An Asshole With Too Much Time On His Hands Review #1: The Equestrian Samurai! · 10:05am Apr 26th, 2018

Note: I did this because this fic pissed me off and I didn't want all this to go to waste as the author went on a deleting spree before. Enjoy my trashing!

Another note: Talked with the original author. They took it on the chin and the comment won't be deleted. However, I'm still keeping this here, because I want to archive my in depth verbal thrashings.

A third and final note: Story has been deleted. I now have the only known record of it ever existing, since even FImfetch didn't catch it. Lucky me!

Hi there, I'm an asshole. I have too much time on my hands. Let's review bad fanfiction!

Today's fic is The Equestrian Samurai by LMB Officer with a 7:9 like to dislike ratio. Does it deserve it? Let's begin!

When you think of equestria, you think of happiness, fun, and friendship, but when a strange Stallion arrives in Ponyville, the Main 6 make it their mission to find out the past, but what they learn shocks them and all of equestria is reminded of lost history.
Characters name is hotaru- japanese for Firefly
Uses a 1095 high carbon + folded steel katana with the engraving
(不名誉の前の死)
(fumeiyo no mae no shi)
(death before dishonor)

This is something I'd write either ironically or when I thought that Fallout: New Vegas was the shit and I was blasting American Idiot each and every time I wandered the wastes of Nevada...

Ah, to be young and stupid again.

as the countryside went by Hotaru couldn't help but think about how his new home would be like, growing up he was taught that Honor and kindness go above all else.

This is... A start. Inconsistent capitalization. The next 1000 or so words are going to hurt, aren't they?

'flashback'
"Papa why is Honor so important," the young Hotaru asked the elder as he trained with the sword.

Not two lines in and we're in a flashback? Also, what sword? Who is this elder? Where are they? How old was Hotaru at this point? 6? 4? 12?

The world may never know. Also I'm just pointing this out, honor isn't a proper noun, you don't need to capitalize it. I get that it's a running theme in this, but it just looks ugly when you do that. Also Hotaru should be asking a question, not taking a break from speaking,

"because young firefly, we are Samurai, honor is the most important thing to us," the older pony said showing Hotaru the history of Samurai culture.

... So you capitalize the first two uses of honor, then don't do the last one in the chapter? Should I be more angry at the lack of consistency, or the fact that you managed to get it right the third time around?

Also you left out a capital b on because. Start of a sentence always needs a capital. I'll try to stave off from future basic grammar errors, but get a proofreader or something. English might not be your first language, but you can ask someone to proofread it who IS fluent in English to help with this!

Flashback end

That was a fast flashback. All you've established with that is that Hotaru had a master who he trained under and was taught honor at an early age.

Which is... A thing, I guess?

Hotaru currently sat on the train with his helmet and mask covering his face and head, other ponies looked at him with strange looks since they have never seen the Samurai. He had been to Ponyville once before with his papa, who now was one with the spirit realm, as the train came to a stop he looked around and realized he had zoned out and that a certain mare had been staring at him for a while, along with her child who kept looking at him not with fear but with wonder. As he got off the train he saw how much the town had changed from the last time he was here as he looked he didn't notice the pink pony walking towards him with a smile plastered on her face.

Suddenly a giant paragraph that says a lot but describes nothing. Guy has a helmet and mask, ponies look at him weird, that's to be expected. Also I guess his father's dead now, so R.I.P. any chance of knowing who he was as anything more than a revenge fantasy catalyst or something like that.

Hey wait a second is that Pin-

"HI THERE!" the sudden voice caused Hotaru to whip out the katana and slice at the unknown attacker, looking he saw he chopped off a ponies mane and looking he saw a pink pony cowering under the blade, pulling it back he quickly said a prayer asking forgiveness for his actions before turning back to the pony.

Well, not even a chapter in and we have one of the Mane 6 being met. That was what? 270 words? Counting the unnecessary title underneath the chapter title?

Anyway, aside from assaulting someone for startling you, nothing much to say here.

"I... apologize... for my actions you simply startled me," he said picking the pony off the ground and waiting to hear what she was saying. "OH it's okay... *cough* my names Pinkie Pie who are you?" Pinkie noticed the strange clothing and the equally strange armor but didn't question it. "My name is Hotaru, it is... nice to meet you," he said giving a smile as the pink pony suddenly pulled out a cupcake and hooved it to Hotaru, "many thanks," he said as he gave a bow, the pink party pony gave one in return before realizing she had to plan a party for this mystery pony and ran off before Hotaru could ask. 'strange' he thought as he continued on moving towards the town hall so he could claim his home.

Where did the armor come from? Why is Pinkie still so enthusiastic about meeting a pony who just tried to fucking decapitate her? Why is there no paragraphing on this incomprehensible wall of text. Pro tip: Any time there's a new speaker, time, place, whatever. Multiple speakers in a paragraph is horribly lazy, because it means you didn't press enter a couple of times when proofreading, if even that.

This is doubly bad since I had to split this paragraph up into two to even begin tackling it.

time skip 1 hour brought to you by Hotaru slicing open a cake with a Katana.

What is this. There are 1001 better ways to write a transition that to flat out tell the reader that it is a transition. If my immersion wasn't already broken by the shoddy pace and laughable grammar, THIS would. NEVER do this. NEVER. I feel I have to emphasize this point, as it's a deliberate slap in the face to all the people who read this, including the ones who called this "good."

Look, your own personal taste is your own, but when a fic is insulting your intelligence like this, you have to ask why. Dear sweet Starlight Glimmer, save me now.

The home was like his old families one, a small temple style with a pond and blossom trees, as well a bonsai tree located inside the home, looking around he saw a place to put his armor, a stand designed for armor to be put on display, with a place for his families sword beneath it, after placing the sword on its mantle I walked over the tree and began trimming.

Well, there's some description at least. It brings up way too many questions, such as "When has there ever been Asian style architecture in the show." and "How convenient is it that it's exactly like his old home in the middle of Bumfuck Nowhere, Equestria, I wonder who would be insane enough to do this?"

Wait...

after placing the sword on its mantle I walked over the tree and began trimming.

I walked over the tree and began trimming.

I

Inconsistent pronouns or self insert, you decide.

A few hours later

Another transition? Dude, you had one a paragraph ago. The actual fuck is this.

This pacing is more out of whack than me on cider. And I wish I had some at 10:24am so I could drink this out of my memory forever.

After Hotaru left his home and went off to the market, he realized it was reaching around the evening, while buying some things for his home including some koi for the pond he made his way home, noticing his lights were off and the door was unlocked, opening the door he was suddenly met with a flash of light and a loud "SUPRISE" jumping back while yelling swears in neighponese, "Fakku! tawagoto! ne!" everypony in the room looked at him as if he was speaking out of his flank but the assault in his native tongue continued "Anata wa watashinoie de Nani o shite iru nodesu ka!?!" as he continued one pony noticed for the first time his decorations and the armor set in the back of his living room, sadly another pony noticed this "wow cool sword" Rainbow Dash said picking up the Katana, not even noticing when Hotaru roared at her, stomping over to her and taking the family heirloom from her "Watashi no ken wa anata gata ni wa furenaide kudasai. Kono ha wa, anata gata no yōna monode wa nai to omowa remasendeshita. Watashi no kazoku wa anata o koroshite kudasai!" Rainbow suddenly got defensive "hey! what's your problem its just some stupid bla-" she was cut off and barely dodged Hotaru as the sword sliced where her neck used to be.

Wall of text filled with nonsense and weeb words. Fantastic.

Aside from introducing Rainbow Dash without even describing her and the excessive amount of Google Translated Japanese which I cannot decipher because this has given me a aneurysm already, nothing much happens.

Aside from more assault. More completely unjustified assault.

Everypony in the room gasped as he stood there with the sword in his wings

Honestly, thought he was an earth pony. Good work describing him earlier!

prepared for another slash, finally making a mark when he slashed Rainbow across the muzzle, the blade just barely touching her, but doing enough damage to make her yelp in pain.

Fastest flier in Equestria can't dodge a blade. Seems legit and not like a way to make Hotaru an edgy motherfucker.

Hotaru stared at her then the blood-covered blade, and then the ponies in his home, hiding their children clearly afraid of him. His nostrils were flaring, as tears stung his eyes looking around the room he quickly placed the sword back on its mantle before jumping to the armor begging for forgiveness and to the ponies looked crazy but to one a look of horror spread across her face.

Personally, I'd go full Citizen's Arrest on his ass as soon as he begged for forgiveness from the armor. This is twice in this chapter alone he has assaulted mares for merely pissing him off or surprising him.

I get it, he's a trained killer or whatever. But this guy isn't a samurai. He's a psychopath. And of course, he's our main character and not a one dimensional villain. Bit of a shame.

ooking back Hotaru saw that all the ponies were still scared so he got up wiped the blade off with the cloth sitting next to him before addressing the crowd, "I am... sorry for my actions but this 'blade' is important to me and my heritage"

"That's why I had to assault someone who doing nothing but checking it out and complimenting it."

Maybe if you stopped yelling in weeaboo ponies would fucking understand you.

e said looking down the silence was finally broken after five minutes when Pinkie told everyone it was party time.

Five minutes of nothingness. Sounds like this story in a nutshell. canned laughter

Hotaru stayed towards the armor, hanging up some of his paintings ponies began to notice how they made a story, the first showing other ponies wearing the armor like Hotaru standing at a guarding pose in front of a pony that radiated power like her beauty.

So instead of showing the audience the backstory of Equestrian samurai, you're telling us how it looked. At least it's still an interesting conce-

The next few showed the ponies moving on and their lives, but then the sixth one showed Celestia and Luna, but they were shown as evil beings radiating hate and death, the next showed a Villiage on fire Celestial and Lunar Guards running around killing the villagers and ponies in armor, the last one showed a pony in Hotaru's armor begging for forgiveness only to be met with the Dagger of the two sisters a weapon used only for political reasons.
A few ponies stood looking at the paintings whispering to each other things about what could have happened, this continued until one pony went up to Hotaru and asked what the last paintings showed, to which he replied.
"the slaughter of my people at the hooves of Celestia and Luna, the false rulers of Neighpon"

You're making Celestia and Luna into villains. Not some great ancient evil like Orochi or Sombra or Discord, but the two rulers of Equestria who would never do that unless provoked.

Although judging by Hotaru, I am legitimately siding with them so far. If all samurai preach honor and kindness while assaulting women for startling them or touching their shit, then they did a fantastic job.

This is how you know a story is bad, people. When you're actively sympathising with the "bad guys" without intent.

translations from Japanese to English
"Buck, shit, bitch"
"What are you doing in my house??!"
"DON'T TOUCH MY SWORD YOU WHORSE THIS BLADE WAS NOT MEANT FOR SOMEONE AS UNHONORABLE AS YOU, YOU DISHONOR MY FAMILY I SHOULD KILL YOU!"

Oh the translations make the character of Hotaru even more clear as a absolute psychopath. Murderous intent.

This fic is hilarious in all the wrong ways. It's badly paced, poorly written, the main character is a absolute fucking psycho would assaults people with intent to kill over surprises and touching their stuff.

And you're expected to sympathize because Celestia and Luna murdered the rest of his kind.

It'd be a lot easier if the main character wasn't such an edgy teenager. Because when you have a character who preaches "honor and kindness" while not following either of those virtues, you don't have a likable main character.

You have a psychotic villain. Not even an Anti-Hero, because nothing he does in this one chapter is close to heroic. He's just bad. Badly written with bad morals.

He just doesn't fit in the My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic universe. And sure, whatever, it's fanfiction, people can do what they like.

But when people are liking this, that's when I have to step in and say no.

This is not how you write a deep and flawed main character.

This is not how you establish a tragic backstory establishing well liked characters as villainous.

And most of all:

This is not how you write a samurai character. This is by far, the biggest failing of this fic. It takes the legacy of actual samurai, and takes it through a fucking meat grinder.

Get a proofreader, plan out what you want to do, expand on details. This is a written medium and description is key.

Along with that, Hotaru needs toning way the fuck down. As of right now, I'm supporting the goddammed villains more and I seriously doubt that you did that intentionally. Sure, you're roping in the less critical, but that's like saying a kids show is allowed to be pandering garbage.

MLP:FiM wouldn't be where it is without genuine time and effort put in. Perhaps you should do the same.

TL:DR