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Male. Los Angeles, California. Hmm. I have a WPM of 65. Meh. Occasionally arts. Lord of Dorkness's #1 fan. User #26976. inb4 Crossover

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The (Original) Conversion Bureau Part 2: Idiots Collide · 6:00am Jun 18th, 2018

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Hello boys and girls that I assume are reading this. I’m back with the second part of out TCB Classic Adventure, 2.6 - 2.7. At least he cut down on the arbitrary chapter divisions.

As always, a TLDR at the bottom if I ramble too much

Now, Ethan and Rainbow are going out for some flight training. Since Ethan is here for reasons unknown to everyone, including the one who got him here, might as well do something with it.

"So, you ready for your first lesson on flying?" Rainbow said, seeing the fear in Ethan's eyes.

I’d like to point out that Rainbow appears to do nothing about seeing Ethan’s fear. She could be anywhere between oblivious or slightly sadistic and we wouldn’t know.

Fluttershy not being there for moral support didn't help either, since she had to run off and care for her baby animals.

Haa, RIP that ship I guess.

"Okay, to start things off, open your wings. You kinda need them open in order to fly, you see." Rainbow said, pretending to be her least favorite flight school instructor in the process.

I’m not sure what exactly this is supposed to be telling us. Its not as if RD is going to have any sudden spikes of guilt over it, in which case she can tell us about it herself then. And who the hell thinks that imitating someone you like the least is how you teach?

Ethan stared at his wings as they instinctively opened, showing their full feathered glory. He looked at Rainbow with a toothy smile, now a little more confident he won't crash.

That’s one fast confidence jump

Seeing Ethan's fearful look returning, Rainbow decided to tease the new pegasus. "Hey, you ain't nervous, are ya?"

Hey, his fear is back. And RD does not seem to understand teaching

Rainbow Dash put her hooves on the sides of her head, massaging her temples, "This is going to be a long day..."

Ya think?

If Twilight read another word from one of her books, she was pretty sure she would explode.  

In what universe does Twilight not want to do more research? (Besides Pinkie Pie research)

Spike gasped, "What?! This is inconceivable! Sound the alarm! Call a hospital!"

Right on, my man

This reading is integral to the safety of the pony race. I need to put as much effort as I can to helping Equestria."

Good to know she cares that much about the dragons.

  "They are, Spike. But the people we're up against aren't."

Sparkle reveals that her “all humans r evil” speech was half propaganda and half exhaustion. She doesn’t truly believe it, but needed something to get her friends riled up. Manipulation of her own friends ... I don’t really think that’s in her MO.

   Twilight surrendered, and gave a heavy sigh. "I don't know, Spike. That job at the camp really got me thinking. With the amount of people willing to just out and abandon their former lives like that, you can't help but feel bad for them, you know?"
-->Some just need to be pointed in the right direction, is all. Whatever that direction is, I'm not sure.-->

So she has doubts now. Why is she doing this again?

Rarity cries in horror as Barry runs off into the Everfree Forest for thrills. My tellaphone rings again, blah blah blah

Before anyone could say anything else, the group set off into the Everfree Forest. They didn't want to waste any time, because another minute wasted could be another mile deep Barry could be in the forest.

First of all that just means you guys are just as unprepared for the forest as Barry is. Firefighters act quickly, but they still make sure they got their gear on, because arriving on scene only to burn themselves helps no one.
Two, does Barry have that little regard for his own safety? How has he not gotten mauled from trying to hug random racoons? How has he not randomly run off into a savanna with a pointy stick? Maybe he shouldn’t have been given magic; he thinks he’s a god now.

Ethan was just barely keeping up, but he seemed to be getting the hang of flying.

It would be really nice if the author didn’t just completely skip over his flight lessons. We didn’t even get a training montage. Instead, it looks like Ethan mastered flight in 10 sentences flat.

Ethan, for one, was elated.

And as equally nonchalant about Forest trekking as Barry.

   "Barry, what are you doing?! Let's get out of here before you get yourself killed!" Twilight said, sounding like an overprotective mother.
   "But isn't this cool?" Barry said, totally oblivious.

Why was this idiot chosen to gain unrivaled magical power and a place on a secret mission?

Barry fired a particularly large bolt of magic onto a nearby tree, causing two massive branches to fall from it. The bigger of the two hit Rainbow Dash, pinning her to the ground. The other hit Barry, whacking him off the cliff.

Its as if one should teach gun safety first before giving a guy a gun.

Ethan looked to his new friends quickly, but they were watching Barry falling down the seemingly bottomless ravine,

Good job, Twilight. You had one job.

Listen, you have the potential to be a great flier, you just need some practice."
   "I'm sure. Thanks for teaching me, Rainbow."

This would be nice if we knew exactly how much RD had trained him. Seriously, did they flap around for 5 minutes or 5 hours?

 Twilight trotted up to the two pegasi with a smile

Really? No stern lecture about safe magic usage? No panic about almost losing one or both of their apparently super unique humans?

The environment around them was much cleaner, and it felt like one of the few places Ethan had known of that he wasn't afraid to drink the tap water..--->..While some may see it as inhuman, Ethan saw it as perfect.

It’s as if places like this don’t exist on Earth. Hmmmm. Have you ever weighed the choices of “changing one’s species permanently” vs “going somewhere else to live?”

Ethan looks at the moon, the Sisters compliment each other on their celestial body raising, which comes across as confusing to me since I can’t tell what’s special about making something go up and down. Speaking of which, are their celestial objects separate from Sol and our Moon? Considering they’re supposedly still on Earth. WTF is with this solar system.
Then a person wants to Magic Skype call from the US.

Her features were hard to make out, and it was as if the lights were turned down on purpose for the sake of her identity being revealed.
   "I thought I told you not to call from this number anymore." Celestia greeted the figure, half-joking.
   "Yeah, well, I just couldn't resist." The figure replied, in a strikingly un-feminine voice. It sounded very dry, cold, and strict, but also very sinister.

I can’t tell if they’re supposed to be friends or not. Friends don’t talk like this, and someone who’s been butting heads for a while probably wouldn’t greet each other like this either.

   "Because, the human world is dying. We can't go on the way we are now. And the only way we can is to move into your place for a while."

That’s not how this works. That’s not how any of this works. Has UN collapsed so completely that randomly moving an entire government into effectively another country is seen as ok?

And another thing: I thought Equestrians started moving out of Equestria because of overpopulation. Why the hell are they letting anyone in?

(Another plot point that gets dropped, assuming Equestrian claims of overpopulation are true, anyways)

Celestia lowered her guard, remembering her stupidity, "I know better now, and that's why I opened the ponification camps. So that the supporters of ponykind can finally be with their brethren in Equestria."

What, so the Purple Juice was just a paperthin excuse to let humans in so prejudices caused by Mr. Spooky here can be deftly sidestepped?
That’s ... actually pretty clever. Still doesn’t explain the overpopulation issue though. And it still seems like Twilight is going to bring a sledgehammer and crash this project.

Next, Ch 6 ends, and Ch7 begins.

Twilight continues to read about human history, giving off the impression that she had done no prior planning and went headon into this conspiracy with barely an idea.

Despite his heroic efforts the other day, and his successful flying lessons, he couldn't shake off the fact that he wasn't a human anymore. He loved his new friends, and he was glad Barry was along for the ride, but he missed his human friends. His ---> (etc)

I thought he already had friends who drank the Koolaid earlier. Where the hell did they go?

Good out, Spike!

Oh hey, first typo.

   It would seem that Equestria is on the brink of an attack from the humans. I plan to come to your library in Ponyville to we can discuss this further, because I'm sure you and your friends must have many questions about the task at hand. No need to reply, I will be there before you know it.

   ~Princess Celestia

So that one lady speaks for the entire human race now? So what, instead of collapsing, UN turned into Assholes Inc? Ok then.

Meanwhile, Twilight gets Barry to call everyone to the library, despite no indication that they got introduced to where their homes were, but whatever.

You haven't met the Princess yet. You've only been in Equestria a couple days."

.....Days? What? When did that happen? Gah! I thought this was the second day.

Her mane was cotton-candy pink, much like Pinkie Pie's, but this mare's coat was a very pale white, much like a ghost's.

Hello Sunny Skies, I haven’t met you before.

Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash flew in through the upstairs window.

I don’t remember Fluttershy doing window entrances with any regularity.

"Well, it's very nice to finally meet you two. Welcome to Equestria." Celestia said, greeting Ethan and Barry in a very motherly, amicable way. Now a little less nervous, Barry stammered for a greeting. "H-hi, your majesty."

More telling, and Blaze screws up dialogue separating for the first time. Not bad.

"They've already met my friends, and we've agreed to go on with our plan."

You were planning? I thought you spent the entire day studying.

  "Listen. We can't just go on living thinking all humans are bad." [Celestia said]

....wow, I did not expect Celestia of all ponies advocating thinking this war thing through a bit.

 "I understand your sentiments, Rainbow Dash, but it simply isn't true. Humans are normally very kind people, and these two here are the prime examples of it."

<Mind Blown>
Does this mean that the Purple Juice in its original incarnation ... does exactly poop to one’s mind? HAAAAAAAAA.

Or, you know, the Twilight Conspiracy fucked it all up.

"I supported the construction of the Conversion Bureaus,<-------> because I wanted humans to see the world through our eyes, and to help them get out of their dying world. It's clear that the human society simply cannot go on the way it is now, and that's why we encourage the integration."

1) Holy shit
2) Why do they need to be permanently pony, and why are you ponies going into their world if its a dying one?
3) What about the pony overpopulation thing?

They call themselves the Human Liberation Front, and believe solely in the survival of the human race. They formed when we started the ponification campaign,

Hey, its you fuckers.
Apparently their thing is to want to stop immigration to Equestria.

American human population as dropped 30%

Yo, you alright? There’s a lot more typos in this chapter.

   "Oh, it's fine, Princess." Fluttershy added, "We know how nice humans are. There are a lot of wonderful new ponies moving in, and they are so kind to us..."

Celestia explains her miscommunication was due to the HLF acting as if they were the voice of humanity. Blaze continues to ignore the pony overpopulation problem. Questions mount over how much Twilight’s speech of the Purple Juice (TM) getting rid of humanity’s badness also resulted from Celestia’s screw up. Because that whole “New Foal” thing seems to have been made up whole cloth so far.

   "Well, Rainbow, I don't think you should be one to talk. Walk a mile in a human's shoes, and you'll see why some are so cynical and mean all the time." Ethan said, being oddly protective. Even Rainbow was surprised from Ethan's sudden defensive manner.

First Ethan was quick to call humans full of greed and selfishness, suddenly he wants to defend them now. Alrighty then.

Maybe there should be a Conversion Bureau in Equestria that gives out the Yellow Juice (TM)

   "I was just getting to that. Ponies are very pacifist, as you all know, so we will not be fighting back.

I find the complete lack of XenoCelestia to be very hilarious for some reason
Anyways, Celestia’s first plan of action would be to increase the power of the shield that keeps the humans out. This is already more coherent than whatever bullshit Twilight was thinking of.

You will need to go to The Ruins of the Ancient Pony Sisters, and search there. The spells should be in a book of forbidden magic hidden deep in the ruins themselves.  


Ok, first off, she states that the shield is getting worn down from decades of use. Alright, first, who casted the thing, and why did they shove it into a ruins in the middle of nowhere?

Second, if its only been up for decades, how did it keep humans from going in a century or so back? Do you have a serious issue with timescales?

And with that, the Princess teleported away in a flash of blinding magic.

Guess she just doesn’t bother with guards. Poor guys.

   "I will need you (Barry) to come over tomorrow. I need to teach you some advanced magic, and fast. Lessons begin as soon as you get up tomorrow."

Twilight continues to not give any warnings about wild magic usage, Barry continues to show no regret or consideration about his near death experience.

Ethan goes to his bed, and for whatever reason waits for them to leave before committing to sleep.

End chapter.

RD teaches Ethan to fly in what feels like an absurdly short period of time.

Twilight reads up on human history and feels bad for them.

Barry shows no sense of self-preservation nor sense of fictional weapon safety, and almost gets himself killed. Nobody seems to be alarmed about it.

The Human Liberation Front is apparently the reason why Celestia thought humanity is evil.

The “Pony Overpopulation” plot seems to have gone nowhere, and everyone is perfectly happy to let newcomers in, while ponies seem perfectly happy moving into a “dying world”

HLF seem to really only want to stop the Bureaus, they are still perfectly fine invading Equestria for land space, without consideration of how long this can last before not learning from what screwed up the world the first time around. Which the ponies still haven’t lifted a single hoof to do something about.

Celestia’s plan is to boost the shield, the instructions for it seem to be buried in ruins for some reason. Blaze’s concept of time seems to be really off.

Twilight still doesn’t have a plan for Barry and Ethan besides a vague sense of training them to get used to their pony body.

The Overpopulation plotline seems to have been forgotten.


At the very least, he has a bit better sense of what things are happening now that he’s not rushing to get out of suburbia, though since everything is built off the incoherence of the first chapter, a lot of what’s going on still doesn’t really make any sense.

Fluttershy has absolutely no interaction with Ethan whatsoever, here’s hoping that subplot falls out of his memory. The subplot that I desperately want them to talk about, pony overpopulation, is completely gone, still.

This is where the HLF first comes in, though they seem a lot more well organized than most iterations, and amusingly enough they want to invade Equestria. How so many little bits and pieces seem to have fallen through the cracks on fan-fanfics is quite amusing.

Twilight still acts like a flailing moron because he never set up any rhyme or reason for any of her actions. She exists to get Ethan and Barry here, and apparently nothing else.

And who knew, apparently the Purple Juice does nothing to your mind. Everything was overinflated fear and superstition. Though one wonders how many just go back to their old job as a pony. Of course Twilight’s line gets buried in everyone’s mind anyways.

The pacing is still lightning fast, as usual, despite only a day or so passing due to how little Blaze ever slows down to describe some things and just tellaphones it all in. All the other characters only pop in once in a while for a one liner, which makes me suspect he doesn’t really know how to write them.

Right now, from what we have to work with, the ponies are really only guilty of a crime of apathy, if you must even go that much. They apparently spent a good chunk of resources into a potion instead of making organizations that tried to deal with the problems humans were facing, especially if the potion does nothing to one’s mind.

A cultural takeover would’ve made far more sense than a literal species change. But I’m not Blaze, originator of a thousand fixfics of his own fic. Really, Celestia seems like the most level headed one out of a sea of idiots.

50% of the way there, wooo

Also, welcome our new guest, the Makeshift Chapter Bar.

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