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AppleTank


Male. Los Angeles, California. Hmm. I have a WPM of 65. Meh. Occasionally arts. Lord of Dorkness's #1 fan. User #26976. inb4 Crossover

More Blog Posts152

Jun
15th
2018

"The (original) Conversion Bureau, Part 1", aka I'm not drunk enough for this: · 4:39am Jun 15th, 2018

In terms of how much they have impacted a fandom, several fics come to mind. Fallout: Equestria spawned a massive sub-fandom that still goes on to this day.

My Little Dashie is another infamous one, though one its author regrets. It spawned numerous copycats in its heyday, though its hard to find any nowadays that aren’t updating relics from back then.

Cupcakes was many people’s first introduction to pony fanfiction, and to my regret likely one of mine too. It became rather infamous, and referenced ... but outside specific contests and the occasional art piece, you’d be hard to find goreporn like it anymore.

Past Sins is another notorious work, though who really writes fan-fanfic of it, besides 2 or 3 other authors that don’t write parodies?

There is another fic from the days of gDoc Pony that seems to have fallen off the radar, which, due to the frequent controversy and flamewars, I’m not surprised of its niche status. That fic, is the infamous The Conversion Bureau. At only four released chapters, its one of the shorter ones, yet created two massive groups that once were at each other’s throats, now told to sit on seperate sides of the fence and glare at each other.

What was the progenitor of the infamous “Conversion Bureaus” and the “magic radiation of death”?

   Through warfare and species-exclusive diseases, humans have begun a steady decline in population and general health. The ways humans have destroyed the world around them, through pollution, greed and unhealthy living conditions, have led the humans to realize the error of their ways, but it had been too late. Ponies, being a hardy, largely pacifistic folk, had slowly become the majority in world population (but only just so). It was becoming clear the time of the human was coming to a close. Soon, scientists of both human and pony worked together to create a formula to, in a sense, "ponify" a human, and hopefully keep society from collapsing. Their long term plan was to start a thriving, pony-centric world for generations to come.

Goddammit, Blaze, I regret this already.

Welcome to the Conversion Bureau. I hate everything

(There’s a tldr at the bottom if you wish to skip to the summaries, because holy shit this is bland.)


Prologue:
Apparently ponies and humans lived next to each other for centuries, before shit started to go downhill.

From the Author (READ FIRST): I've seen a lot of backstories written about how Equestria is simply a post-apocalyptic Earth set in the distant future. I decided to expand on it in a much less...grimdark fashion. It may seem very human-centered in the beginning, but you'll see more ponies as the story progresses. Enjoy. 9_6

No shit. I think you don’t really understand grimdark. I seriously question how “harmonious” the ponies are if they just let them die. And you guys are suffering from overpopulation too, so you guys aren’t exactly the best at keeping stable. Sooner or later you’ll overrun Earth if you can’t get rockets going.

Chapter 1

Most humans understood the decline in the population, and would much prefer to be a pony

Doubt

The two friends man-hugged at first glance of each other.

I question why this needed to be there. Also it reads clunky as hell.

Chapter 2: Let the Game Begin

Why are you dividing this into chapters? This is one long document.

The unicorn pony was very calm and studious looking, but still looked like she'd be nice if you talked to her

What the hell are these descriptions

Humans such as yourselves have brought your world to shambles, all because of the selfish greed of big business, and the horrible health habits of the majority of the population."

Seems like a interesting way of placing blame on randos for the damages of others

And that was not a 20 minute speech. It was kinda bland, I’ll give you that.

He wasn't really that good at talking to ponies that much, and that coupled with his normal social awkwardness is a horrible combination.

Excuse me, my tell-aphone is ringing.

I want to go through with it, but I'm a little...for lack of better word, suspicious, of the anonymity of the process itself.

Ah, the Anti TCBs.

Twilight, a little taken aback by how surprisingly wordy he is, despite how shy he was at first impression, stopped what she was doing and looked at Ethan

Dammit dude.

"Oh, sure." Barry said, a little surprised, "Don't let him get on your flank, Twi. See you guys later!" And with that, he rushed back to his dorm,


Ethan looked back out the doorway to see Barry waving his hands wildly in the air looking at Ethan in impatience.

Why are you still here, Barry.

Most of his other friends have already gone through the ponification process, and now it was his turn
(Ch1)
.
He wasn't really that good at talking to ponies that much (Ch2)

I thought you had friends.

Oh, and instead of a scene break like normal people, this is split into another “chapter,” again.

It's really short, I'm surprised. Technology is amazing..."

Haha bullshit, this is magic

and many pegasi were seen flying overhead, with a look of sheer elation plastered on each of their faces. Anyone could tell from where they were standing that these ponies were having the time of their lives.

We noticed

A bush rustled nearby. Not right next to Ethan, but within earshot where he was curious. He heard it again, followed with some light mumbling.

Jeez this entire line is clunky.

The pony gasped, clearly frightened by Ethan's sudden appearance.  

Fucking hell.

Ethan couldn't shake off the fact that Fluttershy seemed to always be so quiet. Even with how friendly they've gotten, where she could finally speak full sentences to him without squeaking in fright, she seemed to be perpetually reclusive.

It’s as if we’ve never seen the show before. I will give him this, there’s no typos at least, as far as I can tell, and its written correctly. Just ech.

"C'mon, Fluttershy!" she shouted impatiently, "Quit talkin' to your new friend and help me greet the new pegasi! We still need to teach 'em to fly, you know!"

Clearly, we have not seen the same show

 Barry arrived seconds later, but unbeknownst to Ethan, had been there the whole time.

There are far better ways of revealing this info. Apparently Barry ships Ethan/Fluttershy

He just missed seeing Barry as a human for the last time. While this may not be a big deal, considering at least he'd still see him, this was still a life changing event for Barry, and Ethan felt horrible for missing the beginning of it.

Was I this bad? The amount of telling in this fic is mindboggling.

I think I should take him...for lack of better saying, under my wing...because we could use him to our advantage."

Annnnnnd there begins the infamous conspiracy

"I hope you know, I don't like it when you hide things from me." Celestia replied sternly.

Oh, so its Twilight with the secret plans now.

"Oh, no. I have plans for him. You'll see." Twilight responded.
[10 seconds later]
"Don't worry, Princess. My intentions are anything but bad. It's just I...haven't really planned what to do with him yet."

Make up your damned mind, Sparkle. Be fucking embaressed.

"Well, be sure to get him here safely. We don't want any humans running around Equestria willy-nilly like this. Make sure he's a pony when the time comes for him to be."

Implications of magic radiation bullshit?

Ethan couldn't help but be a little sad. He knew this was a good thing for Barry, and to an extent, Earth, but he couldn't shake the fact he'll never see human Barry again. There were certain things in his mind that made human Barry unique that they can't replicate in a pony. Barry's choice in clothing, for instance.  

And the other half of the flame war joins the party, welcome TCB enthusiasts.

Every single thing with eyes was using them to stare right at Ethan at that moment. It was as if Ethan were naked right now. It was his worst nightmare.

As much as I sympathize with him, it would be great if I could know how he was feeling instead of it being told to me.

"Right. Let's get this over with. I have a salon appointment at 7 that I simply cannot miss." Before Ethan could speak, the pony continued, "I'm Rarity, and I will be your ponificator today. Are you feeling any stress at this moment?"

Really?

Rarity put the tools down and retrieved a paper cup filled with a purple, viscous liquid, and a syringe. Ethan cringed at the sight of the needle, as he was deathly afraid of them.

  1. Ayy, its the purple menace.
  2. Can needles be referred to as syringes?
  3. T-t-t-tell a phone

Chapter 5: In Which Something Else Happens

Another line break that’s also a chapter. There’s a short dream sequence that feels completely arbitrary and then he wakes up a pony.

 He had a light navy blue coat, with a blonde tail to match his mane. Again, his mane was almost identical to his hair as a human, and had kept it's light blonde hue. The next thing he noticed was his wings, which opened at Ethan's will as he stared at them, mesmerized. Twilight walked back to the bed Ethan was laying on, and started poking him in different random places.
   "Well, the ponification seemed to have worked like a charm." Twilight said astutely.

I am curious how the whole “name changed” thing came about, since it doesn’t appear to be a thing here.
Also Ethan appears to be part of Twilight’s secret society now.

"Ethan's here, we're going to do the thing."
   "The thing?" Spike asked, dumbfounded.
   Twilight let out a heavy sigh, "The mission briefing."

I thought Twilight’s thing was to use the overly complicated word before having to simplify. Not “the Thing”.

"Oh! That thing! Why didn't you just say so? I'll be right down."

Thank you Spike.

"Alright, I'm sure you all know why we're here."

Excuse me, Twilight, while I explain to you how that’s cow poo, since you appear to have forgotten Ethan was recruited 5 minutes ago.

 "Oh! Oh! I love guessing games!.....
.....  Applejack muffled Pinkie's speech....
..... "Thank you. Well, that was the answer I was expecting, anyway. I haven't informed anyone about what we're doing today except Spike."

What the hell. You didn’t even have the excuse of wanting to quote a famous line.

"Sure I do!" Rainbow Dash blurted out, "It's because they didn't know how to control their greedy, fat butts from getting too greedy and fat for their own good, and now they're gonna dump all of the people over here!" Rainbow then looked at Ethan, who was a little shocked, "Er, present company excluded, of course."
"It's fine, Rainbow Dash. I know us humans have trouble controlling their stubborn pride. All they want is more of everything. More money, more food, more industry and pollution. There's no reason behind it but blind greed and hatred."

Ah, there’s our world famous misanthropy. Nice to see you paint every single person across history with the same brush.

Now, there's nothing wrong with turning into a pony. You lose that 'human nature' that keeps you greedy and selfish, and you become more carefree and friendly. Ethan and Barry would understand this more than anypony here, since they were humans only yesterday."

I like to question how one does this without effectively warping one’s personality, but clearly nobody cares.

"Well, no one is volunteering to be ponified.People are too afraid to abandon their fleshy ape-bodies to live the pony life. They feel like the process in itself is way too risky to give a shot, even though tests have been made over the past ten years to confirm to the public that the process is completely harmless."

Ahaha, what? Let me pull up some quotes from the earlier sections:


Most of his other friends have already gone through the ponification process,


PONIFICATION CAMP OPENS; HUNDREDS FLOCK TO JOIN PONY SOCIETY


The once-crowded suburban complex he called home was now barren, with only a few of his neighbors still going about their business, and some ponies are seen bustling through the streets (and skies above)

I also seem to recall the Bureau camps to be decently full of humans all the time. If Blaze wanted to push this idea harder Barry and Ethan should have come in with a group smaller than 5, instead of the cheering hallways they went through. Keep your own damn plotline straight. Admittedly, hundreds isn’t all that much, though I wonder if this is because its a special event, or Blaze has no sense of scale.

Think of the money they could rake in from selling houses in Equestria!" The other ponies looked at Ethan with a look of disdain. "Oh! I think I got a little too into that, I'm sorry. That's not what I think, it's what they think!"

I’m having serious trouble figuring out how Pone!Ethan is any different than Human!Ethan.

He is right. And that's exactly what the humans plan on doing. They want to move into Equestria, human form and all, and ruin the sanctity and peace-of-mind that this land has come to embrace over the last century!" Twilight was clearly getting riled up about this conversation.

I can’t help but notice that this seems to imply “harmony” has lasted for less than 150 years. What would we find if we go back before this century? And considering this implies you’ve been on Earth for longer than you were harmonious, this smells of hypocrisy. How did you guys end up on Earth, anyhow? Everyone comes up with world shattering theories, like Celestia’s mass teleporting the crust or wormholes causing giant tsunamis, but according to Blaze they’re just ... there.

Twilight took a few breaths, regaining her composure, "Yes, Applejack. But the technology the humans have made over the last few decades may be able to counteract the magic surrounding the land. Think about it, if they can turn humans into ponies, they can get humans here no problem."

Which ... is what you wanted to happen all along? Unless you’ve doped the Purple Stuff with something special. Though hey, here’s a plot element I’ve yet to find other people use. Humans making their own Pony Potion without the mindwarp.

Except if you read the Prologue you realize that HUMANS AND PONIES WORKED TOGETHER ON THE POTION.

"So, why am I here?"
   "I'm glad you asked, Ethan. You're here because you know the ways of the humans. You know how they think. You can get into their heads in ways that us ponies just wouldn't be able to."

... Is nobody asking why they specifically chose Ethan out of the hundreds of humans happily drinking the Grape Koolaid? Ethan’s “special” because he used to be a human, except the fact that the Bureaus seem to have a constant stream of converts. Outside the fact that he’s our protag for the day.

"What about Barry? Should he be here?"
   "He already heard all of this. In fact, he helped me bring you here. At the moment, he's in Whitetail Wood practicing his magic abilities. I brought him not only because he's very competent in magic for a pony, let alone a former human, but because I felt like you needed a friend to accompany you. Another human."

Didn’t Ethan have a bunch of friends who sorta kinda peer-pressured him into this? Where the hell did they go? And if Barry is here because of his magic, what the hell is Ethan here for? What is this story?

"Do you have a plan in mind? How will we go about stopping the humans if we don't know when they will come after us?" [Ethan]

Seems like he changed sides pretty damn quick.

"Well, I haven't come up with an exact plan yet, but I think what we should worry about now is you getting your pony legs. Spend tomorrow learning the ropes of being a pony, and a pegasus at that. Rainbow Dash, I'll leave Ethan with you to teach him how to fly..."

Wait, if you don’t know what you’re doing yet, what was the whole rushed procedure (they accelerated his ponifying date) all about? Why? Did you run out of plot threads that interested you in the Bureaus and decided to randomly railroad Ethan into Equestria?

"It's fine, Fluttershy. You can help Rainbow teach me how to fly." Ethan said reassuringly.
   "Oh, okay." Fluttershy said, with more confidence.

Oh, and the author ships Fluttershy with his OC too, now, I guess.


Right, so, Tldr
Prologue: Humans and ponies apparently lived next each other for centuries. Humans sucked, and started dying off with the pony’s only offer to help is the Purple Juice instead of, I dunno, medicine.

Chapter 1
Ethan goes to the Bureau, and meets up with Barry, in which they do friend things, because Blaze says so.

Chapter 2
Twilight blames everyone in the room for the damages businesses have done.
Ethan talks to Twilight about his doubts.

Chapter 3
Ethan sees a guy walk away a human and come back a pony
Ethan goes outside and meets Fluttershy.
Barry ships them

Chapter 4
Barry is pony now.
Twilight conspiracies against Celestia, maybe, and is bad at plans, definitely.
Ethan gets called early to be ponied.

Chapter 5
Ethan wakes up in Equestria.
Twilight rants about humanity, and admits she doesn’t know what to do with Ethan right now.
Fluttershy wants to be near Ethan and help Rainbow teach him.

And that is the end of Chapter 1.1 to 1.5. Jeezus Christ, if you may have noticed I am rather disappointed about how poorly written this thing is. It would’ve been just another wish fulfillment fantasy regarding some convoluted way to wake up as a pony in Equestria, but instead people read into the misanthrope message and started up schools of thought after it.

The author can barely keep the plotlines straight, he skips scenes and nobody knows why they’re speeding up the timetables, days go by in the blink of an eye because he can’t think of shit to write about via use of excessive “telling the reader stuff happened”. Fluttershy cozies up to him in an hour, because gotta have that waifu checkbox. And fucking noone ever explains why Ethan is so fucking special. People actually read this and found it interesting? What the hell is wrong with you people.

Holy shit why. This ... this is the original wish fulfilment. I’m going to sleep.

Side note: I find it amusing that certain plot events seem to have never been picked up by anyone else, though admittedly I haven’t read much. Besides, with how bad the author is at keeping his own story straight, I’m not surprised the first readers could either.

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Comments ( 9 )

Edit 1: I forgot ending bits. Please refresh

You should submit this to Rage Reviews.

Ya know, I would really want to rant more about it, but there's really nothing to talk about. It's just bland. It pops up some interesting (read: inflammatory) ideas here and there, but its either poorly executed or he straight up forgets about it. He seems to really want to hamfist the idea that "humans are evil" but with our only representative of humanity being Joe Rando, there really isn't any substance to it. With the ponies, Twilight especially, seeming to be conspiring against Celestia, or at least keeping things close to her chest about the shenanigans she's preparing to pull, doesn't exactly paint ponies in the best light either.

I can only conclude that this was some teen's angsty wish fantasy that got completely blown out of proportion by people who read too deep into a shallow puddle.

4883059
i forgot they existed

4883059
Looking at the Rage Review page, they're far too professional for me. I'm just stream of consciousness rambling.

Surprised you didn't mention Displaced or Five Score.

Or human peaches~! :raritystarry:

Guilty pleasures of mine aside... Yeah, I won't deny both those trends had a lot of low-effort, wish-fulfillment crap associated with them. Lots of one, two chapter stories that never went anywhere, and in hindsight I do get why the mods where tearing their hair out with both of those.

Conversion Bureau on the other hand... Way, way, way more toxic fandom, but you've never seen those type of fic floods, so I think that's one of the reasons they've been left more alone in general despite on the whole reflecting so poorly on the fandom thanks to their (in-general) strong misanthropic themes.

4884076
I'm mainly talking about old fics that had an impact, especially from the gDoc era. Most of the others, good plot or not, at least were written coherantly.

Also, to be honest, i never figured out which was the first Displaced fic.

You know this shit is bad when I have to skim read the fucking blog riffing on it because the quality of the quotes are that goddamn low. Ho-ly jumping Christ.

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