a way through.